Page 102 of Call Me Baby 2: Side B
watch it slip through my fingers.
“Next thing I know, I’m laying under you, trying not to cry so I wouldn’t wake you. Then I figured I’d rather leave than bury you.”
My tongue’s wrapped in that dumb fuzz, making everything taste sluggish. I don’t feel pain in my face anymore. It evaporated between the drags and sips.
“Allison,” he says with disbelief.
“What the hell… You were cryin’?
“While I was sleeping?”
He hits me with sad eyes,
as if I’m a tragedy he wants to hold.
“C’mon. Why didn’t you wake me?”
My hands sink into the water. “You ever seen me cry?” I ask, raising a brow. “I’m not talking happy tears. I mean the gross ones.” He hasn’t, so he says nothing. “I don’t let people see that shit, especially men. I don’t give anyone that power over me. I do it at home. In my car. My shower. Alone.”
Tears make you two things to anyone who sees them: breakable and ownable. And neither’s safe. They’ll either pity you, punish you, or play God with it.
Andrew’s eyes are rimmed red from the wine, the cold, maybe the way I said alone.
“Hey,” he says, softer. “For real. Don’t ever do that shit again, aight?” He brings the bottle to his lips. “Breaks my fuckin’ heart.”
He takes a long swig and sets the wine on the edge. “So that’s the logic, huh?” He nods slow, trying to accept it but can’t. “Your mom dies… Your dad dies…Then I show up, alive, breathin’, givin’ a fuck about you, and I get punished for it.”
He pauses to collect himself before his voice gives him away. “‘Cause either I’ll leave or drop dead. No in-between.” He gestures to me. “And you think that’s protectin’ you? You think that’s makin’ Allison happy?”
He says it as if I don’t already know how fucked up this is. As if I picked this life for myself out of a catalog.
Self-sabotage, size medium.
“Yeah, well… never said it made sense.” I sink into the seat, tip my head back on the concrete ledge, and close my eyes as the snow falls on my face. “Told you upfront. You’re the one still here.”
The words pour warm, red, easy.
Like wine. Like blood. Like a sunset.
Like things that only end in darkness.
And right now, I don’t care if he sees this side of me anymore. “Don’t blame the fucked-up girl for actin’ fucked-up.”
My eyes open to the night sky.
I watch the snow come down on me.
“That’s what I do.
“Beg you to stay…
“but don’t get too close.
“Leave me alone…
“but don’t go too far.
“Fight for me…
