Page 125 of Dissolving Prejudice

“Blaire.”

“Whatever. I’m only here to make him happy. Okay? I’m not buying all this therapy bullshit. It won’t work for me. So instead of wasting both our time, just give me some pill that will make me fall asleep like a dead man, and we’ll be fine.”

Her brows pulled close, and it seemed like she’d finally heard me when—

“Why wouldn’t therapy work for you?”

My jaw twitched because instead of understanding me, she just asked another stupid question. Irritated, I stood up. “I see this shit is completely pointless—”

“It will stop being pointless the second you stop being a coward.”

Pissed off, I glared at her.

“Are you mad?” I asked.

“Not at all. I’ve just seen far worse cases than you, and I’m not scared of telling the truth as it is.” She nudged her head in the direction of the couch. “Now, stop acting like a stubborn child, and sit down so we can actually start.”

Some strange lady had just scolded me, and instead of putting the bitch in her place, I just did as she said and sat down like a good fucking boy.

“Are therapists allowed to speak to patients like this?”

“To be fair, I really don’t give a shit what therapists are allowed or not allowed to do,” she said while fumbling with a drawer next to her before pulling out a—

“Want one?” She offered me a cigarette.

“I quit smoking.”

She shrugged before putting one smoke in her mouth and lighting it. “You and Shay-Lee are so much alike.” She huffed out the smoke. “When he first came here, he also acted like a brat, but that’s okay. I’m used to all kinds of human behavior.” She leaned forward. “And if I told you the number of clients who swore therapy is crap, then changed their mind, the list would never end.”

She took another drag from her cigarette before using her coffee mug as an ashtray. She then pulled up her sleeves, and I noticed the ink she had. It was a good job that was clearly done to hide the scar she had underneath. My guess? It was a burn scar.

“I don’t think therapy is useless,” I said after tearing my eyes away from her forearm.

“So why don’t you want to talk to me?”

“Because I know what’s triggering me, and it’s not something I can cure.”

Putting her cigarette aside, she focused solely on me. “And why’s that?”

“Because I’ll never leave him.”

A crease formed between her brows as understanding hit her. “Are you saying that Shay-Lee himself is what’s triggering you?”

I’d had those annoying panic attacks for the last four years, but they were distant from each other. Enough for me to pretend I didn’t have a problem. That was until Shay-Lee came back into my life, and seeing his beautiful face made me think back on all the crap I’d done. The longer I was with him, the more relaxed I became, and the easier it was for those demons to return and mess with my head. I saw Christian’s dead face whenever I closed my eyes, and it was fucking me. Bad. Was it guilt? Regret? Maybe just the fear that I was capable of being such a monster? Probably all of those reasons, not that it mattered. The cruel reality was that being with Shay-Lee brought it all back, and I was starting to lose my mind. But after living away from him for so long, I didn’t care what would become of me. I’d choose madness every time over being without him.

“It really doesn’t matter,” I finally answered her question, my eyes focusing on my hands.

“But it does.”

I looked up to meet her stare. She seemed like a real badass, and she might have been able to help me if the circumstances were different. But like I’d said many times before, “what if” was the mindset of a fool.

“I’ve done things that I can’t take back. Bad things. And I guess this is just my punishment.” Brushing my hands over my jeans, I got up. “Thanks for… well, whatever this was,” I said before I began walking toward the door.

“You are not bound to your past, Diesel. No matter how dark it is, it shouldn’t shade your present, let alone your future.”

My hand was already on the door handle, yet I couldn’t bring myself to push it open and instead stayed rooted to the clinic floor.

“Our past will always come back to hurt us, and it’s scary. Terrifying. But whether it’s abuse, trauma, or fear, there isn’t an obstacle your mind can’t get through. All you need is a leap of faith and a bit of trust.”