Page 125 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

I actually have some idea about what she’s experiencing. When I first met Phoebe it didn’t take long for me to understand that if I wanted to be in her life that meant holding her vulnerable little soul in my hands. Everything I say, every decision I make has consequences for her. It’s incredibly overwhelming and Lee is actually handling it better than I did. My epiphany was accompanied by a whole bottle of Jack Daniels.

‘But… Nico…’ she looks at me, wild, ‘I love her.’ She presses a hand to her mouth. ‘Oh god, I love her. I love her so much.’

My entire universe comes into alignment in a single moment.

‘How has this happened?’ Lee mutters, clearly not experiencing the same sense of cosmic euphoria. ‘I’m not someone who has girls’ nights and family dinners, and… craft clubs! I’m learning to crochet, Nico! Mrs Penny told me she ordered in a special book about it for me. It’s at the library right now!’

Okay, now she is losing me a bit.

‘This isn’t me!’ she carries on. ‘I’m careful. I’m distant. I don’t have all these people that matter. I never even met my best friend in person, before this week! Oh god, Gran was right… I’m cold.’

‘What?’

‘It’s what we argued about, she said I was cold, and I didn’t agree with her. I thought she didn’t understand me, but she’s right. I keep myself apart, I just ran away from her, I shut down—’

‘Enough,’ I can’t stand watching her tear herself apart anymore. ‘Lee,’ I say, my voice gentling, ‘come and sit down.’

I tug her over to the sofa and she sits, her back poker straight while she continues to look traumatised. I crouch down in front of her and take her hands in mine. Her fingers are freezing.

‘Listen. Listen to me. You are not cold—’ I choke off an anxious laugh as I press her hands between mine. ‘I mean, physically you are right now, your poor fingers are like ice, but Daisy… you’re sunshine.’

She’s looking at me now. ‘You think so? You really… believe that?’

I sigh. ‘Lee, of course I do. I know it. Do you think there’s anything cold about what there is between us?’

‘I—’ She looks thrown by this. ‘No, I suppose not.’

I arch a brow at her. ‘You suppose not?’

‘Well, we’ve been friends for a long time,’ she says hopelessly.

‘That’s true,’ I agree. ‘We’ve been good friends, and never in the last twenty-seven years would I have described you as a cold person. And it’s not just me… Magda, Phoebe, my mum, they all love you. Kat and Mei and Luke, they think you’re amazing. And Tara? She’s obsessed with you. She told me about all the times you were there for her. She told me that if I hurt you, she’d spare my life for Phoebe’s sake but I’d have to say goodbye to any further plans to procreate.’ I shudder, and some of the tension leaves Lee’s face; there’s a trace of amusement in her eyes and I’m glad someone finds the threat of castration funny.

‘But that’s not even what I’m talking about.’ I push my hands through my hair, frustrated that I can’t find the right words ‘The feelings I have for you – they’re not polite feelings, okay? They’re not lukewarm or friendly. They’re wild, Lee. I’ve been called that my whole life: wild. The things I’ve done, the way I lived, always chasing some big adventure, the next adrenaline rush, but nothing has ever made me feel the way I do about you. You make me feel more alive than I ever have. This thing between us, it’s all consuming, it’s burning me up inside. I am not a rational human being anymore. You’ve broken me, in the best possible way. Do you understand? You’re not cold, you’re dazzling.’

She’s looking at me now, her eyes wide. I push to my feet, and run a hand over my face, nerves hopping inside me.

‘I’m not angry with you. Seeing you with Phoebe only confirmed what I already knew, that I was going to have to talk to you about this, that I was going to have to tell you that I’m not okay with the plan we literally just made. That I can’t cope with the idea of only having you for six more days. Cards on the table: I’m in love with you.’

Lee continues to stare at me, her face blank.

‘I think I need to sit down,’ she says eventually.

‘You are sitting down.’

‘I—’ She looks around. ‘Right. I’m sorry, I just… I’m honestly not sure if this is real. You’re in love with me?’

‘Pretty fucking desperately, actually.’

‘I see. This is…’ she trails off, frowning.

‘You don’t seem thrilled about this development,’ I manage.

‘Thrilled? Nico, there’s a Fourth of July firework display going off in my brain right now.’

‘Really?’

She nods, and a smile finally breaks over her face. Pure sunshine. My heart starts beating again.