Page 85 of Tears of Glass

“Don’t.”

“And you were crazy, just wild. Drunk, high, screwing anyone you could find. And I kept trying to call you back, kept trying to make you ground yourself with me, to stop you spinning away and never coming back. I used to make you come for coffee in the morning, made you shower so you didn’t smell of other men.”

“Dan, please.”

I can’t think about those days. The days when my vision got darker and my ink spread until it consumed me.

“I loved you. Sunday’s were the highlight of my week, and Dad said I should tell you. He used to laugh in my face, with that big belly laugh and tell me I had it so bad and I should tell you because then you’d know.”

Tears slip down my face.

“Remember the day you called, and you didn’t know where you were, what you’d done, and I searched the town for you, finding you in that seedy bed-and-breakfast with the dirty curtains?”

My tears run free. My cigarette sits like ash on the tip of my tongue.

“I told you. You held me, wrapped me to your chest and I let it all spill.”

“And I wanted to rip apart the world, but I couldn’t because you were filling my arms, so all I could do was hold you instead.”

There is nothing for me to say. I cry silently, and I hear a sob from the other end.

“I miss him so much, Faith.”

We’d gone to Al. He’d seen us, broken and shattered and ushered us in. Then he’d sat and listened to everything as I spilled all my darkness on his living room floor and Dan had held my hand.

“Me, too. I don’t think I can make a life decision without him. I hope he knew just how essential he was to us all.”

“I should have listened to him.”

“His advice wasn’t always sound.” I try to laugh, but the tears won’t stop. They splash so fast I could drown.

“I should have told you I loved you every day for the last ten years.”

“Dan. Please.”

It’s his grief talking. It’s eating him, changing his emotions. He doesn’t love me, not really.

“Why are you at the front?”

I can all out hear his smile down the line. “Heavy night.”

“Listen, Elijah and I are going to cook a roast for Tabs and Lewis. Come up, jump on the train.”

There is silence, a sigh, and then the call drops.

Fuck.

I place my phone on the side, my hands shaking and then I cry until I’m floating on the surface of salt water and Elijah comes and sits on the arm of the wooden chair and wraps his arms tight around me, his silence comforting on a morning when too much has been said.

Chapter Twenty-Three

“He was always there.” We are walking to the flat, the makings of a roast dinner in plastic bags in our hands and I’m trying my hardest to talk. “After Aiden, I- I went to a bad place. I was dangerous, living without a care. But Dan always held me together. Made me accountable to him.”

Eli nods, his eyes flashing over my face.

“He fought all my battles. I can’t tell you the amount of guys he’s punched on my behalf. I stopped counting.”

“Sounds like your knight in shining armour.”