Page 77 of Under Your Spell

‘Your intentions?’ I repeat, still trying to catch up with what is happening and why Theo is suddenly talking like Mr Darcy.

Theo reaches over the table and wraps his fingers around mine. His hand is big and warm and just the touch of it quickens my pulse. ‘I need you to know that I’m glad you told me about you and…’ – he hesitates here, a look of distaste flickers over his face – ‘your ex,’ he manages. ‘Because it means I understand better why this is complicated for you, why we need to take it slowly, why you need to be able to trust me, and that part of that is being completely clear and honest with you. So, yes, those are my intentions: to take you to my sister’s wedding on a romantic date. I want us to be together. If you want to.’

I look down at our hands. ‘I do want to,’ I say quietly, ‘but…’

‘Ask me, Clemmie,’ Theo urges, squeezing my fingers. ‘Whatever it is, you can ask me anything. I won’t keep secrets from you.’

‘It’s just that…’ – I struggle for the words – ‘in the past, I think you’ve been more… not that there’s anything… I only…’

Theo slumps back in his chair. ‘This is about my vibrant sex life, isn’t it?’ I’m relieved to hear the note of teasing in his voice.

‘Yes,’ I admit.

‘Right,’ Theo scrapes a hand across his chin. ‘Let’s just get it all out on the table, then, shall we?’

‘Okay,’ I say, trying not to look queasy while internally bracing myself for what is about to come.

‘Well,’ Theo muses, ‘my first relationships – as you know – were your standard disasters. I was shy and awkward, and I didn’t realize at the time that that made me just the same as every other teenager faking my way through secondary school. Then, when I was eighteen, I auditioned for The Daze and I got in.’

‘I feel like you’re brushing over a lot of stuff there,’ I say.

‘Not really.’ Theo shakes his head. ‘I was a total music geek. School orchestra, church choir, the whole lot. I spent most of my lunch breaks hiding out in the music classroom, telling myself I was giving off a moody and creative vibe while actually memorizing the lyrics to “Tubthumping”. My teacher heard about the audition and convinced a couple of us to go. The whole process was a blur. Honestly, I was so nervous, I barely remember it.’

He sighs. ‘Things happened very fast for us – not through any real combination of skill and talent. It was a “right place, right time” thing and the guys who put the band together were incredibly savvy. Anyway, it’s true that when we first started out, I did not behave well. Suddenly I was a big deal, and men and women were literally throwing themselves at me and I started buying into the hype. The headlines that got written about me then were mostly true and I couldn’t have cared less. I wasn’t looking for anything serious – why shouldn’t I have a different partner every night? Why not just say yes to all of it? I wasn’t hurting anyone; I didn’t break promises, because I didn’t make them.’

Theo grimaces. ‘I don’t love that I was that person, but I was eighteen years old, and an absolute idiot, thrust into a completely insane situation. I doubt most grown people would like to be judged by the person they were at eighteen, but for me it’s difficult because I feel so wholly unconnected to that guy. Ten years later I was in my twenties but I felt like an old man. I was sick of it, sick of myself. I started having therapy, which helped a lot, then a couple of years later I met a girl – Cyn, and we started dating.’

I try to betray no flicker of emotion at these words.

‘As you know, we were together for almost five years,’ Theo continues, ‘and during that time I was in a totally monogamous relationship, but that was when all my chickens came home to roost. The press had branded me a playboy, a womanizer. A dickhead, basically – and they weren’t wrong then, but now there was no changing it. Every time I was near another woman there were photographs of us and headlines about how I was cheating, how Cyn and I were breaking up and getting back together. It was relentless. In the end we did break up – not because of that.’ Theo looks thoughtful for a moment, taps his fingers against the top of the table. ‘Or at least not totally because of that. Cyn was great – she trusted me – we’d just grown apart, we were both busy with work, always travelling, trying to snatch time together. We knew it wasn’t right, that neither of us were in it for the long haul, that we were better as friends.’

‘And then?’ I ask.

‘After that, it was more of the same – more rumours, more stories linking me to every singer or actress you can think of. I basically stopped dating altogether – how could I really date someone in a situation like that? I wasn’t a monk, but I was pretty close, not that you’d know it from my reputation or the way people write about me.’ He shrugs, but I can tell the nonchalance is forced. ‘I stopped trying to fight it, to explain myself. It’s easier just to let people think what they want. I brought it on myself, after all. Now I have to live with it.’

I remember then, the look on his face the night of Serena’s party, when she’d asked him if he had to sleep with everyone he met. I know he likes Serena, respects her, and I know that comment hurt him. I know, because I saw it. I just didn’t know Theo then, not like I do now.

‘So when you said you hadn’t had a one-night stand in over a decade…’ I trail off, turning the words into a question.

‘That was true.’ Theo’s dimple appears, and the sight of it makes me happy. ‘Not until this beautiful, tequila-swilling redhead whirled in on me hiding at a funeral, told me she’d just called down an ancient curse on her ex-boyfriend and then propositioned me. I was a goner from the start.’

And I know that every word out of his mouth is the truth. I don’t even preface it in my mind with a ‘maybe I’m an idiot for believing him, but…’. I simply believe him.

‘And then,’ – Theo clutches at his hair in mock despair – ‘picture it, if you will… this dream woman, she sneaks out on me! Leaves me a three-line note with the wrong name at the top and disappears. Now, some might call that karma.’

‘Some might,’ I agree, and I can feel a big, dumb grin spreading across my face.

There’s a matching one on Theo’s lips. ‘But, fate steps in – I run into her again and we’re about to be marooned in the middle of nowhere together for six weeks. I’m delighted.’ Theo holds up his finger. ‘Only, guess what? Her entire history means that she’ll never see me as anything but a sleazy musician who charmed her into bed, and anything that I do to try and prove otherwise only strengthens the case against me – I’m a flirt, a charmer, every word I say has an ulterior motive.’

‘Sounds like a real pickle.’

‘Yes, it is!’ Theo exclaims sternly. ‘Because I’m so totally gone over her, more attracted to this woman than I’ve ever been to another human being in my life – like a fucking horny teenager – and if I give any indication of that, she will believe I am a tremendous sex pest. So for the first week I can’t be in the same room with her. It’s humiliating. Whenever she touches me, I think I might die. I’m a disaster. I’m convinced this whole idea was a huge mistake. I’m mortified that she thinks I’m a diva who gives a shit about what brand of mineral water I drink.’

‘You are a diva!’ I’m laughing now, elated.

‘Right, maybe I’ve been made more aware of the things I’ve taken for granted for a long time,’ he concedes, ‘but you made me feel like you expected me to start throwing furniture if I saw a single red M&M.’

I laugh harder at that, and Theo is smirking. ‘Anyway,’ he carries on, ‘the point is, I thought this girl wasn’t interested, and that was fine. I was trying to be respectful of that, to keep a lid on my own feelings, but then she got high on painkillers and told me repeatedly and graphically how attracted to me she was—’