Page 43 of Dissolving Prejudice

Despite the tears choking my throat, I spoke. “Why do you keep a loaded gun under your pillow?”

He held me tighter. “Just in case.”

Pulling back, I frowned at him. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Instead of answering, Camilo pressed his lips together in a pitiful smile. What the hell did he do with his life that he needed to sleep with a loaded gun under his pillow? It broke my heart even more than it was already broken, and I hated him for ruining his life.

“Shay-Lee.” He placed his hand against my jaw.

Biting my lip, I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Was it worth it?” I hissed.

“What?”

Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Whatever it was that you tossed your life away for. Was it worth it?”

Pain crossed his eyes before he broke our stare and looked between us.

The same rage that hit me whenever he refused to speak up simmered through my veins, and furious, I pushed him to his back. “You’re such an asshole, you know that?” I shouted, climbing on top of him. “You’ve always been one.” I hit him. “Even back then. You always did shit without thinking it through.” Hit. “You were willing to kill Dion and risk it all just to avenge Iván!”

Camilo flinched at the mention of his brother, but he still didn’t push me away and instead stayed still. With tears streaming down my face, I tried to ease my breath. They were tears of frustration and anger. But mostly, I cried for all the things we’d lost. “You tossed everything in the garbage, and you can’t even be honest and tell me what it was for.”

Until now, I’d lied over and over, claiming not to care for what he had to say in his defense, but it was all bullshit. Of course I wanted to know what made him leave. I yearned for the truth almost as much as I yearned for his love, but it changed nothing. My emotions meant nothing because Camilo wasn’t about to speak. His silence was stark on his face, and even now, as I was breaking down, he didn’t say a word, instead accepting everything I was throwing at him.

I hated this.

I hated him for doing this to us.

“Llorón,” he whispered, seizing the pause I took to calm down. “I know I’ve hurt you.” He pushed a strand of hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. “I know I did the one thing I promised not to and left, but I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

With my bottom lip trembling, I glanced down at him, my tears falling over his face. He seemed to be genuine, but I believed him then, too.

“But what if someone breaks in here and kills you?” My jaw clenched. “What if you go to jail again? What then?” As he didn’t answer, my eyes traveled down his body until I noticed another new tattoo. It was much smaller than the one on his neck and located right on his heart.

“Do you even love me, Camilo?” I asked, pressing my finger to the name inked on his chest.

Covering my hand with his, he pressed it harder. “That’s a stupid question, and you know it.”

I could feel his heart pounding underneath my touch, and even though I believed his words, it wasn’t enough.

“And yet, you’ve never said it to me. Not even once.” Slipping my hand from underneath his touch, I got up from the bed, leaving him there.

Sniffing, I wiped away my tears and tried to freshen up while he moved to stand behind me. Wrapping his hands around my body, he tried hugging me again. I didn’t resist, but I didn’t lean into it either. Camilo could write my name on every part of his body, but it would still not be enough to convince me to trust him again.

“Just so you know, I did love you.” My voice shuddered ever so slightly as I spoke. “I loved you enough to face my worst fears, and yet, you can’t even bear telling me the simple truth.”

“The truth comes at a price, Shay-Lee.”

Still not turning to look at him, I snorted. “I guess we already paid enough, then. Didn’t we?”

With that, I broke his hug and walked out of his apartment. My body hurt as if I were the one to get hit by a car. And even though I wished the cause for my pain was that simple, it wasn’t. Instead, what hurt me to the point I wanted to cry and never stop was the realization that I still loved this man so much that it ruined me. Even now, I was willing to die for him while he couldn’t even be honest. Not just with me but with himself. Just like I’d told Blaire, our love had no end. I didn’t mean it romantically, but in a tragic sense. Together, we’d burn each other down until there would be nothing left to love.

After checking myself in the rearview mirror to ensure I looked decent enough, I got out of my car. I cried the whole ride here, and seeing that Jordan was home, I didn’t want to risk him suspecting something was off.

I wasn’t surprised when he greeted me before the front door even closed behind me. Accepting me with wide arms and a warm smile, Jordan hugged me as if my heart wasn’t beating for another man.

“I bought something for you,” he said, taking my hand and making me follow him to the living room.