Page 14 of Tears of Glass

It was all for nothing.

***

“THANKS FOR COMING.” I open the door and let in Abi.

“Of course. You said you needed me. I wanted to check on you anyway. I was worried about you yesterday at the funeral.” She steps in and gives me a hug. “Were you and Dan okay last night? I had visions of you both drinking until you puked.”

I cringe. As a rule, I don’t keep secrets from Abi. But I don’t think I can tell her we drank until we fucked. She’d make it into a big thing and I don’t want it to be a big thing, or even a small thing. I’m tired of things. “We were fine,” I say instead and lead her in. “Listen, remember I told you about Elijah working on that case for the woman who killed herself after being harassed at work, and her son Lewis came to Bowsley and joined in with the project?”

She nods, her face scrunching into a frown as she no doubt tries to work out why I’m not dropping his name into the conversation. She knows all about it. About how shocked I was to know Elijah was working on a case so similar to my own past. “Yeah, okay. Are we talking about Elijah now? Coz, yesterday, you said you’d de-friend me for life if I ever uttered his name in your presence again.” She raises an eyebrow. She’s not wrong. I did say that.

“It’s kind of hard not to. Uh, Lewis, he’s here, with his sister. She’s pregnant.”

Abi looks at me, confusion creasing her face. She holds up the palm of her had. “Back, up. Lewis is here, and his sister is pregnant?”

I can’t help but roll my eyes. “No. Elijah’s sister is here. She’s pregnant.” I glare at her and push my hair back from my face. I’m sweating and I’m sure this shouldn’t have taken so long to explain.

“So, we are saying his name now because I thought we had a rule in place? If the rule is broken, I want in on finding out what happened.”

I shake my head. She’s so dramatic. “No. The rule is still in place. How was I supposed to know his sister would turn up? Makes it kind of hard not to say his name.”

“Or, maybe you want to say his name. Maybe you still love him because he melted that closed off heart of yours and you are ready to admit you’re heartbroken.”

With a deep scowl, I fold my arms across my chest. “Are you going to come in and help, or are you going to be fucking annoying?”

“Both.” She grins, and I can’t help but smile back. “Can we say his name now, though?”

“No. He’s off limits.”

“Yeah right. So anyway, what do you want me to do?”

Is she taking the piss? “Abi, I don’t know anything about having a baby, or much about anything.”

“Oh, yeah. Right, come on then. Having babies is my speciality. You make beautiful art that people pay lots of money for. I make babies.”

I follow her, shaking my head. I don’t tell her that I don’t know if I’m ever going to create art again. Deep inside me the fire is gone, and I don’t know if it’s possible to get it back.

Things have calmed down and I’m putting the pizza boxes outside into the recycle bin. Tabitha seems happier now she’s spoken to Abi, although she’s still crying sporadically. Dan took Lewis somewhere to ‘man talk’ and they aren’t back yet.

I don’t know what man talk is. It seems sexist.

I can’t believe two eighteen-year-olds got pregnant under my nose. What was I doing? Why wasn’t I paying them more attention at Bowsley? I’m almost entirely sure I told them to be careful. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so vague and given them a box of condoms instead. That would have been better—next time I’m surrounded by hormonal teenagers I’ll remember that.

What next time?

I settle on the sofa on the patio and light a cigarette, tucking my legs up under me. The garden’s large, mainly laid to lawn, with a nice deck area with Al’s BBQ and seating. My eyes close for a moment as I lean back and exhale smoke through my lips. I can’t believe how the last two days have gone. I’m starting to seriously question my sanity.

Before Elijah, I used sex as a way to cope with what happened to me during my teenage years. It was my way of protecting myself, choosing who I’d sleep with and then walking away after just once. No one could touch me.

Then Elijah came and ruined everything. Took my heart, made me trust him with my body and my mind. Then he broke it all.

What I did with Dan last night was wrong. It’s what my pre-summer self would have done. But I no longer know if I want to be the me of pre-summer.

I no longer know who I am or what I want.

My phone beeps and I glance down at the screen. My heart races and then I wish I could carve it out and throw it out with the trash.

Eli Jones: Thank you for helping Tabs.