Page 107 of Under Your Spell

There are a million things I want to say to him, but when I open my mouth all that comes out is, ‘Is that the first time you’ve punched someone? I think you’re supposed to put your thumb on the outside.’

Theo looks at me with exasperation. ‘Yes, thank you, Street Fighter. Didn’t realize you were such an expert. And when would I have punched someone before?’

‘I don’t know. At school?’

‘What sort of school did you go to?’

‘Should have just kicked him in the balls.’ Serena examines her nails. ‘Saves your knuckles.’ Sam flinches from his position, still groaning in the water, and Ripp goes to pull him out, looking completely confused.

Theo and I stare at each other for a beat. ‘What are you doing here?’ I ask.

His eyes run over me like he’s dying of thirst and I’m a tall glass of water. ‘I’m playing a gig in London tomorrow. I have press today,’ he says, and I feel my body drifting closer to him. ‘I was going to stay away but I couldn’t. I need to talk to you, I—’

‘You’re going to be hearing from my lawyers, mate!’ Sam screeches, suddenly reminding me that we are not alone.

Theo’s face, so close to mine – how is it already so close to mine? – looks as startled as I feel to find the rest of the world has not melted away, and that we are in fact being watched with interest by my sisters, my dad, and my ex-boyfriend, who is dripping pond water everywhere, clutching his nose, blood running freely down the front of his shirt.

Anger flickers in Theo’s eyes, and he turns his tall body so it’s between me and Sam. I get a hit of his clean, salt and citrus scent and my knees weaken pathetically. ‘I’m not your mate,’ he growls. ‘And you deserve to have the living shit kicked out of you for how you’ve treated Clemmie.’

‘Hear, hear,’ says Serena, a bloodthirsty glint in her eye.

‘No one is kicking the shit out of anyone,’ I huff, tugging at Theo’s arm. Anger blooms and I narrow my eyes at him. ‘I don’t need you swooping in here, after disappearing for a month, punching people for me. If anyone gets to hit Sam in the face it should be me.’

‘Too bloody right,’ Sam yelps. ‘Wait… what?’

I turn on him. ‘And I thought I told you, you and I were done, Sam. Didn’t I make myself clear the last time we spoke?’

‘I’m going to sue the lot of you!’ Sam splutters, casting a dark look at Theo. ‘I think your boyfriend broke my nose.’

‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I say, and Theo flinches.

‘Will somebody please tell me what’s going on?’ Ripp looks determined now, a flintiness to his gaze that I’ve never seen before.

‘That piece of shit fed a bunch of lies to the press about your seventeen-year-old daughter, gaslit her and used her to get his name in the papers and a job playing for you,’ Theo says coldly, extending his rage to include Ripp. ‘That’s what happened. And you did fuck all to protect her.’

‘I didn’t know anything about this,’ Ripp blusters.

‘Don’t say that. I told you.’ I cross my arms. ‘You wouldn’t believe me. You laughed it off.’

Something like shame flickers across Ripp’s face. He turns to Sam. ‘Is this true?’

‘Of course not,’ Sam says thickly, still holding his nose. ‘I don’t know why she can’t get over a breakup that happened fifteen years ago. You know me, Ripp. I’m not that guy.’ He turns to me. ‘Look, Clementine, I know I hurt you when I ended things and for that I’m sorry, but you need to let go of this childish vendetta.’

‘What did you just say?’ I laugh, a hard sound of disbelief.

‘I’m going to kill him,’ Theo mutters, starting forward.

‘Get in line, buddy,’ Lil says through clenched teeth, the scary murder face on. Serena has to wrap an arm around her waist and physically hold her back from scratching Sam’s eyes out. ‘You’re dead, you psycho!’ Lil screeches, her fingers held out like talons.

‘Sorry,’ a new voice says, interrupting this very Jerry Springer moment. ‘Is this a bad time?’

Everyone freezes.

‘This cannot be happening.’ I exhale, closing my eyes. When I open them it’s to find Len hovering nearby, a pet carrier in his hand.

‘Why are you here now?’ I groan, my head in my hands. Perhaps this is some sort of cheese-induced nightmare, and if I try hard enough, I can wake myself up.

‘Hello, Leonard.’ Serena’s eyes sparkle dangerously. ‘How’s the crotch? Any… issues down there?’