Page 3 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘What was that? Fuck me? Fuck you!’ I shout. ‘I’m leaving. Now I’ve got to know you for all of ten minutes, I can safely say I wouldn’t shag you if my life depended on it.’ The group of men at the next table turn to look at me, drinks held in mid-air. Furious, I stand up, knocking over the rest of the gin and tonic as I squeeze between Isaac and the table to get out, wanting to be as far away from him as quickly as possible. I can hear the men at the next table sniggering into their pints. Good.

Outside, I walk quickly to put space between me and Isaac. Anger propels me through the throngs gathering at the start of their nights out. All I want is to be away from here, but that anger soon runs out, and I slow down. I start to notice the couples sitting by windows in the restaurants I pass. I sidestep people holding hands, couples sneaking in a quick kiss before walking into pubs to meet up with friends, and I see it all, everything I want.

I’m so busy watching other people, that I’m not looking where I’m going and nearly fall over in my heels on the uneven pavement. I glance down at myself, at the stupid, uncomfortable dress I’ve put on, at the stupid heels I’m stumbling in. A few hours ago, it all seemed worth it, but now I’m desperate to take it all off.

Before I can do anything to control them, tears start to fall. They’re not just for Isaac. They’re for all of them. Every bad date, every dashed hope I’ve had since I signed up to the dating apps so wide-eyed and certain I was going to find my person.

I take out my phone and go to the app that had ‘gifted’ me Isaac, but not to look for my next potential date. Instead, I press delete.

Chapter 2

‘What a dick,’ Karina says.

‘Believe me, he was worse. I’m only telling you what he said. You didn’t see the nastiness on his face as he said it.’

‘I’m sorry. Some men shouldn’t be allowed to talk to women. There should be a test anyone online dating has to take before they’re allowed to actually meet people in real life to see how they behave, and if they fail they have to spend their Friday nights sitting at home watching TV with their mum and reflecting on their life choices.’

‘I wish there was a test. It would have saved me a lot of upset,’ I tell her.

‘Oh, babe. Let me get you another drink. Do you want some popcorn, too? Some squirty cream?’

‘Yes, please. Bring what you can.’

I lie further back into Karina’s large, overstuffed sofa. If there’s anywhere to go to get over the upset of the night before, it’s Karina’s flat. With the soothing green palette and pale wood giving it a Nordic vibe, it’s one of my favourite places to be, and it helps that Karina is an excellent host too. She returns a few minutes later with our supplies and puts them on the coffee table before curling up next to me and pulling a fluffy blanket over us.

‘Are you sure you don’t mind cancelling your date with Ben?’ I ask.

Karina is meant to be meeting her boyfriend in a few hours for what is sure to be a very swanky, very romantic date, but with her black hair piled up on her head and in a fluffy jumper and leggings, she doesn’t look like she’s too devastated to be staying in with me instead.

‘No. It’s fine. I can’t be bothered going out tonight, and besides …’ She pauses, a small smile appearing at what we both know is coming.

‘You are joking, right? Not Ben, not lovely, fit, can’t-get-enough-of-you Ben? What could Ben possibly have done?’

While it might be my fate to only attract knobheads while online dating, Karina’s fate is to only attract wonderful, handsome men, who immediately fall for her and spend all their time trying to impress her. But, in a cruel twist, Karina gets the ick so easily, she’s never been able to date any of these amazing men for more than a few weeks before finding something that turns her off for good.

‘You know how he surprised me with dinner the other night at that new seafood restaurant in Spinningfields I’d been going on about?’

‘The meal you sent me a thousand pictures of and said was amazing?’

‘Yeah, and it was. Mostly. There was champagne waiting for us at the table, and it was a really great table, by the way. Ben was wearing this beautiful grey suit and getting looks from everyone, like they were trying to work out if he was famous or not. But as soon as he sat down, he told me he had the most hideous cold.’

‘Karina, you cannot break up with someone because they have a cold.’

‘No, course not,’ she says. ‘But I can break up with a grown man who twitches his nose like a bunny rabbit every two minutes to stop himself sneezing. It was disturbing! At first, I tried to ignore it, but the more I didn’t say anything, the more pronounced it got. I swear the people on the tables around us were looking at him and wondering what the fuck he was doing. I had to rush through my teriyaki salmon to get away. Also, you’ve got to admit, nobody wants a serving of germs with their starter. If I was sick, I’d have apologised and rain-checked. I’m literally waiting for the lurgy to kick in, Lizzie.’

The look on her face is so despairing that I burst out laughing. ‘Poor, poor Karina. You’re not going to end it with him because of that, though, are you?’

‘I’m not sure yet, but I think it’s best for the both of us if I don’t see him tonight and have some time to get over it.’

I laugh again and hand her the cream. ‘Yeah, you stay here with me and recover from your ordeal.’

‘So what are you in the mood for tonight?’ she asks once she’s swallowed several mouthfuls. ‘Crap TV and wine, or vodka and deciding what punishment we’d like to see befall Isaac?’

‘Definitely vodka.’

‘Good choice. Stay there, I’ll be right back.’

Twenty minutes and three shots later, the doorbell goes and Karina rushes to answer it. I hear Teddy saying, ‘Where is she?’ and the clinking of bottles in a bag as she walks in, which makes me smile. Terrible love life aside, at least I get to spend Saturday night with my two best friends.