Page 447 of Call Me Baby 2: Side B

He squints to pierce me with the truth.

“But you give me nothin’.

“You can’t answer one simple question.

“You can’t feel safe enough to cry in my arms, let alone in front of me. Or for fuck’s sake, open up to me. At all.”

“That’s what you want?” I say, stopping him, my eyes bouncing frantically between his. “That’s what will make you happy?

“Me sad and crying in your arms?

“Me telling you why I throw up?”

I’m tearing up.

I grind down on my teeth to control it.

“Yeah, Allison.

“That’d be a fuckin’ start.”

How do I tell him the reason’s ‘cause I feel gross, without him taking it personally? “Drew—I—” My head’s shaking, refusing for me. Then my shoulders collapse as I stare at him. “When you asked me if you were enough? I couldn’t answer you that night… ‘cause the second I do?” I say, my eyes bouncing between his. “You’ll always look to me to remind you. And if not me? You’ll go back to trying to find that answer in everyone else. And I—” I’m breathing heavy, my pulse is panicked. “I don’t want that.”

He turns his head into his hand,

grips his hair.

Then nods into it,

‘cause he understands,

but it still doesn’t make him feel better.

My hand wraps around his arm.

“Andrew—”

He turns his head again, looking at me.

“I care about you.

“More than I’ve cared about anyone.”

Andrew’s hand slips through his hair, lands on the back of his head. “Shitty part is, Allison—you can’t even be sure about that. Not when your abuser’s still fuckin’ abusin’ you. It’s still goin’ on.” He looks up at me again, eyes tired. “I can’t even trust that any of it’s real with you… not when—not when you keep puttin’ your addiction first.”

He tips his head,

arm falling across my hip.

“How do you know that’s you talkin’, and not your fuckin’ clit? I mean, c’mon. You just told me you’re addicted to me. How do I know the second I fuckin’ walk away from this, your panic will come from heartbreak and not fear ‘cause you ain’t got me on tap no more.”

He lifts his shoulder.

“You don’t know. You can’t.

“Too much shit blurs the lines.

“Nothin’ solid to hold on to.