Page 58 of Blue Gold

A wave of nausea rolled over me while my throat dried up. Everything spiraled around like a storm, and I tried fighting it by finishing my drink. It didn’t help. If anything, I only attracted more attention, and by now, all I could feel was how everyone was looking at me. Not just looking, but judging me for what I was.

A cocksucker.

Was the fact that I loved men written on my face? No. Not men, but a man. One. Who had just turned twenty years old and worked for me and my wife. So obsessed with him and eager for the tiniest bit of his attention, I’d allowed myself to slip. Just a few minutes ago, I agreed to pay him a visit tonight, not caring we were at a party surrounded by my family. The me from before would never have been this reckless. What the hell had happened? When did I become such a fool?

When you allowed him in.

“I think I’m going to get a refill,” I said through a sore throat and a fake smile before I walked away from them. Where to? I wasn’t quite sure. With my heart racing so fast I feared I’d get a heart attack, all I knew was that I had to get away from everything and everyone. So I did. I walked fast toward the shore, where I knew I’d be alone, all while thinking of everything I’d done wrong in my life, especially in the past few months. Was my fate the same as poor Frank? To be the laughingstock of a stupid party after losing his money—his respect—for a quick fuck? Was it really worth it, losing everything he had for something so wrong? What if I⁠—

“Daniel?”

I froze in my spot at the sound of Elliot’s voice, my shoes sinking another inch into the wet sand. And in that moment, I cursed him and myself for putting us in this situation.

“Not now, Elliot,” I said, not turning to face him out of fear I’d break apart.

“Shouldn’t we go wait for the fireworks? You said it will start soon⁠—”

“I don’t care about those damn fireworks,” I cut him off, then quickly pressed my fist to my lips. “I-I’m sorry, I just need to be alone right now.”

I hoped he’d just listen and go, but he didn’t. Like a child unable to read the room, Elliot moved closer to me. But then again, maybe I was the child all along?

“What’s wrong?” He placed his hand on my shoulder, but this time, his touch scared me to death, and I pulled away.

“I told you not now,” I snapped. “Why can’t you just listen for once?” I turned to face him. “I need you to go, so please—” My breath shuddered. “—just go.”

“Go? Go where?” His brows pulled close, forming such a heartbreaking expression on his face. “I thought… I thought you wanted me here.”

Just then, the first firework was shot, the bursting sound filling the silence that followed Elliot’s question. And as the sky began to fill with glittering lights and bright colors, I kept staring at him, scared out of my mind of the words I’d utter next.

“I don’t.”

Elliot’s eyes widened just as another round of fireworks started, and the lights painted his porcelain skin in blue shades. Only it wasn’t his shade of blue, but a different one. A colder one, so cold it left me breathless. In another life, this could have been such a beautiful moment, right out of the books, but not in my life. Not when reality kept nibbling through my mind like a hungry parasite.

Immune to the blasting sounds, Elliot continued to stare at me like I was his last lifeline. “Why?” he asked, his lips trembling. “What changed in the last five minutes?”

Everything.

“It doesn’t matter. You should just accept that whatever this was, whatever happened between us… it can’t continue.”

Pressing his palms to his chest, he took a step closer. “But why?” His expression was full of agonizing pain. “Tell me why? What did I do wrong?”

My chest tightened at the grief on his face, but I couldn’t give in. “I just can’t do this… there’s just too much at stake.”

A deep crease formed between his pinched brows as he reached for me. “There’s always something at stake. Life is all about taking a gamble,” he tried explaining with a nervous smile.

I assumed he was trying to cheer me up, yet his words had the opposite effect and only increased my anger and despair. His juvenile arrogance in making such claims at a young age infuriated me. What could he possibly know about life? For God’s sake, he was just a kid—an eager, reckless kid driven by his desires, completely disregarding the consequences. A twenty-year-old kid I was foolish enough to fall for.

“Maybe it’s because you have nothing to risk that you don’t care, but I’m not like you,” I rasped, shaking my head with my building rage. “I can’t lose everything because of you.”

As if finally understanding what I was saying, Elliot took a step back.

“I’ve got nothing to risk?” His lips quivered. “What about my heart?” he asked, voice so weak it barely carried through the whisk of the wind and the blast of the fireworks.

Surely he’d hurt, but he’d get over it. Over me. He was beautiful, smart, and young. So fucking young and on the brink of starting his life. There was no question here that he’d be able to get over this thing if it were to blow up in our faces, but me? I’d never bounce back. If people were to find out about us, my life would end, and that would be it. I’d become a joke. A disgrace. A pathetic old pervert who’d cheated on his wife with a young man. Another story to tell over champagne and caviar. Everything I’d accomplished, my career, my reputation, it would all be as good as gone, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing it all.

“It’s not the same thing, and you know it. You’ll hurt now, but eventually, you’ll get over it,” I said, my jaw tight.

Turmoil crossed his face before he looked down at the sand, his shoulders slumped. Seeing him this way broke my heart, but I knew this was the only solution. It was better to put an end to this madness now, before anything actually happened.