Page 10 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘What happened this time?’ I ask.

‘I found out she wasn’t just dating me, but at least three other guys at the same time. To be honest, I couldn’t be arsed with the competition, so I took myself out of the game.’

I nod. ‘Fair decision.’

‘I know, right? She didn’t think so. She told me she was going to dump me anyway because, get this, out of the men she was seeing, she decided I was by far the least exciting. I was tempted to remind her how exciting I could be too, how she told me she’d never had a date at the Imperial War Museum before she met me but in the end, I decided to let her follow her misguided heart and find out her mistakes for herself.’

He’s poking fun at himself, like he always does, but I still work hard to keep my mouth from curling up into a smile. ‘Very wise.’

‘All of which means, I am now free for your consideration.’

‘No. Sorry, you’re not. See, we’ve never dated, so I couldn’t possibly recommend you to Teddy. You might be terrible on first dates. How do I know you don’t ask the poor girls you meet to name their top three Dickens’ characters before you’ve even bought them a drink?’

‘Hey, that’s an interesting question. You didn’t seem to mind me asking you that.’

‘That was different. We’re friends and you can just about get away with asking that to a friend. Plus, you know I love any opportunity to talk about my love for Miss Havisham.’

‘That’s true, but what if I promise to ask only non-Dickens, bland questions. What if I submit a question list to you for approval first?’

‘We both know you’d never stick to that list, and anyway, why are you so keen to get yourself into my notebook?’ I ask, but I already know the answer, and it makes me wish Elliot wasn’t smiling at me like that with an undeniable shine in his eyes whilst talking about being set up with my best friend.

I bet Elliot would love the chance to go out with Teddy. The few times they’ve met on nights out, I’ve seen how Elliot has been far from immune to Teddy’s charms. He’s gazed at her in the same way most people do, at her striking looks and that confident way of wearing whatever the hell she wants. Because let’s face it, she totally gets away with it unlike the rest of us who’d look like we’d got dressed in the dark. If she wasn’t completely oblivious to her charms, it would be hard not to be jealous of Teddy, but like Karina’s magnetic personality, my two best friends’ gifts have always been so natural that I’ve only ever admired them.

‘I’m not trying to get in your notebook,’ Elliot says, holding his hands up in mock surrender, ‘just curious to know more about your selection process.’

‘Don’t you worry about my selection process,’ I tell him, feeling my shoulders tightening. This really isn’t a conversation we should be having. He knows that full well, and I can feel the irritation spreading down my body.

‘Fine,’ he says, relenting. He gives me that smile, the one I only ever see him use with me. Frustrated and amused at the same time. He doesn’t crack it out much, but when he does, I always think how it makes him look happy even though he’s exasperated, and I love that I’ve brought it out of him with something I’ve said or done. ‘I’ll leave you to Toby, Jay and Eddie then. Good luck.’

I wait until he’s shut the classroom door before getting back to my list. I take a few clearing breaths and think about what Elliot said, that he would be flattered if an ex chose him as good enough to date their friend. That’s good. It’s what I needed to hear. Elliot doesn’t qualify to be set up with Teddy, and I’m still perturbed at the suggestion he would be, but I guess it’s nice to know he’d be on board with the idea.

I return to Toby, Jay and Eddie. One of these three is going to get the chance to go out with Teddy. Beautiful, funny, amazing Teddy. They should be flattered. If only I could decide which one of them it was going to be.

Chapter 5

Karina and I sit on the barstools in Teddy’s kitchen, glass of wine in our hands and our phones in front of us. Teddy is sat up on the worktop, still in the blue bandage dress she’s worn for work, her stilettos dangling from her feet, working her way through the pitta bread and hummus she’s put out for all of us. She’s eaten most of it herself as she’s not had time to stop all day, too busy racing from one side of the city to the other to show people round houses on her boss’ say so.

‘OK. Now we’re finally all here, who’s going first?’ Karina asks, staring pointedly at me for arriving half an hour late after a staff meeting at school ran over.

‘Not me,’ Teddy says. ‘I need more wine.’

‘Me too,’ I agree, ‘although we don’t want to be slurring when we call them.’

‘Good point. I’ll go first,’ Karina offers. ‘Get it over and done with.’ She picks up her phone before abruptly placing it back down again. ‘Are we right in thinking this is a good idea? Or are we about to make complete arses of ourselves?’

‘No,’ I insist, as I have been all week. ‘The opposite. Three men are about to get extremely lucky thanks to us. Just keep thinking what the payoff for a two-minute awkward conversation could be. You can do this.’

Somewhere among the hundreds of messages we’ve sent over the last week, we decided that when the time came for each of us to ring up our exes, we’d do it together, that it would be far less awkward if we had each other there for moral support and if there was booze involved.

Karina has decided to set me up with an ex of hers I vaguely remember called Nathan, who I never managed to meet before she broke up with him because he kept wearing an aftershave she couldn’t stand. Smell aside, she’s promised he’s lovely and funny and she thinks we’ll get on really well. I’ve decided to set Teddy up with Jay. Once I started writing my pros and cons lists for my top three exes, he was a clear winner with a decent list of positives to his name. Teddy’s still to tell us who she’s choosing for Karina, and I’m not sure if that’s because she has lots of options or is struggling to find even one.

All day I’ve been excited to get to Teddy’s, to finally get these dates sorted, and nervous as I am at speaking to Jay again, I’m looking forward to Karina calling Nathan and putting us in touch with each other.

‘Good luck, Kar,’ Teddy says.

‘Here we go. The things I do for you, Lizzie,’ Karina says before taking a huge gulp of wine and picking her phone up. ‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,’ she chants until the call is picked up. ‘Oh hey, Nathan, it’s Karina. Long time, no speak.’

Teddy makes a show of pretending to choke on her pitta bread at long time no speak before smiling at me and giving me a thumbs up.