Page 54 of Under Your Spell

‘Oh, I will.’ Lil waggles her eyebrows to subtly communicate that I’ll get the full lowdown as soon as possible.

‘Jesus,’ I hear Serena mutter wearily in the background.

‘So, Bee, tell me literally every single thing about yourself—’ Lil chirps before she hangs up the phone.

I sit for a moment just staring at nothing, trying to sort through the mess of feelings I’m experiencing.

Big love, the unconditional, whole-hearted, soulmate kind. Lil’s wish echoes in my head. The fact that my thoughts turn almost instantly to Theo is enough to have me screaming silently into the void. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself?

I guess it’s time to make an appointment with Ingrid.

Chapter Twenty-One

Theo decides to go out for a walk the afternoon that I’m scheduled to have my Zoom session with Ingrid, so I set up my laptop at the table in the living room and make myself a glass of iced peppermint tea. The teabags are Theo’s fancy Moroccan ones and I’ve developed a taste for them which I’m sure is going to prove financially disastrous when we go home.

It’s another blissfully sunny day and I’ve got the windows open, trying to encourage a bit of air into the sticky heat of the house. Distantly, I can hear the waves crashing outside and it triggers the urge to run down and splash straight into the water, a sound so tangled up in my memories of this place that it’s all I can do not to rush out the door immediately, but instead to sit calmly, grown-up-ly, at the computer.

Despite being here for three weeks, I haven’t spoken to Ingrid since arriving at Granny Mac’s house. I know I should have done, but I’ve been putting it off. And I don’t want to look too closely at why that is.

When she greets me, as unruffled as ever, sitting behind her immaculate glass desk, I feel a sense of relief at seeing her face.

I tell her how strange it is being in this house without my sisters or Granny Mac.

‘Does it make you sad?’ Ingrid asks.

‘Sometimes.’ I rub my nose. ‘I didn’t realize that after she died, I sort of… actively tried to stop thinking about her. It was too painful. But, now, that makes me sad, because it’s like I’ve forgotten her. Being here after so long…’ I glance around the room, the one that is still part of Granny Mac’s house, and yet also not, also somewhere different now. ‘It’s like all the memories rush up sometimes. So fast I can’t keep up, like they all come at once. It’s noisy. Not bad, but noisy.’

Ingrid tilts her head. ‘Perhaps you could start writing them down,’ she suggests. ‘I know that writing has often helped you to process things in the past. Would that give you a chance to untangle things? To sit with each memory more fully?’

‘Maybe.’ I chew my lip. ‘It might. I just don’t know if I want to… remember everything.’

Ingrid makes a humming noise in the back of her throat. ‘And why do you think that might be?’

I fidget. ‘Because she died. And I wasn’t here. Because I had been here, just before and I wasn’t so nice to her. I feel ashamed of that now. I didn’t know it would be the last time, but it was.’

‘Often we don’t know when the last time will be,’ Ingrid says. ‘You were only eighteen, Clemmie, and going through a very difficult time. Do you think your great-grandmother resented your behaviour?’

‘Not resented it, no,’ I shake my head slowly. ‘But maybe she was disappointed?’

‘I think you may be projecting your own feelings onto the situation. From what you have told me, the two of you had a very strong relationship. If you were hurting then I’m sure she understood. Do you think you can find some compassion for yourself? For the young woman who wasn’t perfect but who was doing her best?’

I feel my eyes fill with tears. ‘God, Ingrid,’ I sniffle, reaching for the tissues that I had wisely placed beside my elbow. This was not my first therapy session after all. ‘Why do you do this to me?’

‘Fucking hell!’ Theo’s voice makes me jump as he crashes through the front door. ‘It’s hot as balls out there. I couldn’t keep walking without risking desiccation. I brought you back a Magnum though, one of those almond ones you like… Oh, shit, sorry!’

He’s in the living room now, and his cheeks are pink from the sun, his thin T-shirt clinging to his chest and stomach. He looks at me over the top of his sunglasses, taking in my tear-stained face, Ingrid on the screen in front of me.

‘I’m interrupting,’ he says slowly. ‘I’m so sorry. Are you… okay?’

I give him a watery smile, wave the tissue in my hand a bit awkwardly. ‘I’m fine, just having a session with my therapist.’ I’m not at all ashamed of having therapy, but I have to admit that Theo walking into the middle of it is a bit jarring. I have no idea what the protocol is. ‘Er, this is Ingrid. Ingrid, this is Theo.’

Theo lifts his hand to wave, but frowns. ‘Oh, I think the screen has frozen.’

I glance down, and he’s right; Ingrid’s face has frozen mid-word, her mouth slightly open. ‘Oh typical,’ I grumble, annoyed. ‘David had them install that super-swanky router thing with eight thousand green lights on just for you. It looks like it could power a small nuclear facility and it can’t handle one little Zoom call.’

‘Let me have a look,’ Theo says. ‘It might be your laptop rather than the Wi-Fi.’

‘Let’s hope so or we’re not going to be able to stream to the TV later.’