Page 38 of Dissolving Prejudice

The sincerity in her green eyes made me uncomfortable because she was right. Ever since Camilo returned to my life, I felt like I was taking a few steps back in each of my meetings with Blaire. Instead of speaking on the important stuff, I wasted time. I was also being a little bit mean, which made it even more clear I was trying to distract us from the point.

“Fine,” I sighed, then sat on the couch that faced her. “What was that crap you said earlier… that I should set up boundaries?” I used air quotes on that last word.

“Why do you dismiss the idea?”

Looking aside, I pursed my lips, trying to think why this comment sounded so absurd. “Because Camilo and I have no boundaries. When we’re together, it’s like there’s no end. You know?” A thought occurred to me, and I swirled my fingers in the air. “It’s like taming a wildfire. You simply can’t. All you can do is stand by and watch it burn out.”

The sounds of her pen tapping her notebook mixed with the clock ticking on the wall filled the room until she spoke. “So you think Diesel is threatening to burn you?”

“You got me all wrong.” I turned my head so now I was looking her straight in the eyes. “Camilo isn’t the fire. I am. He’s simply the fuel I run on.”

“That’s an interesting analysis, Shay-Lee.” She looked down at her notebook, then back to me. “So you’re afraid you’ll lose control?”

My God, was she annoying today.

“No.” I huffed. “Because I won’t. I can’t stand seeing his face.” Not to mention his dick. “He’s rude and arrogant, and he thinks he can jump back into my life by using our sexual chemistry as if he didn’t betray me.” Realizing I was clenching my fists, I relaxed my hands and took a breath to calm down.

“So you admit you’re still attracted to him?”

I glared at her. “Of course I’m still attracted to him. Have you listened to a word I said?”

Not pulling back because of the hostility in my voice, Blaire continued. “Are you troubled by it? By feeling sexual urges?”

The reason she brought it up was all those sessions we had in which I confessed to her what sex made me feel. Guilt. Shame. Disgust. Because of the things my father had done to me, sex carried nothing if not negative emotions. I was a victim of sexual abuse whether I liked it or not, and it was why, after Camilo left, I sort of just wanted to give up on sex altogether. That was until the asshole came back.

“I’m not troubled because my dick gets hard.” I twisted my lips, trying to think it through. “I’m annoyed that it’s with him.”

“And why’s that?”

Putting my hand on the couch armrest, I dug my finger into the leather. “Because he left me. Shouldn’t my body understand it, too?” A sad laugh broke past my lips. “I mean, why can’t I be attracted to Jordan, who’s actually been here with me?”

I dared to look back at Blaire, only to find her smiling at me. “We can’t choose the way our body reacts to people, Shay-Lee. And while we don’t have to act on it, we can definitely talk about it. If anything, I think it’s completely natural you’re still feeling desire toward Diesel.”

Desire? What I felt for Camilo wasn’t desire but madness. His scent alone was enough to send me into turmoil, not to mention his beautiful eyes and smile… I wanted to drown in his proximity so badly it hurt, and I was simply unable to stop thinking about him. But on top of that all-consuming lust, there was too much pain.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I dug my finger deeper into the couch, my nail scratching the surface.

“Because you’re hurt?”

I huffed. “Obviously.”

“So why don’t you say that to him the next time you meet?”

I lifted my gaze to meet her. “Huh?”

She smiled. “The next time you meet Camilo—I mean Diesel.” Knowing I hated when people used his name, she corrected herself. “Tell him what you just told me, but try to keep your cool so you can explain to him how much he has hurt you in a moderate way.”

A moderate way.

I pressed my lips together into a slight frown. “Any chance you and Soren spoke before this?”

She chuckled. “You know I don’t talk with anyone about what’s going on in our meetings.”

“And what if I told you I killed someone?” I challenged her with a raised brow.

She locked eyes with me. “Not even then.”

We held each other’s stare for a while longer before I broke it. “What’s even the point?” I sank deeper into the couch, feeling a bit cold. “I moved on with my life. He’s no longer relevant.”