Page 50 of Under Your Spell

‘I know he was pretty wild. I’m guessing Ripp Harris wasn’t exactly a model father?’

I give a humourless laugh. ‘You could say that. I actually saw more of him splashed across the papers than I did in real life. I remember once – I must have been nine or ten – I had a role in the school play, some tiny part, but I was thrilled and nervous. Ripp promised he’d come but of course he didn’t turn up. Afterwards I was frantic, crying, insisting to my mum that something bad must have happened, that he’d promised he’d be there. She tried to calm me down but I was hysterical, convinced he’d been in a horrible car accident and no one was looking for him.’ I still remembered the tang of fear from that night. Being on stage, searching for his face, baffled later that no one would listen to me.

‘The next day there were photos of him in the paper with his tongue down the throat of some actress. He was in Milan, I think. Somewhere sunny and glamorous, anyway, somewhere far away from a school play in a draughty assembly hall.’

I blink. I haven’t thought about that in a while.

‘I’m sorry,’ Theo says quietly.

I wave my hand. ‘Don’t be. The point is, it was only one of many, many disappointments. Death by a thousand cuts, that was my relationship with Ripp. I think at first I blamed the music for taking him away from us, which is… ridiculous, but it was how I made sense of it at the time. I suppose I felt like the music industry spat out my mum, and corrupted my dad, and I just didn’t want anything to do with it. It was a sort of reverse teenage rebellion, turning my back on my parents’ world. Giving up rock ’n’ roll and turning to Chaucer instead.’

‘I can see that.’ Theo rubs his jaw. ‘I’m just surprised it lasted so long.’

‘It didn’t exactly,’ I shrug. ‘A year or so. Then I turned seventeen, and fell totally in love with a musician.’

Theo’s relaxed posture remains the same, but there’s nothing sleepy about his eyes now.

‘We were together almost a year. That’s a lot at that age, isn’t it? A week before my eighteenth birthday we broke up.’ I continue. ‘It was… bad.’ That was an understatement. I was pretty sure most seventeen-year-old’s breakups didn’t get covered by the national press, but I wasn’t about to get into the details with Theo.

‘Let’s just say he ended up confirming all my worst opinions about musicians and the business they’re in. It wasn’t a conscious decision after that, to cut music out my life; it just happened. At first everything reminded me of Sam – then I suppose it was habit, and yeah, it’s a petty little dig at Ripp too, a way of showing I’m not interested in anything he has to offer. Music and heartache – they’re wrapped together pretty tight for me.’

‘Is this the ex you ran into at Carl’s funeral?’ Theo asks, then his brows lift. ‘Wait. Seventeen? Is it the same breakup you were talking about yesterday? The one where you came here afterwards?’

‘Yes, to both those things,’ I say, and then, after a pause, ‘That was Sam. Sam Turner.’

‘Sam Turner?’ Theo frowns. ‘As in the drummer Sam Turner?’

‘The one and only,’ I agree.

‘But isn’t he…’ It’s Theo’s turn to trail off.

‘Ripp’s drummer?’ I keep my tone light. ‘Yep. And if you’re trying to do the maths, he got the gig right before we broke up.’ I don’t feel the need to clarify that it was actually the same day, but the anger that is still there, fifteen years and a ton of therapy later, must show.

‘Shit,’ Theo whispers, obviously drawing some conclusions that aren’t precisely wrong. ‘What a dick!’

‘Ripp or Sam?’

Theo slumps back. ‘Both, I guess.’

‘Can’t disagree with that.’

‘So that’s why Serena said that thing about you and rock stars? That you’d never be in a relationship with one?’

‘What?’ I start. I’m surprised by the question, but when I look at him his face gives nothing away; he’s just watching me closely again. ‘Er… yes, that’s why. I’ve already had two of them smash my heart to pieces. You know, fool me once and all that.’

Theo is silent and I have absolutely no idea what is going through his mind. Judging by the look on his face, whatever it is isn’t good.

The quiet makes me feel awkward. I hadn’t realized he even remembered Serena’s comment. I don’t even remember Serena’s comment, not exactly. I think back, something about me chewing off a body part before going out with a rock star. Perhaps Theo’s been feeling bad about that, the fact that I slept with him without knowing what he did for a living.

‘But you don’t have to worry,’ I say finally, and Theo blinks, looks at me like he’d forgotten I was there. ‘What happened between us. You and me. Maybe I should have said something earlier. There are no hard feelings.’

‘No hard feelings?’ Theo repeats.

‘I mean, I didn’t know you were… you, when we slept together, but now that I do, I still don’t feel like you’ve been…’ – I flounder – ‘added to that list.’

‘The list of rock stars who smashed your heart to pieces?’ he says slowly.

‘I think this is coming out wrong.’ I twist my fingers together. ‘I’m just saying we never talked about it and things were awkward at first but I’m glad we’re friends now. I never expected that night to turn into anything more, so it’s not like I can be disappointed you turned out to be a rock star with a… vibrant sex life.’ I wince. Did I really just use the words ‘vibrant sex life’? Oh God, I am so deeply, deeply uncool.