Page 29 of Jingle Spells
“She’s out of her damn mind,” Delilah complained. “Picture Ursula from The Little Mermaid but written by H.P. Lovecraft. Nothing Louise has to offer is going to—”
“I’ll be careful,” Scarlett interrupted. “Look at me, Del, I’m being responsible! Making plans, gathering intelligence. Isn’t that the younger sister you’ve always wanted?” She reached for a cloth napkin, wrapped a waffle in it, and held it out to Jasper. “Here, a bit of Belgium to go. Tours start every half hour. If you hurry, you can catch one by the bookstore.”
Chapter 10
The Twelve Lies of Christmas
The tour bus wheezed through Oak Haven like an asthmatic polar bear. Jasper and Delilah had claimed a seat near the back, partly to maintain a professional distance and partly because the stench of peppermint coming from the driver was giving them both a headache.
Their guide, who introduced herself as Esmerelda with the kind of theatrical flourish usually reserved for Vegas showgirls, kept up a nonstop flow of patter as the bus lurched around the town’s narrow streets. “And here we see Oak Haven’s historic town square . . .” Her voice crackled through the speakers, full of synthetic cheer. “Here, in 1492, the witches of Salem first established their underground railroad for magical refugees!”
Jasper’s eye twitched. “Excuse me,” he muttered, “did she say fourteen92?” He clicked his ballpoint pen and added this error to the running list he was keeping in his little notebook. He didn’t have any particular use in mind for this Lie List (as he’d written at the top). It was just something to do to keep all the nonsense from melting his brain.
“And here’s another fun fact: Oak Haven’s witches were the ones who taught Santa Claus the art of chimney-diving. Before meeting them, poor Mr. Claus had to use the front door like everyone else!”
A smattering of appreciative chuckles came from the handful of tourists. The bus was barely a quarter full, but what the crowd lacked in numbers they made up for in enthusiasm. “Oh my God,” breathed a woman in a MAGIC IS REAL sweatshirt. “It all makes so much sense!”
“What is happening?” Delilah said through clenched teeth. “I thought this was a horror tour. I’m not crazy, right? It was a horror tour just yesterday? But apparently it’s a Christmas tour now. What is she even talking about? And what are you scribbling?”
Jasper showed her the notebook and she grinned. “You missed a lie. Earlier she claimed George Washington consulted Oak Haven witches about whether to cross the Delaware on Christmas Eve.”
“Ah yes.” He nodded. “Noted.”
“Did you know,” Esmerelda continued, “that after the town was founded in 1885, Oak Haven’s witches were the ones who first developed the concept of flying reindeer—”
“Oh, it’s 1885 now,” Jasper said in amazement. “A second ago the town was founded in 1492.”
“—because before that, Santa’s sleigh was pulled by enchanted moose!”
“Moose?” A tourist wearing at least four different kinds of holiday-themed accessories leaned forward eagerly. “Really?”
“No,” Delilah and Jasper said in unison.
“Yes! But they were very unreliable and their attitude was terrible. The switch to reindeer happened after the Great Moose Mutiny of 1783.”
“You know what . . .” Jasper tucked the notebook back into his jacket. “I give up.”
They listened in shared horror as Esmerelda launched into a detailed explanation of how Oak Haven’s witches had taught the Puritan colonists how to properly decorate a Christmas tree.
Enough. Jasper couldn’t take it anymore.
“The Puritans literally outlawed Christmas,” he shouted in frustration. “Christmas was illegal in the Massachusetts colony! Anyone who so much as hummed a carol was hit with a five-shilling fine!”
Every head on the bus swiveled to face him. “Shhhhh!” they said as one.
Jasper leaned forward, head in his hands. “I can’t take this anymore . . .”
But then Delilah put her hand on his shoulder and gave him a little squeeze. And Jasper thought, On the other hand, perhaps I can manage a bit longer.
The bus rattled past Oak Haven’s town hall, where a collection of enchanted snowmen were performing what appeared to be the entire score of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
“Now that—” Delilah pointed out the window “—I can explain. Mama went through an Andrew Lloyd Webber phase a while back, and the snowmen haven’t been the same since.”
“Well, let’s see what Esmerelda has to say . . .”
“And here we see Oak Haven’s famous musical snowmen!” Right on cue. “Created by George Gershwin himself during the winter of 1923!”
“You know, I could hex her hat,” Delilah whispered playfully. “Just a small hex. Maybe make it play ‘La Cucaracha’ every time she tells a lie.”
