Page 84 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

‘Can’t wait,’ Nico deadpans.

Phoebe barrels out of her bedroom, dressed and carrying her backpack. ‘Okay, let’s go. Come on, Taco!’

She grabs his lead and clips it onto Taco’s collar, dragging him along with her. I manage a weak goodbye as the three of them head out, and Magda shoots me a reassuring thumbs up as she passes, already chattering to Charles about the town’s many excellent qualities.

When the door closes behind them, I crumble to the floor, my head in my hands.

‘This is a dream,’ I say firmly. ‘This is a bad dream. We cannot possibly be this awful at this. He’s only been here for half an hour.’

‘Maybe it wasn’t as bad as we thought.’ Nico is slumped over the kitchen counter looking haggard.

‘I don’t know what you’re worrying about,’ Claudia says breezily, pulling off her hat and fluffing her perfect hair. ‘I thought it went great.’

‘Ma, I say this with love,’ Nico pulls himself up, ‘but what the fuck are you doing here?’

Claudia pouts. ‘Where else would I be in my son’s time of need? I came to help, of course.’

‘Right.’ Nico pinches the bridge of his nose. ‘And how exactly do you plan to do that?’

‘Well, for a start I’m going to seduce Charles Saunders for you.’

A groan comes from somewhere deep in Nico’s chest. I pull myself to my feet and go to stand beside him, rubbing soothing circles on his back as he drapes himself over the counter again.

‘Yes,’ Claudia muses, coming to take Phoebe’s recently occupied seat at the breakfast bar across from us. ‘And it might not be that bad. He was very sweet, wasn’t he? And distinguished-looking. I do like a man in glasses.’

Nico’s mouth is set in a straight line. ‘I think it’s probably best if you leave the man alone.’

Claudia waves a perfectly manicured hand in a casual gesture of dismissal. ‘Darling, you keep your attention on your own role and I’ll handle mine.’ She looks between the two of us. ‘I must say this informal set up for your first meeting was quite the choice… I guess it does scream domesticity.’

‘We thought he was arriving tomorrow,’ I jump in. ‘I was going to wear a suit. It had shoulder pads,’ I add desperately.

Unlike Nico, Claudia appears to understand the significance of this because her face crumples in sympathy (or at least as much as someone very clearly pumped full of Botox can crumple).

‘Terrible,’ she murmurs. ‘Still,’ her voice perks up, ‘you really did look like a normal family.’

‘I suppose,’ I agree, still trying to process the last thirty minutes. ‘But it wasn’t the most auspicious start. I don’t think I made a great first impression.’

‘You?’ Nico shakes his head. ‘What about me? Hungover and feeding my daughter ice cream for breakfast. That just screams responsible parent, doesn’t it?’

‘Now listen,’ Claudia says suddenly all business, ‘you two are going to have to get your shit together. You can’t let a little blip like this get in your way. Not when the stakes are so high. I swear to god, if that rat-bastard ex-husband of mine was still alive I’d murder him myself for putting you through this.’

She leans over the counter and presses a hand to Nico’s cheek.

‘My sweet boy,’ she coos. ‘So smart and so very, very good. You didn’t get any of that from your sperm donor.’

‘You were married for three years,’ Nico protests weakly. ‘I don’t think we should refer to Dad as my sperm donor.’

Claudia sniffs. ‘He might as well have been. You know, he tricked me into that marriage, showering me with gifts and affection and taking me to fabulous parties, then the second he had that ring on my finger he thought I was going to turn into some little housewife. Can you imagine?’ She turns to me, wide-eyed. ‘Me?’

‘Um, no,’ I say, because I can’t. Also she’s not wrong. Nico’s father was a horrible man, a bully, a philanderer, a really nasty piece of work. According to Gran, Claudia was wise to get out when she did. I only met him a couple of times in passing, but the man had strong Disney villain vibes.

‘Marriage,’ Claudia pouts. ‘It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.’

‘Says the woman who’s been married five times,’ Nico snorts.

She smiles. ‘What can I say? I’m a romantic. Of course that’s how your father got me in the first place, the cad. So attractive, but so withholding,’ she sighs. ‘Still, I have to admit he was marvellous in bed…’

Nico is groaning again.