Page 25 of A Sky Painted Gold

My shoulders slump. Oh, that version of everything.

“Don’t look so downbeat,” she says, “I thought it was a riot.”

“You did?” I ask hesitantly.

“Sure. You didn’t hurt anyone, did you?” She shrugs – an action so languorous it takes fully twice as long as it would take anyone else. “So, what’s the problem?”

I tuck a loose lock of hair behind my ear. “I don’t know,” I say, looking up towards the branches that cocoon us here. Something about Laurie has me opening up to her. There’s something hypnotic about her gaze, the lack of judgement there. “No one seems angry about it, but that feels strange, sort of back to front. I shouldn’t have done it … anyone else would be upset. It was wrong.” It’s the first time I’ve admitted as much and I realize that it has been worrying me a little.

“Honey.” Laurie leans across and pats my arm. “There’s enough trouble in this world that you don’t need to go looking for more. You can trust me on that one.” She reaches into her white stole, where a hidden pocket contains a silver cigarette case.

“I suppose,” I say, rubbing my nose as she places a cigarette between her lips and lights it. “You’re all very kind,” I finish.

Laurie chuckles at that. “Oh, no,” she assures me. “We’re a lot of things, but kind is certainly not one of them. Believe me, no one would have invited you if they didn’t want to. We’re all out for ourselves here, don’t forget that.”

I sit quietly for a moment as Laurie blows smoke rings. I can’t tell if she’s being serious or not.

“Well, I think you’ve been kind to me,” I say. “And I really don’t see what there can possibly be in it for you, but I’m glad that I’m here.”

Laurie smiles then. “I think it will be quite the summer,” is all she says in response.

“The whole summer.” I sigh, seeing it stretch out in front of me, daring to dream that I get to be a part of it.

Laurie’s eyes narrow a little. “How old are you, Lou?” she asks after a moment.

“I’m almost eighteen,” I reply.

“Hmm.” She doesn’t say anything else for a while, just carries on smoking her cigarette with a calmness that is almost awful. “And what do you plan to do after the summer?” she asks.

I freeze.

“I-I don’t know,” I say, drawing shapes in the grass with my toe. “I’m not exactly … that is, I’m a bit…” I trail off.

“You’re at a loose end at the moment?” Laurie murmurs, and I’m beginning to think that her sleepy gaze is deceiving. She seems to be peeling me back to get at something important, something I’m afraid to admit even to myself.

“Why do you say that?” I ask quickly.

“Something about the way you talk about the summer. Like it’s an escape.”

I am silent, thinking this over, forced to acknowledge that Laurie is right.

“I guess at some point I’ll get married,” I say at last.

“Oh?” Laurie arches one elegant eyebrow. “And to whom, may I ask?”

“Oh, no one in particular,” I say, rubbing my arms, feeling a sudden chill in the air. It’s the first time I’ve voiced the thought that has been pushing in on me for weeks, maybe months. “My sister – Alice.” I exhale. “We always do, or did, everything together, and she’s just got married.”

Laurie dips her head, which I think is her version of an encouraging nod.

“I suppose that’s what everyone’s waiting for me to do.” My voice is small. “That’s what girls in Penlyn do.”

Laurie exhales slowly. “Sometimes it’s a good idea to get married.” She pauses. “But a woman should have … passion. If not for her husband, then for something else.”

“Do you have passion for Robert?” I ask, and then I am mortified by my own question. The idea of Laurie and Robert together is something I can’t quite get my head around.

Laurie doesn’t seem to mind. “I like Robert a great deal,” she replies. “And he and I understand one another. We’ll be happy together, I think. But for me passion is for outside of marriage.” She says this serenely, as though it’s something she’s considered carefully. I’m not sure that I know what she means.

“I think Alice has passion in her marriage,” I say. “But she’s lucky. She married someone she truly loves.” I draw my knees up to my chest. “I know that the next thing for me is to get married. I’ve finished school, I’m the oldest one at home now, and it’s my turn. But…”