I hadn’t even noticed the cool metal and stone in my hand. The necklace that sat on my chest, the one I could never take off, played between my fingers. A nervous habit I’d developed over the years.
My hands tucked behind my back too quickly. “Nope, just drank a bit too much. And my partner really took me for a ride… so…”
Her nose scrunched at my crudeness, as it always did. “Was that necessary?”
I shrugged. “You asked.”
She sighed, giving up a bit quicker than normal. “I wanted to remind you about tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I tried to pluck the plans from my memory.
Her brow ticked, just once, the only sign she was truly annoyed. “Family dinner. Sorcha and Zarios will be here.”
Right. We used to do it weekly, and still did without Sorcha, but a very special one was planned every other month with them in attendance.
“It’s on my calendar.”
It was obvious she didn’t believe me, but why would she? I didn’t really scream responsible, not the way she did. But these dinners weren’t something I easily forgot. I was happy for Sorcha, going off and living her dream, but it did change a lot for me. She used to be the one everyone felt they had to keep an eye on, and without her, I’d become the new reckless Yulean.
I’d always been the one sneaking out, the partier, but at least I never tried to sneak out to a battle I could lose my head in.
That was my sister for you, though.
We had a stare off I was in no state to participate in. “Can I go?” I asked.
She nodded, dismissing me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Sybil sidestepped me, her shadow close behind. His blue wings reflected the dim light pouring through the windows. Holland covered her frame completely, protecting her wherever they went.
A slight pang hit my chest. I didn’t have anyone like that. But then again, what did I need to be protected from? She was next in line for the throne, and I wasn’t the heir, or the spare.
As if to respond, the tightness that had been staved off for a few moments came clawing back.
There was that, but no one could stop my own mind from attacking me.
My feet shuffled towards my rooms. As my door clicked shut I tried to focus on my breathing. It’s something the castle healer had explained to me. Four counts in, hold, four counts out, hold. And it did tend to help make me feel reset most of the time, but tonight my thoughts ran rampant, uninterested in concentrating on my breathing.
Maybe it was the corset. Though this dress was lovely, the way it clung to my body was starting to make me irate. That was the other issue with a dress so intricate and beautiful—a pain to remove. Calling a maid to help would have been smart, but I could feel my hair touching the base of my neck, the pull of my skin that made it feel like it was its own entity, trying to crush me from the outside in. I needed to stay calm. Freaking out only made it all worse.
Breathe in… two… three… four…
Moons, I didn’t need to relax. I needed this off.
My hands scraped behind me for the tie at my back. It sat perfectly in the middle where I couldn’t grip either of the ends. It felt like the corset was pulling tighter and tighter, slowly constricting until it inevitably crushed my ribs, breaking through and puncturing my lungs. Or maybe they would somehow hold strong, and I would just be squeezed until my lungs were nothing but empty balloons. I would be found on the ground in a giant pile of tulle, and become the talk of the kingdoms.
Eventually my finger caught one of the loose bow strings and I gave it a hard pull. I heard something tear, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Maybe if I didn’t have an endless supply of fancy dresses, I would feel differently, but nothing mattered more to me than getting this thing off. The laces loosened enough for me to feel like I was taking a long, big breath. I pushed it off my body, forcing it down, assuredly ripping the lace at the sleeve as I did. It was in no way made to be taken off this way, but I’d managed it, and threw the offending garment in the corner.
My body slid down the front edge of my bed, kneeling with my head against the edge of the mattress. Now I tried to concentrate on my breathing, with slightly better success.
I should shower, considering the amount I just sweat, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My arms pulled me up to my bed and crawled me forward until I was tucked under the blankets, as if I could hide there from my own attacking mind.
But it was all still too much. Every strand of my hair that was touching me felt scratchy, every place I sweated made the blanket stick to me in the most uncomfortable way. I was uncomfortable down to my bones, which felt like they were all vibrating in a way they shouldn’t have been.
Maybe I should have taken some of the medicine I was given for sleep, but it left me so groggy the next day. So instead I lay there, until my panic tired me out enough to drift off to sleep.
Chapter 2
Sage
