Page 112 of The Next Chapter

‘And you’ve just found all this out now?’ he asks, talking as if any sudden movements might set me off.

‘No. I knew before I came here. That’s why I came here. But Lola has just told me the whole story. I know you’re super big on honesty, but I’ve been lying since the beginning. I imagine it’s going to cost me a fair amount of sleep over the next few decades. If I live that long. Dying seems to be a hazard of being connected to me.’

Under his glorious, golden tan, I think Noah’s paled somewhat.

I’m on a roll, though.

‘And while I’m at it, Seb isn’t my brother. He’s my best friend. So, it’s not as weird that I talk to him about our sex life. I think it’s important to look for the silver linings in these sorts of occasions, don’t you? Anyway, he’s coming to meet me. I’ve called a taxi and it’ll be here in—’ I check my phone ‘—two hours, so if you don’t mind, I’ll get packing and then be out of your hair.’

Noah laughs like he thinks that I might be joking.

‘What, you’re serious? You’re leaving?’

‘What else am I going to do? Stay and play happy families with Lola?’

‘I don’t know, Lily, you’ve just come and said all of this… stuff. I don’t know what to think.’

I take pity on him at that.

‘I get that. And I’m so sorry I lied to you. I couldn’t risk you telling Lola, see. Lying to you is absolutely going to haunt me, so rest assured I’ll suffer. But we both knew this was going to end.’

Even as I say them, the words hurt. I don’t want this to end, but it has to. Even without all the reasons we aren’t suited, Noah comes with Lola. Lola, who is making me question everything I thought I knew about Mum and Dad. No. Nope. I can’t do that.

‘But I thought we were going to try?’ he asks. ‘I thought you felt the same?’

‘What difference does it make how we feel? In two weeks you’re going to Italy and in an hour and fifty-five minutes I’m going to be anywhere but here.’

I remember my list. All the reasons we wouldn’t work out.

He loves to travel and most days, I have to psych myself up to leave the house.

He’s leaving in six weeks.

I’m leaving in six weeks.

I’ve told him more than once that I love adventure when the reality is that I get excited when my favourite toothpaste is on special offer.

I’m lying to him about Lola.

Suddenly, so much of the list seems stupid now. Daft in a way that it didn’t before. But it’s the last one, the Lola one. I might not be lying to Noah about Lola anymore, but there’s no denying that Lola comes with Noah. I can’t have one and not the other.

And here’s the thing. I want to forgive Lola. I want to be the sort of person who does that. Having her and Noah in my life would make me feel good, I think that it would. But knowing this and doing it are two different things entirely. I just can’t. Or I don’t think that I can. We don’t owe anyone our forgiveness, surely.

‘So, you’ve already made up your mind.’ Noah runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back off his head. He stands up, and then looks around as if he’s not sure what to do next.

‘I can’t be forced into having Lola in my life. It’s okay for me not to want that.’

‘I never said it wasn’t okay!’

‘Oh.’

My phone buzzes in my hand. I look down.

My taxi is on its way. Just a mere hour and fifty minutes to go.

‘Yeah. I’m really sorry, Noah. This was never going to be more than a summer thing for me.’ Even as I say the words, I know I’m lying.

I start moving towards the bedroom.