Page 77 of Blue Gold

Shocked, I sat up on my elbows, a frown on my face.

“This isn’t why I came here,” I protested when his eyes darted to my cock, which was still hanging out of my pants.

“Whatever.” He turned around so that I faced his back.

Moving quickly, I rolled off the used condom, tucked myself back in my pants, and got up. I was still a walking mess, with my whole shirt damp with cum and sweat, but it didn’t seem important at the moment.

By the time I tossed the condom into the garbage bin, Elliot had already stepped out onto the porch with a packet of smokes. Quietly, I took off my suit jacket and watched him light the first cigarette before joining him outside. But even as I stepped out next to him, he still refused to look at me. With a deep sigh, I got a bit closer and placed my hand on the railing, right next to his.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked while staring at his perfect profile.

“About you.” He blew out the smoke, then took another drag. “About me.” Another puff. “About us.” With a shrug, he put out the cigarette and turned to face me. “I also think about how I used to love it when we spoke French… like we are now. Only then, I thought we spoke not just the same language but actually understood one another. Now, I’m not so sure. We’re both lost but in entirely different worlds… and it makes me sad because I don’t want to hate you, Daniel.” He took a deep breath while lowering his stare to our hands, which nearly touched. “This evening… I wanted to tell Claudia everything and make you pay, but I couldn’t.” Closing his eyes, he shook his head before he looked up at the sky. “I couldn’t do it because I still care for you… A lot more than you deserve.” He finally moved his eyes to me. “And I don’t know how to make it stop. But I need to… because it’s really painful.”

Seeing the pain so vivid in his eyes cut me open like a dagger to the heart, and I wished to pull him into my arms.

“I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m so terribly sorry about that. But unfortunately, I have no way of changing the past, nor can I take back my words. But just know, I regret them deeply. The same applies to how fast I left the other night. I know how it looked, but… I promise you, I didn’t leave because I regretted what we did.” My brows pulled close as I stared at his marvelous expression, which was the epitome of pure beauty. “It was because of how overwhelmed that experience had left me.”

His eyes shone with disbelief while he continued to stare at me like I’d just told him a well-kept secret.

“Meeting you was a life-changing experience, Elliot. One I’d never take back.”

“But?” he suddenly said, and I frowned at him.

“But… what?”

“There’s always a but.” He turned his head to the side. “The sex was great, but. I want to stay, but.” He reached for his cigarette pack and took one out. “I love you, but.”

Understanding I wasn’t the only person to have hurt him helped me remember he once mentioned an ex-lover from France, the one who made him come to the States to begin with. I reached forward and placed my hand on his before he could light up another cigarette. In response, he quickly turned to look at me.

“I can’t claim to be better than the other men you’ve met in your life… in fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the worst from where you stand… but I’m willing to do anything to prove to you this could be different.”

The confusion on his face grew, almost like he doubted my every word.

“You’re married.”

“I know.” I swallowed hard. “I know I am, but…” My heart paused at my next thought. “But I can get divorced.”

Suddenly, fear clung to my throat. While the thought of getting a divorce had crossed my mind over the past year, I’d refrained from saying it out loud. I was partly worried about what it would cause, but mostly, I was just scared it wouldn’t come true and that, once again, I’d be forced to live someone else’s life. Only now, after I’d had a real taste of how things could be… I couldn’t just go back and pretend nothing had changed when, in truth, everything had. From the first moment I saw Elliot in that cafe, something had shifted inside me. I was struck by a force that slowly grew with each day. And while it scared me to death, a part of me didn’t want to put an end to it. Curious to see how far this thing could grow, I stood by and watched as it did. But now, my love for Elliot was too great to be experienced from the sidelines. Every part of me wished to be consumed by this young, marvelous man. A desire so strong that I was willing to risk it all.

“You don’t actually mean it, do you?” Elliot asked, doubt in his eyes.

“I think I do.”

He stepped closer. “You… What about Maya?”

Gosh. The mere mention of my daughter flipped my stomach, and I averted my eyes from him. Even if I were to divorce Claudia, I’d still be Maya’s dad, and that would never change. But what if my father found out, too, and would somehow manage to change that? Feeling like my body would betray me at any minute, I leaned on the railing for support.

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought it through.” Squeezing my eyes, I attempted to think of a solution, but nothing came to mind. “All I know is that I want you, Elliot. I want to be with you more than anything, but I also don’t want to hurt them. It sounds impossible, I know, but I’m sure there’s a solution. I just need to find it⁠—”

My ongoing monologue was cut short as he placed his hand on top of mine. Shocked, I looked to find him staring at me with the same softness he used to. It made my chest grow tight with an unbelievable amount of warmth.

“You don’t have to figure it all out tonight,” he said, squeezing my hand. “How about we go to sleep, and we talk more in the morning?”

I didn’t know how he could be this kind after everything I had done to him, and yet, I wasn’t about to question it.

“Sounds like a good plan,” I whispered, a soft smile on my lips.

The corner of his mouth curved up when his eyes dipped to my mess of a shirt. “But before that, I think we could both use a shower.”