Page 64 of A Sky Painted Gold

Jack and Alice are showing Aunt Cath a new step, and Uncle Albie is twirling me around, when I notice two more guests standing in the doorway watching the festivities unfold.

It is Robert and Caitlin.

“What are you doing here?” I exclaim, and the dancing stops abruptly as everyone turns to stare.

“I invited them, of course.” Midge’s voice comes from behind the Cardews, and she nudges them into the room.

“Surprise!” Caitlin sings, tripping in and wrapping me in a warm hug. “Is it a good one?” She steps back to look at my face.

“Of course it is!” I say, but I’m not sure it is, really. I can feel Alice’s eyes on us, and the strange atmosphere between us seems to grow even stranger. “I just didn’t think I would see you until tonight,” I say faintly to Caitlin.

“Well, we can’t stay long,” Caitlin smirks, and she wags her finger at me, “because there is still a lot to do. But I couldn’t resist the thought of meeting your family.”

“And I couldn’t resist the thought of your mother’s cooking.” Robert steps forward and kisses me on the cheek, his warm, spicy cologne filling my senses. “Happy birthday.” He smiles, his eyes crinkling.

“Thank you,” I say, feeling suddenly shy. The room seems too small for him. He is taking up too much space, he is standing too close. My confused body feels like it’s bursting into flames. Is it hot in here? My nerves are jangling and I take a step back from him. It must be because I haven’t seen him for a while. He has gone back to being the man in the magazines, rather than the overbearing know-it-all who teases me and tries to catch me cheating at cards.

“You look…” He pauses for a moment, as though searching for the word. His eyes meet mine.

Beautiful, my brain screams. He’s going to tell you that you look beautiful! Do I want to hear him say it? I’m confused, overwhelmed. I feel like when he looks at me like that he is seeing me, really seeing me, not as someone who blends into the background, not as someone else’s shadow.

“Old,” he finishes, and it’s the perfect thing to say because it makes me laugh and the room seems suddenly to fill up with a bit more air. Whatever those rattling, shaky feelings were, they recede a little.

“I must be catching up with you,” I manage, feeling my heart return to a more normal rhythm.

“Maybe,” he replies, tipping his head to one side and looking me over. “It’s all this hard living. I hear London was as debauched as always.”

I wonder how much he has actually heard. I don’t really want to think about that. My eyes slide over to Caitlin, who is introducing herself to everyone. She is pretty, charming, gracious. I search her face for any sign of secret, hidden anguish but I can find nothing.

“Speaking of London,” I say, turning back to Robert, “why didn’t you ever tell me what an artist you are?”

He clears his throat. “That was a long time ago.”

“Well … you’re quite good,” I say a little awkwardly.

“Given your own artistic talent I know that is high praise,” he says, and he gestures towards a smudgy and rather lopsided picture of a blackbird that hangs on the wall. I close my eyes for a second, silently cursing Midge’s pride in our mediocre-at-best artistic efforts. Trust Robert to notice that kind of thing straight away. I briefly consider denying any knowledge of the picture, but there’s no lie to be told – it has my name in one corner, written in a young, round hand.

“Well, exactly,” I say, instead, drawing myself up to my full height. “I speak from a position of great authority.” I tilt my head, studying the picture. “Of course, my own work owes much to the early impressionists.”

“I thought I detected the influence.” He nods solemnly.

While we have been speaking, Caitlin is on a full charm offensive. I notice that Alice hangs back, watching her warily.

I decide it will be best to handle this particular introduction myself.

“Lou has told me so much about you.” Caitlin’s voice is at its most musical; her perfect vowels cutting through the air feel like an attack. She makes everything around her look shabby, and I don’t know what Alice is going to make of her. Although they share many similarities, seeing them side by side now highlights only their contrasts. They are both so important to me, but they know me in different ways … it’s hard to see them together for some reason; it makes me feel unsure of myself.

Alice tucks a long strand of golden hair behind her ear, a gesture that I know means she is nervous. Not that anyone else could tell by looking at her. She stands upright, tall and ravishingly beautiful in her worn dress. “Oh, really?” she says blandly. “All good, I hope?”

“Of course,” I say hurriedly, realizing immediately that I sound too earnest, that I should have made a joke. My words hang limp in the air.

Caitlin is looking back and forth between us now, and a crease appears between her eyes. Alice is staring at a point on the wall somewhere to the right of me.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” Alice says now, and the words come out all in one breath as though they’ve been stitched together. “But I’d better go and give Midge a hand in the kitchen.”

“I’ll come too—” I begin, but Alice lifts a hand.

“Don’t be silly, Lou,” she says, and her voice is smooth, unemotional. “It’s your party, you stay here with your guests.”