Page 272 of The Lies We Play
He doesn't ask whether I hate him for knowing me better than I know myself.
After what might be three minutes or forever, he leans forward slightly.
His right hand lifts from his knee.
He holds his palm up between us, low, at the level of the cushions.
I look at his hand.
I look at his face.
His expression does something I don't have language for. There is a small line between his eyebrows. His mouth is set, not unhappy, not hopeful, and not resigned. He looks like a man who has decided that whatever I do next will be the answer, and he will accept it even if it kills something in him.
That is when I realize I am afraid of hurting him.
Not because I don't care.
Because I might.
My hand moves before I can talk myself out of it.
I place my wrist in his palm.
The trinity knot faces up between us.
Creed inhales, and it breaks somewhere halfway through.
His fingers close around me with such care that the care itself feels unbearable. His thumb comes to rest beside the tattoo. Not on it. Beside it. As if touching the mark without permission would be taking too much.
For a second, his eyes close.
This time, fully.
His face changes when he doesn't have to guard it.
There he is, I think, and the thought terrifies me because I don't know what it means.
His thumb moves once along the inside of my wrist.
My body recognizes him with an intensity my mind can't keep up with. The apartment feels smaller than it is, as if the city has leaned its whole face against the windows to watch.
Suddenly, without planning to, I say, “Have you spoken to her?”
Creed’s thumb stills.
The air changes.
I force the rest out. “Livia.”
His eyes open.
“Yes,” he says. “She’s in Florence.”
Florence.
The word is a door I'm not ready to open.
“When can I—” I stop because the rest arrives too fast. When can I see her? When can I ask what I did? When can I tell her I am sorry for crimes I can't remember committing? What if I hurt her? What if I already did? What if the sight of me costs her more than I deserve to be forgiven for?
