Page 19 of Love Again

He pushes past me, a move I also didn’t anticipate. Luke is more of a rule follower than I am. He always let me call the shots, but not now. I can feel the difference.

“You can’t barge in here.”

He shuts the door. “Don’t be melodramatic, I’m not barging in. I’m afraid you’re going to be off for the next two days and holed up in your apartment and we won’t get a chance to talk.”

He pauses and then asks a question that must have been hard. “Are you seeing anyone?”

“No, of course not.”

He breathes a sigh and wipes his face with a hand. I decide he needs to answer a question that’s not really a question.

“You went and saw my sisters,” I manage to say. This also allows me to start breathing again. It’s like I need the rush of anger to engage in any meaningful conversation.

“Great view,” he says, gesturing toward the window. The sky is light pink, a blush kissing the hills. The sea lies, winking blue, with diamonds of light in the distance. He turns to face me. “I did meet them, yes. And I made sure to just say we worked together. The fact that Keller and I are—”

“Yes, I know. They think it’s hilarious.”

It was. It is.

“I hated your brother for a long time. I lost my suit against him and the school.”

“It was ballsy of you.”

“I still lost. And what he did to me was shitty—I still stand by that. He’s not off the hook.”

Luke runs a hand through his hair, his blond highlights catching the morning sun. His voice is deep, low, and it rumbles through me. He’s wearing a blue-gray flannel shirt, and his shoulders are strong underneath, and that’s when I realize he looks thinner. That he’s lost weight. I didn’t notice it the first time I saw him—I was in shock. But now, in the semi-dark, his frame seems gutted in places I hadn’t noticed before. His cheeks, around his eyes, his legs.

An unformed worry starts to nag, and I box it away.

“There are parts to Keller you don’t understand.”

“I don’t need to,” I say. “I know he’s the only family you have left. Geo told me. You don’t have to defend him.”

Luke looks away, and then, in the dark, he says the one thing I wish he wouldn’t. “Devon, I miss you. I miss you so much.”

This comes as if he’s breathing the words. Like he needs them to live.

My heart beats strong in my chest and the back of my throat.

“Please don’t,” I try to say, but he’s already closed the gap between us and grips me hard in his arms. His lips crush mine, driving the breath from my body.

I feel faint, and he holds me even tighter as I start to sink while one hand supports me and the other touches my face, my neck. He gasps when he pulls away and presses me tightly to him again, both arms around me, cradling my head with one hand.

His heart hammers deep in his chest—his sternum lies under my cheek.

A sob comes from some deep, dark place and wells from my throat, and he kisses me again, this time gently.

A part of me wants to surrender to him completely. But the part where the sob came from makes me push him away.

“We can’t do this,” I say, trying so hard to stop my voice from trembling.

He sits on the edge of my twin bed. His voice is ragged, and the pain there is too much for me to handle. “We can fix this, Devon.”

My voice breaks. “I can’t.”

΅

I walked home from the station in the early morning sun, and when I hit Main Street, I spent some time out on the wharf, watching the boats and feeding the seagulls bits of a sandwich from the night before. I stop off at The Inn and grab a warm breakfast roll and a Chloe-hug, pad to Weaver’s for a cup of coffee, and then ascend the stairs.