Page 126 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

‘I mean, I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea of me being in love with you,’ she says. ‘You need to give me a minute to catch up here.’

‘Fuck that.’ I grab her hand and haul her up into my arms.

The instant her lips touch mine is like holding a match to an incredibly short fuse. I kiss her with everything I have, with all the feelings I want to share with her, and she kisses me back like it’s necessary, like she needs this as much as I do in order to simply keep surviving. It’s not a kiss, it’s a claiming, it’s a riot, it’s our whole lives.

‘Cold,’ I murmur, amused, against her mouth, when we finally pause for air.

I feel her lips curl into a smile against mine. ‘Fine. You’ve made your point,’ she says.

‘I can make it again,’ I trace the curve of her neck with my lips. ‘I can make it better.’

She laughs, but catches my face between her hands, looking straight into my eyes. ‘We need a plan here.’

‘You’re right,’ I sigh, resting my forehead briefly against hers. ‘Okay, if we’re actually going to talk I need you to sit over there.’ I gesture to the far side of the sofa and after a careful adjustment to my jeans I sit in the armchair as far away from her as possible.

She purses her lips in obvious amusement. Crosses one leg over the other.

‘So,’ her tone is businesslike, ‘cards on the table, isn’t that what you said? You’re in love with me. I’m in love with you. What are we going to do about it?’

There’s a long silence. The amusement slowly leaves her face. I watch as she chews on her bottom lip.

‘The idea of being in a relationship doesn’t scare me,’ I say into the quiet. ‘Not with you anyway. My life is a mess, it’s far from perfect, but I don’t want to wait… I want us. In this. Together. All in.’

‘Your life doesn’t look like a mess to me. It looks busy and joyful and chaotic, but in the best way.’

‘And can you cope with that, tidy girl?’

‘I want that,’ she says. ‘I want it very much.’

I smile.

‘But,’ she starts, and my smile slips. ‘I can’t leave London. We might be fighting right now, but it doesn’t change anything… I can’t leave Gran.’ Her expression is earnest as she looks at me. ‘She’s one of the most important people in my life. She’s been there for me through so much, and she’s the only parent I have. I love her. She’s also eighty-three years old. I might not like to think about that, she might not like to think about that, but it’s the reality of the situation. Her health isn’t going to suddenly start getting better. Difficult times are coming. I’m not going to leave her on her own on the other side of the world.’

‘I get it,’ I say softly.

‘I don’t think I could forgive myself if I wasn’t there for her,’ Lee pushes on. ‘Even being away this long… I keep worrying I’m going to get a message saying something has happened. It would kill me…’

‘I know,’ I say again. ‘Lee, I know. I love her, too. I understand what you’re saying, you don’t need to explain it to me.’

She nods, relief in her eyes.

‘But,’ it’s my turn to speak, ‘I can’t leave Roseport. I can’t uproot Phoebe when what she needs is stability and structure. I can’t take her away from Magda. My life is here, and I can’t change that.’

Lee smiles again, but it’s a sad sort of smile. ‘I understand,’ she says, and she really does. She doesn’t need me to explain.

‘But—’ I say, and Lee cuts me off.

‘No more buts. Please.’

‘However,’ I correct myself. ‘I’m not giving up on this. I get that it won’t be easy. I get that we’ll have to do long distance, but I think we can make it work. I will take as much of you as you can give me, and I will give you as much as I possibly can.’

‘What about Phoebe?’ Lee asks tentatively. ‘Don’t you think it will be difficult and confusing for her? Me coming and going?’

‘Honestly?’ I huff out a breath. ‘I don’t know. But I do know that she’s better off with a parent who’s in a loving, stable, healthy relationship than one who’s walking around feeling broken in half. I know her life will be better with you in it. She’s never had a conventional upbringing, and she understands that families look all different ways. For the rest of it I think it’s about good communication, checking in with her.’

Lee nods. ‘As long as we both agree that she comes first. If it ever feels like it’s not right for her, we reassess.’

I think I fall a little bit more in love with her at that moment.