Page 25 of Stella is Starting Over

‘Darling, you really should let Lou have a look; she’s always had lovely boyfriends.’

Lou looks aghast. ‘Lovely? James who cheated on me? And Alister who used my address to get a credit card and then ghosted me when debt collectors came over?’

Mum rolls her eyes. ‘Yes, yes, but at least they were fun. I’m complimenting you – you’ve got good taste.’

Lou yanks my phone out of my hand, presses ‘redownload’ on the app store and within seconds I’m cursing our brilliantly fast Wi-Fi. My brilliantly fast Wi-Fi. There is no ‘our’ any more.

‘Oh my god,’ Lou says, like she’s just seen something genuinely horrific. ‘Oh, Jesus Christ, Stella.’

‘What?’ I ask, panicking that I’ve accidentally uploaded a nude or something.

Lou reads from the screen: ‘I’m Stella, I’m thirty-two, I’m newly single and this is my first time on the apps. I’m not ready for anything serious so just looking to make some friends or have some fun. Like all women of my demographic, my interests include Taylor Swift, white wine and really cold Diet Coke. I don’t have hobbies because I spend all my time and money going to weddings and hen dos.’

‘What?’ I ask. ‘I thought that was funny.’

A message drops down at the top of the screen, from Dom. Louella looks at it archly. ‘There’s a message from Dom.’

‘Yeah, I can read,’ I say, snatching it from her.

My mother is also shaking her head. ‘Darling, you put an advert on the internet saying that you wanted to have no-strings-attached sex. You can’t let them know that you want that, you have to be mysterious about it.’

‘It literally does not say that,’ I snap.

‘I mean, it kind of does,’ Lou counters.

‘I’m being honest about what I’m looking for, I don’t want to date some guy who’s looking for a wife when I’m obviously not ready for that.’

Mum and Lou exchange looks, which makes me angrier.

‘I get it,’ Lou says, in the kind of voice you’d use if you were trying to calm down a frightened animal, which makes me even crosser. ‘But there’s an etiquette to these things. It’s a negotiation, right? If you want casual sex with a nice guy, you need to look like you’re trying to find someone to date.’

I don’t want to cry, and there’s really no reason to cry, but I can feel tears rising anyway. ‘Look, I didn’t want to do this, I’m clearly not good at it, and I deleted the app, so this is completely irrelevant,’ I say, my voice getting higher. I’m talking too fast.

‘I’m just saying,’ Lou ventures, and the fact that she’s trying to be so gentle makes me more enraged. ‘You’re new to this. You’re naïve. It’s not your fault you’re naïve, it’s just a lack of experience – that’s why I took you to the dating seminar. I know you think this stuff is stupid but it’s not – it gets you up to speed on the whole dating scene really quickly.’

‘Exactly,’ my mother adds. ‘So next time you try to go to bed with someone you don’t start weeping and wailing.’

‘I wasn’t wailing!’ I wail.

‘Okay,’ Lou says. ‘You’ve had enough of a lecture. Let’s just drop it.’

‘Thanks,’ I say, taking a breath. ‘Sorry. Can we talk about something other than me, for a bit? Does anyone else have any news?’

‘I got promoted,’ Lou says. ‘With a pretty decent pay rise.’

‘That’s amazing!’ I say. ‘That’s way more interesting than my bad date.’

‘I’ve started taking a progesterone suppository to improve my sexual function,’ Mum adds.

‘That’s great too!’ I hear myself say.

After Mum leaves, Lou insists on helping me to wash up so that I’m not left to clear up tomorrow morning, then she calls an Uber.

‘Hey,’ she says. ‘I really don’t think you should give up on dating. Just make your profile a bit more vague.’

‘I have given up,’ I say, brushing my toes against the floorboards, following the pattern of the wood.

‘What happened to the mantourage thing?’ Lou asks.