Page 74 of Under Your Spell

‘Fucking Ripp,’ Theo mutters, only endearing himself to me more.

‘Yeah. I was so angry with him, but Sam told me it was wrong to hold this stuff against Ripp, that I shouldn’t let my relationship with him be destroyed by childish hurt feelings.’ I rub my fingers against my forehead.

‘In hindsight, he was pushy about it, saying he’d talk to my dad with me, that he’d be there, that he wouldn’t leave me to face this alone, but at the time I thought he was being supportive. We had lunch together, the three of us, and Sam was on top form, charming the pants off Ripp, laughing, bonding over how much he loved Ripp’s music, how much he admired him – which you know Ripp was just eating up. And I sat there, miserable. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t get past everything with my dad. I so rarely asked him for anything, it seemed cruel to withhold help when it would cost him so little, it felt too much like he’d abandoned me again.’

I blink back sudden tears. Theo mutters more swear words under his breath, and shuffles a little closer to me, though I don’t think he’s even aware he’s doing it.

I take a deep breath. ‘The day Sam and I split up, he told me that Ripp had offered him a job as the drummer in his band. I was totally thrown, and I asked him not to accept. I couldn’t understand why he would even consider it when he knew how complicated my relationship with my dad was, how hard it would be for me.’ I hesitate here, because this part of the story is one I haven’t told anyone except Ingrid – not even Lil and Serena.

‘He… he said that I was being selfish. That this was his big chance. He told me that he wasn’t going to be another person whose dreams were destroyed by me. I didn’t understand what he was talking about, until he spelled it out. He meant my mum, that she’d given up her career for me, to protect me. That she’d given up her dream, and it was all my fault.’

Theo gets abruptly to his feet.

‘Fuck.’ He’s angry now. ‘Fuck that guy. He actually said that to you? But you know that’s bullshit, right?’

I smile weakly. ‘I mean, I know it’s not my fault I was born,’ I say. ‘But Sam was only saying something I’d already thought myself. And I’ve had a lot of therapy so it’s not that I think it’s my fault. It doesn’t mean I don’t still feel guilty.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Well, you know, the press went nuts when Mum and Ripp got divorced, the whole three babies thing. I think if she’d stayed in the business it would have been even worse, the attention on us. I can’t imagine she’d have wanted that. And her and Ripp split up, so she was basically a single mum. I don’t see what choice she had, really. And it’s still hard for me – with the music – when my mum sings…’

Understanding dawns in his eyes. ‘Have you ever spoken to her about it?’

I shake my head. ‘No, maybe I will one day, but I don’t know…’

Theo sits heavily back down on the sofa. ‘What happened after that?’

I grimace. ‘Believe it or not, things got worse. The news of the breakup leaked. We had paparazzi at the door; I felt I’d dragged everyone into my mess. My mental health took another hit. It was all quite… traumatic. The fact that Sam was working with Ripp now made the story bigger. In the end my mum stepped in. I finally came clean with her about what had been going on. I’d been doing my best to hide how badly I was handling things from, well… everyone. She got Uncle Carl to speak to the papers, and then Ava got involved too, started threatening everyone who even breathed near me with all sorts of legal action. That’s how we found out…’ My stomach twists, a memory of how I had felt the day it had all come out, the day Ava had had to sit me down at the kitchen table and break it to me.

‘It had been Sam all along. He’d told the press about me and about who my dad was; he told them where we would be and when, helped stage the worst of the pictures, sold them fake stories about me. He’d done it all to boost his profile, get his name out there.’

‘He… did what?’ Theo sounds stunned.

‘Yup. Everything had been a big lie. He’d known who I was from the start, had his eye firmly on the prize. I tried to talk to Ripp about it, but Sam smoothed it all over, made it seem like I was some hysterical teenager, upset about being dumped. Mum offered to get involved, but – honestly – when Ripp wouldn’t take my word for it, I just couldn’t bear to have anything to do with either him or Sam anymore. They were welcome to each other. So Sam got what he wanted, while I ran up here to hide and wallow, totally devastated.’

Theo sits silently for a long moment, stared at his hands. The muscle in his jaw keeps ticking. ‘That was when you were up here with Granny Mac for the last time?’ he asks finally.

‘Yes, and you know how awful that was.’ I sigh. ‘But even when I was the world’s worst house guest – either snapping at her or haunting the place like a sad ghost – she took care of me. She got Lil and Serena to come up and do the ritual. She knew all about our witchy games, and I think she was pretty desperate at that point. But it did help; it was… cathartic. We cast the spell and then we buried it here in the garden with all the other spells we’d ever cast. It felt final, momentous. Lil and Serena made wishes for me as well as a curse on Sam, just to get me to do something hopeful. It was the first time I started to feel better. It took me a long time to get back – medication and lots of therapy, but it started there.’ My eyes are wet now and this time I let the tears fall. ‘I never even thanked Granny Mac for making it happen.’

Theo pulls me into his arms, and I crawl into his lap, letting him wrap himself around me. ‘I’m so sorry, Clemmie,’ he murmurs into my hair. ‘I’m so sorry that happened.’

‘It was a long time ago,’ I say against his collarbone.

He only tightens his grip on me.

We sit like that for a while, until I feel the tension start to ebb out of my body, until I soften against him, my head nestled in the crook of his neck, my hands tucked around his waist, pressed between his back and the sofa cushions. He strokes my hair and my breathing slows, my eyes flutter closed. I’ve never felt so safe, so comforted.

The next thing I’m aware of is that I’m being hauled around like a sack of potatoes.

‘Gah!’ I flail, smacking Theo in the face.

‘Fuck!’ he exclaims, trying not to lose his grip on me and sinking his fingers hard into my hip.

‘Ow!’ I squeal. ‘Put me down!’

‘Why are you trying to kill us both?’ Theo puffs, setting my windmilling feet down on the stair above the one he’s standing on.

I take a second to reorientate myself, grab hold of the banister before glaring at him. ‘Why are you carrying me up the stairs?’