Page 109 of Under Your Spell

‘Sam, what you did, all those years ago…’ I take a deep breath, ready to say the things I’ve wanted to say for such a long time. ‘It honestly felt like you broke something in me. You hurt me so badly that it took me a really, really long time to get over it. And not because you were particularly special, or because our relationship was that great, but because your actions were so selfish, so needlessly cruel, that I still cannot even process how you looked at yourself in the mirror afterwards. Why did you do it? Why did you sell me out to the papers like that? Was it all just a big lie?’

He finally has the decency to look embarrassed. ‘Clemmie, no,’ he says awkwardly, lifting his hand to push his wet hair back from his face. ‘It wasn’t like that. You’ve got it all wrong.’

‘You mean you didn’t sell stories about me to the press, or arrange for them to take pictures of me?’ I ask.

His eyes dart to Ripp, who is standing like a statue.

‘This is all a big misunderstanding,’ Sam says nervously. ‘I might have reached out to some contacts when I was trying to get the band off the ground, but it wasn’t about you, Clemmie. I was as horrified as you were when they turned their attention on you, but you know what they say… all publicity is good publicity, right?’ He gives me a smile that I think is supposed to be charming. ‘What we had was real, the feelings I had for you were real. I didn’t know what was going to happen. It just got a bit out of hand.’

As the words come out of his mouth, I realize how little I care about them. It doesn’t matter to me anymore why Sam did what he did or how he wants to justify things to himself. It doesn’t even matter if our relationship was a lie, or if at some point he really did have feelings for me. For a long time I let myself think those things were important – that understanding the whys and hows of it all would help to fix something inside me that was broken. Now, I realize that Sam didn’t break me. He hurt me, and I protected myself the best way I knew how: by folding myself up as small as possible.

Over the past few months, I’ve had to face up to a lot of things. Splitting up with Len, losing my home, losing my job, meeting Theo, going to Northumberland and being forced to confront all the ghosts there, learning the truth about my mum’s decisions, dealing with the press again… every single thing has been like a crack in the protective shell I built around myself, letting the light pour in. It’s been messy and painful but things have changed. I’ve changed.

‘I think if we could just talk about it,’ Sam continues, clearly feeling like he’s back on solid ground now, ‘I could explain. I never wanted to hurt you.’

‘Sam,’ I cut him off. ‘I don’t need to hear it. The past is the past, but a few weeks ago you were talking to the papers about me again. It’s enough. We’re done. You’re not welcome here.’ I take a step towards him, because apparently I’m getting a lot of closure in the space of ten minutes. ‘And if I ever see or hear from you again, then I’ll be the one to go to the press. The world is a different place now, and I think people would be really interested to hear my side of this particular story. I mean it. Go away, and stay away.’

Chapter Forty-Three

Serena and Lil decide to follow Sam and make sure he’s really gone, but after seeing his face when I delivered my final threat, I honestly don’t think I’ll be having anything to do with him ever again. Ripp and I are left standing alone.

There’s an extremely awkward silence.

‘Well?’ I say finally, with a sigh. ‘What do you want, Ripp? In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve got a lot going on right now.’

Ripp clears his throat. ‘I-I’m sorry,’ he says.

I wait, but that seems to be it. ‘Right. For what exactly?’

He lifts a hand to the back of his neck. ‘Er, for all the stuff that went on with Sam?’ He says it like it’s a question. ‘Obviously I’ll sack him.’

I blink. ‘Now you’ll sack him?’

‘I mean, to be honest, Clemmie, I was thinking about doing it anyway. He’s not as good as he used to be.’ Ripp twinkles conspiratorially, as if we’re on the same side. ‘And now that I hear what went on before… there’s nothing else to be done, is there?’

Well, I suppose that at least explains why Sam suddenly wanted to get in touch and ask me out. Dating me had worked great to insinuate himself the first time around. What an unoriginal dickhead.

‘So now that it’s convenient for you, you believe me and you’re going to get rid of him?’ I let out a humourless laugh. ‘Thanks a lot, Ripp. Father of the year yet again.’

Something flashes in his eyes and I don’t know if it’s anger or hurt, but I don’t really care.

After another moment of silence, he speaks again. ‘I think I probably deserved that,’ he says quietly. ‘I know I haven’t been a good dad to you girls, but I do want to try to do better. Your sisters are giving me a chance. Why can’t you?’

‘Because I gave you chances,’ I say calmly. ‘Loads of them. And you let me down over and over again. You broke my heart. You made me feel like there was something unloveable about me that I had to fix. You may be my father, Ripp, but I don’t owe you anything.’ I can almost hear Ingrid cheering me on. Actually, she would never do anything so demonstrative, but maybe she’d at least be nodding her head a tiny bit.

Ripp looks stunned. ‘Look.’ His voice is unsteady. ‘I’m so sorry, Clemmie. I never meant to make you feel that way. That’s not how I feel at all. I love you. I love all three of you.’

He takes a deep breath, rubs his forehead. ‘When Carl died, it was… like a wake-up call for me. I realized some things about myself, and my life, things I didn’t like. I have regrets. Plenty of them. And I want to make amends. You’re right that you don’t owe me anything, but I don’t want to leave things as they are until it’s too late. I don’t want you to hate me.’

I sigh. ‘I don’t hate you, Ripp. Maybe I did once, but I really don’t anymore.’ And it’s true. When I look at Ripp now I see a flawed man who made some shit choices. But that doesn’t mean I need to make concessions for him, or let him off the hook for hurting me. ‘I just don’t think I’m interested in having you in my life.’

I expect him to protest but he doesn’t. He just nods. He looks older suddenly, smaller. ‘Maybe I don’t get to be your dad,’ he says slowly. ‘But I can still be here for you. If you need anything. If you want to talk. Whatever relationship we can build, I want it. It can be on your terms, Clemmie.’

I hesitate, thrown by this. It’s surprisingly sensitive and totally out of character. It gives me a moment’s pause. I thought I had Ripp Harris all figured out. Then again, it seems like a lot of things I thought I knew are turning out to be wrong.

‘No pressure,’ he says, holding up his hands.

Finally, I nod. ‘Okay. I’m not promising anything, but I’ll consider it. Maybe we can… talk.’