Page 110 of Under Your Spell

He deflates in front of me and instead of treating me to the Ripp Harris sparkle, he looks me steadily in the eye. ‘You’ve got my number.’ Then something lightens in his face. ‘But now I’d better let you go. There’s a young man in your bedroom and we rock stars don’t like to be kept waiting!’ With a wink he turns and saunters off. I sigh. I guess Ripp’s journey towards emotional maturity is going to be a slow one. My eyes turn to the house. Watching Ripp go is easy. I don’t know if I have it in me to see Theo leave again.

By the time I head up the stairs to talk to Theo, I am reeling from the emotional whiplash of the last hour of my life.

When I reach my bedroom door I hesitate for a moment and then knock.

‘Clemmie?’ Theo’s voice comes, and I rest my head against the door, take a moment just to enjoy the sound of him saying my name in that rough, velvet voice. ‘I don’t think you need to knock when it’s your own bedroom.’

I turn the handle and he’s standing by my desk, looking at the bookcase. He’s holding a Baby-Sitters Club book in his hands like it’s some sort of precious relic. It’s not lost on me that this is the place where everything started for us. It feels strange seeing him in this room again.

‘Hi,’ I say, and I worry that he can hear all the longing in my voice.

‘Hi,’ he returns softly, laying the book down. Now I have a chance to really take him in I notice there are circles under his eyes. Some of that sun-kissed gold has gone from his skin. His eyes skate over my face, studying me just as intensely as I’m studying him. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. Can he tell how hard the past five weeks have been? The way the corners of his mouth pull down makes me think so.

‘Theo, whatever this is…’ I start.

There’s a persistent, low buzzing noise in the room, and it takes me a while to realize it’s his phone, which must be in his pocket. The buzzing stops only to start again immediately.

‘Do you need to get that?’ I ask.

Theo looks pained. ‘Yes, I do. I’m supposed to be on my way to this interview. I’m already late. People are getting… annoyed.’

‘Is David on the other end of that phone?’ I whisper, horrified, like this conversation may be bugged, which – knowing David – is worryingly plausible.

There’s a deep voice ringing up from the bottom of the stairs. ‘Mr Eliott? Mr Eliott, we have to go now.’

‘Who’s that?’ I ask.

‘My driver, Steve. David told him to carry me out over his shoulder if necessary to get me to the TV studio on time. I was about to barricade myself in the room. I’d try and fight him but he’s got a much tougher face than Sam.’

‘What are you doing here, Theo?’ I ask.

‘Honestly?’ He looks at me and I nod. ‘We were driving down the M40 and before I even knew what was happening I was directing Steve here. I know I said I’d give you space but—’

‘That’s not what happened,’ I cut him off, and while my voice is steady it is laced with anger. ‘You left.’

He swallows. Nods. ‘I know. In the moment I thought it was the best thing to do.’

I rub my eyes. ‘You didn’t give me any time to sort through my feelings. You didn’t give me a chance. You said you bulldozed me before, but leaving was another way of doing that.’

‘I know,’ Theo says again.

‘Stop agreeing with me!’ I snap. ‘It’s making fighting with you extremely difficult.’

He huffs a short choke of laughter followed by a sigh. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left. I’m sorry I’m not disagreeing with you. I shouldn’t have left like that. I’ve been miserable over it. Lisa yelled at me a lot and she made the very astute point that leaving people in order to protect them is not the healthiest way of dealing with things. I’ve been doing it to my family for years, too. At the time I honestly thought I was looking after you, but… maybe I was protecting myself. All this shit I bring into a relationship… I think maybe I left before you could realize I wasn’t worth the effort. Before you left me.’

I’m somewhere between laughing and crying when I say, ‘It sounds like we’ve both been talking to our therapists.’

The ghost of a smile. ‘I’ve been seeing mine a lot, even by LA standards.’

‘Look,’ I sigh. ‘Whatever this is, you turning up today… I can’t deal with it right now. I feel like my brain and my heart have been shoved in a blender. I’ve just had confrontations with my ex-boyfriends, and my father. I’m not in a place to talk to you about this…’

The phone buzzes again.

‘Especially not with a ticking clock on the conversation,’ I finish pointedly.

‘That’s fair.’ Theo nods, tucks his hands in his pockets. ‘I shouldn’t have ambushed you like this. It was wrong.’

The phone buzzes again. ‘Oh my God, just answer it!’ I exclaim.