Page 62 of A Sky Painted Gold

Tears prickle at the back of my eyes. I don’t know what to say.

“I asked her to leave,” he says suddenly, and the look he flashes me is defiant. “I asked her to leave with me that night, right before I saw you. If we just got away from this place, these people…” He rubs a hand across his jaw. “For all their talk of being modern, they’re still ruled by their conventions and their prejudices. There’s an order to be preserved and people like us don’t fit into it. I don’t belong with someone like Caitlin, not in their eyes.” He slumps back in his seat, the indignation draining out of him. “And I guess it was like you said – why would she leave it all behind for me? You don’t walk away from that life if you can help it.” He places the glass carefully by his feet. “Even if it’s killing you,” he adds quietly.

A shiver rushes through me at this. I think about Lucky’s words. “People like us,” he said. He’s right, I don’t fit into that neat order either. Maybe I have a free pass for the summer, and of course it’s much easier for me than for him – the colour of my skin means I was born with a privilege I have never considered before, but in a way we’re still both outsiders in the Cardews’ world.

“I’m worried about her,” I say now, and my voice is small.

“Well, you’re right to be,” is all that he says.

A heavy silence fills the room. I try to untangle everything he has said, to lay out all that I saw tonight in front of me and to make all the pieces fit. But something is wrong. This isn’t neat and tidy storytelling. Lucky and Caitlin aren’t characters that I’m writing. They’re messy, vital, real.

“She’s burning away,” Lucky says, and his voice is a confession. “She has been since her father died. Soon there won’t be anything left of her. Nothing but ash and bone.”

He sighs and then rubs his face with both his hands. Finally, he gets to his feet. “It was really good to meet you, Louise,” he says, holding out his hand. “Take care of yourself … and that friend of yours.” Those words again, building a wall around his heart, distancing himself from the girl he loves so much.

I slip my hand into his and we shake as though sealing a contract, which I suppose, in a way, we are. For a second his fingers squeeze mine, and the look in his eyes is enough to break my heart.

“Maybe I’ll see you around sometime,” he says, recovering his jaunty smile, returning that naked emotion to some hidden, secret place. With that he turns and leaves the room, whistling under his breath. As the front door opens I hear him singing softly one last time.

“Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise…”

I sit quietly by myself for a few minutes after Lucky leaves, sifting through the conversation, and then I drag myself up to bed, emerging around midday to find an incredibly pale Caitlin sitting on the settee in an elaborately embroidered silk dressing gown.

The smile she gives me is tremulous. “Seems that we had quite the party last night,” she says.

“We sure did,” I reply, perching on one of the other chairs. “How are you feeling?”

She grimaces. “I’ve certainly felt better, but I’ll be all right.”

“And what about…” I hesitate.

“Freddy?” she says with a sigh.

I nod.

She gives me that wonky smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes again. “It’s over,” she says heavily, fiddling with the tie on her dressing gown. “It’s silly, because it was over before.” She laughs here without a drop of humour. “But I still had to go, I had to see him.” She shakes her head. “I thought it might make things easier, I thought seeing him would prove that I was over it all, that I didn’t still…” She trails off with tears in her eyes.

“Love him?” I ask quietly.

She nods, and sits in silence for a moment. “It was foolish. To go there, to see him. Nothing has changed. Nothing can change for us. I wish things could be different, but that’s not the world we live in. It’s easier in Cornwall –” she looks at me now “– to be somewhere else. But when we came back here I just couldn’t resist.”

“He said he asked you to leave with him,” I say cautiously.

Her smile is wan. “Did he?” she murmurs. “Yes, I suppose he did. But how could I?” Her eyes turn to me and they are filled with sadness. “How could I leave the only world I know and stop being Caitlin Cardew? How could I leave Robert on his own? Think of the scandal.” She sighs heavily, and then sits up a little straighter, her gaze suddenly intense. “I understand now that it can’t be. I can’t keep living in the past. I need to move on with my life, meet someone else, get married and settle down, maybe.”

“Get married!” I exclaim, taken back. “What are you talking about? Get married to who?”

Caitlin shrugs. “Oh, I don’t know. Someone suitable. Maybe someone who will take me far away so that I can start again.”

“You can’t do that!” I am stunned. “How could you do that when you feel the way you do about Lucky? How could you just…” I trail off here, horrified.

Caitlin comes to sit beside me then, clutching my hand. “You can’t say anything to anyone,” she says then. “You have to keep it a secret. Robert doesn’t know any of this. He would hate a scandal, and I couldn’t bear it either, not after everything he’s done for me. Please, promise.”

“Of course I promise,” I say, startled by her intensity.

There is a pause then, and Caitlin sits back and closes her eyes. “He left me a note, you know?” she says suddenly. “Freddy. Last night. I found it this morning.”

“What did it say?” I ask.