Page 50 of Tears of Gold
“Yeah.”
I think Abi’s summarisation is pretty on the spot.
“That’s amazing, Faith. How do you feel? Are you tired yet all the time? I slept for weeks. I couldn’t stay awake longer than a few hours at a time?”
Why is she talking like this is normal? Is she fucking crazy?
“What? Why aren’t you telling me it’s a horrible idea? That it’s stupid; that I could never be a mother.” My stomach lurches.
“Why would I say that? You’ll be an exceptional mother. And your fiancé is one serious hottie. Your baby is going to be the cutest thing ever, and more importantly he loves you more than anything. He’s going to be wonderful.”
I think her brains must have fallen out. Or maybe she has to be awake a certain number of hours before her brain kicks in and begins to work. “Why are you acting like this is normal?”
“Because it is. Do you need me to give you a run down? Now a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina; the women create eggs and the—”
“Okay, stop. I know how it happened. But come on, Abs. I’m the worst person for this to happen to. I mean Tabitha and Lewis were better suited to an unexpected pregnancy than me.”
“Why? You love Elijah and he loves you. You live in a fuck-off giant house and you will never have to worry about money or paying bills or anything that us normal people have to be concerned with when finding out about babies.” She stops and her voice softens. “You’re scared. There isn’t a woman who has looked at a pregnancy test, whether it was anticipated or not, and not been scared to within an inch of her life. That’s perfectly normal.”
“Abi.” The choking in my throat gets tighter. “I can’t be a mother. I don’t know anything about it.”
“So, make it up. It’s what I do on a daily basis.” There’s a commotion from down her end of the call. “I’ve got to go. It’s the school run and the kids will be late. Listen, call me later. I am always here for you. But, Faith?”
She waits for my acknowledgment. “Yeah?”
“Only be scared for the right reasons, not the wrong ones.”
She doesn’t understand. Even Abi doesn’t understand how deep down in my heart there are bitter memories and painful truths that I can’t acknowledge, can’t be part of, that I keep so tightly locked for my own survival that even I can’t consider them as real.
“What are the right reasons?” I force a smile into my voice.
“Your ink will be stretched to fuck and in eight months’ time you and Eli will have to fuck like dogs because it’s the only way to do it.”
“Abs! You’re outrageous.” I shake my head, but she has made me laugh. She really is the only person to call.
“Just keeping it real, sister. Right, I’ve gotta dash. Now get to class or whatever it is you do, and I will talk to you later.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I hang up and stare at my phone for a moment. Is it really as easy as Abs thinks? Is that it? It’s just done and I’m going to have a baby?
One thing is for sure, I think condom packets should come with a warning in bold on the front, a bit like the warnings on cigarette packets, but this one would say, Failure to use could risk having a baby.
In the kitchen I find a sweet cup of tea on the table and a plate of oaty ginger biscuits that look homemade.
“Thanks.” I sit down and slide the mug towards me. I actually really fancy sweet tea and I’m relieved not to smell toast. Miss Beesley is polishing glasses which I’m pretty sure are clean. “Did you see Eli?”
She shakes her head and I take a bite of my biscuit. She knows. She worked it out from our conversation yesterday and the way I reacted. I flush slightly.
“I’m sorry I was rude yesterday.”
“Not to worry.” She nods firmly and I bite into one of her biscuits. While she’s busy polishing and tidying I watch her as she works. The biscuit is delicious, and I quickly eat four, okay, five. I don’t say anything about the big elephant in the room and neither does she and I begin to realise just what a loyal member of staff Thirty-Six Chesham has.
“Class today, Faith?”
“Oh yes, ancient ceramics and then some practical I haven’t even thought of.”
