Page 19 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘Yeah, I did. We had a really good time.’ It’s true. I know there’ll be a second date, and I already know I’ll enjoy it. When I woke up this morning, I was happy. Happy to be able to replay a night that ended at the right point with a nice man who I was attracted to and who I’d want to see again. That’s so much better than the anger or embarrassment or, most often, disappointment I’ve felt the morning after most of the first dates I’ve had for a long time. OK, perhaps my stomach wasn’t doing somersaults, and my brain didn’t go straight to planning our future together in the way I expected it might when I was sure I’d just met my soulmate, but God, last night with Jordan was way, way above my usual standard of dates.

‘Yeah, you’re going to need to elaborate,’ Teddy says. ‘For a start, is he fit?’

‘Very. All the waitresses were fawning over him, which was funny because he was oblivious to it.’

‘Lucky you. I love dating a man everyone else fancies. But come on, what was he like?’

‘He was nice. We had a nice time.’

‘Nice. OK. Nice is good. Anything else?’

‘Nope, I’m sticking with nice. There’s nothing wrong with that,’ I say, realising as I do how much it’s true and how few times over the last year I’ve been able to reach for that adjective when describing the men that I’ve dated. ‘It was a lovely date, and he’s just as great as you’d imagine an ex of Karina’s to be. I’m glad we went out, which for me to say is a pretty impressive result.’

‘I suppose so.’ She eyes me suspiciously, looking for more, but gives in after a few seconds when I give her nothing back. ‘I’m glad it went well. Will you go out with him again?’

‘Yeah, I think I will.’

‘That’s great.’

‘It is. But anyway, I want to know about your date. How was the golf?’

‘No, no, it wasn’t that bad at all,’ Teddy says, noticing the grimace on my face. ‘Elliot is,’ she pauses to search for the right word, ‘surprising.’

‘Is he?’

It’s not the word I’d have chosen for him. Yes, Elliot might have surprised me that one time a year ago, but every day afterwards I’d say he’s been the opposite of surprising. He’s dependable, organised, stable – all the qualities that make our friendship work. ‘In what way?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact I’ve always met him on a night out and haven’t spent much time with him because he’d always be chatting away to you, or it’s the way you’ve spoken about him that made me expect someone else. You know him as Elliot the teacher, and I guess a lot of the stuff you share about him is related to that, so I had this image of him from the stories you told me. I suppose I thought he was geeky, and he kind of is but in an appealing, very attractive way. He’s more than that too.’

‘Oh, yeah?’ I say, like I don’t know that already. ‘In what way?’

‘For a start, he’s funny. Not the kind of funny people think they are when, really, they’re just lifting lines from people they’ve seen on TikTok, but actually funny. I’d not got that from him before yesterday. I went to meet him not sure I was going to have a good time at all, but the first thing he did was laugh at himself and apologise for coming up with such a shit idea and then after that, it wasn’t shit. We ended up laughing the whole time, and it was strange. I didn’t feel like I needed to impress him once or that he was trying to impress me. We played the golf and if either of us messed up a shot we made fun of each other, and it was honestly one of the most relaxed, enjoyable first dates I can remember having.’

‘Wow,’ I say, making sure she sees the shock on my face. She might not be saying she’s madly in love with him and is swearing off all other men from this point on, but still it’s a lot from a first date.

‘I know, right?’

‘Did you guys grab a drink after the golf, or?’ I don’t know why I’m pressing so much. I’m glad it went well. Here we both are the day after our set ups with only positive things to say, and it’s exactly the result I wanted, but if I see Elliot at work tomorrow and he’s going to start talking about having sex with my friend, I should be ready for that.

‘We stayed on to have a few drinks in the golf place after, and we hugged goodbye. It was all very PG. I would have at least wanted a kiss out of the date because, well, you know, he’s gorgeous, but it wasn’t the right time. I’ve put myself in charge of planning our next date, and I’m going to make sure it’s the kind of night that leads to more than a hug.’

I make a kind of laughing grunt in agreement, and before I’m expected to say more, we’re forced to move into single file as a couple with no intention of unlocking hands are approaching us on the narrow path. Teddy glowers at them as they pass, but I’m grateful to have had a reprieve from the conversation.

Teddy mentioning kissing Elliot has led me straight to thinking about Elliot and I kissing, and I haven’t let myself do that for such a long time. Memories of the night we spent together begin to stir from under the layers and layers of friendship and professionalism I’d worked hard to bury them under. I become aware of how hot I am in my thick winter coat. Pulling the zip down, I welcome the cold blast of wind through my T-shirt.

The first time Elliot kissed me – the lightest touch of his mouth against mine, after I’d dropped my phone and he’d leaned over me to help me reach it, both of us giggling at my clumsiness until it was like a switch flicked and nothing was funny and the air had suddenly altered – that was only the start of it. It’s going to be the same with my thoughts. I’m remembering Elliot kissing me now, but just like we did when we came together, stopping at that is going to be almost impossible. Just thinking of us kissing has led to a fireworks’ display of memories going off in my head – my hands roaming over his wide chest, my hands grabbing his dark hair as he trailed kisses down my stomach, the way his eyes sparked as he smiled when he saw how much I wanted him.

Unless I work really, really hard my brain is going to diligently take me through the hours that followed all the way until we fell asleep in my bed, exhausted, his arm securing my thigh across him, like he didn’t want to let go. But these are thoughts I absolutely have to let go of. Thanks to me, Teddy and Elliot are now dating, and there’s no way I’m allowed to think of him like this ever again.

‘I’m so pleased it went well.’ I try to keep my voice steady, so she doesn’t hear the guilt in it caused by my wildly inappropriate flashbacks. ‘How do you think Karina’s getting on with Matthew?’ I ask, desperate to steer the conversation into a non-Elliot direction for the rest of the walk.

After another twenty minutes walking and trying to work out what Karina is going to say after her date with Matthew, I leave Teddy and get in my car to go straight to Mum’s. The kitchen, when I let myself into it through the back door, is in chaos, and I smile at the grated cheese on the counter, the dozens of dishes in the overflowing sink and the distinct smell of burning food.

When I was nine, I got sick and lost a lot of weight. In a bid to get me eating again Mum asked me what my favourite thing in the whole world to eat was so she could make it for me, and I said lasagne. That half-delusional, completely unconsidered answer has stuck ever since, and she makes it for me almost every time I come round. You’d think she’d have got the knack of it by now, but the variety in standard of lasagne changes so much each time, it’s quite staggering really. I should tell her that I’m not even that keen on it, never have been really, but whenever I see the pride on her face as she puts down the dish in the middle of the table, I know I never will.

‘Mum?’ I call. ‘Something’s burning.’

Mum hurries into the kitchen, a harried look on her face as she surveys the scene for the possible source. ‘Oh, that was only the onions. All sorted. Hello, you.’