Page 25 of Tainted Love

We hit it off right away. It was as if some unseen force drew together our chaotic lives. I couldn’t help but gravitate toward him, and he toward me. Maybe it was because we were both struggling and holding onto hockey as the one consistent aspect of our lives. My life has been a mess for as long as I can remember, and while it still is, I try not to burden others with my problems.

Delzy knows my dad is rarely home due to his job and that my older brother dropped out of college to pursue the path of a coked-out loser. But there’s so much more to my life than that. Dark secrets and painful memories that I keep buried deep inside.

Only one person knows a fraction of what I’ve been through, and we don’t discuss it. We don’t speak at all, preferring to pretend the other doesn’t exist. I hate it, but it’s a way to cope.

Some of the guys have attended a few parties at my house, but I do my best to keep the people I care about away from there as much as possible now. Nothing good can come from being there. My Gram learned that lesson the hard way. The walls may be standing, but the memories within them are crumbling and decaying like a neglected graveyard.

Shit. It’s barely eight in the morning, and I’m already fighting against the overwhelming urge to just give up. But I can’t. Not this year. Not when it’s my last chance to turn things around before college. My fingers grip tightly onto my worn backpack as I enter the school building, preparing for my last year at Merrimack High School.

As I sit through my morning classes, my mind races, trying to keep up with the lectures and notes. Maintaining a decent GPA is crucial for me, but school itself is not my main priority. Instead, I concentrate on one goal: getting out of here and into a better future for myself and my grandmother. It’s a constant struggle, but I’ve managed to fake my way through most of my classes so far, relying on help from the occasional nerd when needed. But deep down, that won’t be enough if I want to truly succeed.

Focus. That’s all I need to do this year—one school year, nine months. I need to keep my grades up, stay out of trouble, and get into a good college. Eventually, I will have enough money to take care of my grandmother. Those are my priorities right now.

At least I’ve settled into the school day by mid-morning, and before I know it, we’re headed to lunch. Garrison said we should take off and leave campus for lunch, but Delzy wants to be careful and play it by the rules. I suspect there’s more to it. Since we got in here, he’s been sneaking looks at the new girl.

My heart goes out to her. She sits alone, lost in thought. I’ve seen her a few times today during passing periods, and she appeared lonely and confused each time. The slant of her shoulders and the distant look in her eyes speaks volumes about her lack of confidence. She’s a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit into the world around her. Despite being surrounded by hundreds of people right now, she seems to exist in her own world. I know the feeling where loneliness settles deep into your chest, and even amidst a room full of people, it eats away at you from the inside.

My eyes scan the crowded cafeteria and land on Sascha Bell as they normally do. She’s weaving through tables full of chattering students, a determined look on her face. She reaches the table where the new girl, Ivy, I think her name is, sits. Sascha slides into the seat across from her.

I can’t hear what she’s saying, but judging by the way Ivy’s shoulders are no longer up around her ears, Sascha is making her feel comforted. A few seconds later, I witness a genuine smile light up Ivy’s face as she lets out a warm chuckle.

Sascha always had a soft spot for the underdogs, those who didn’t fit in. I remember when she first saw me, a lonely kid with nowhere to call home. She walked right up to me and said, “I’ll be your home.” And she was. For almost a whole year, she was my rock until everything spectacularly fell apart at the hands of my father’s addictions.

Sascha doesn’t think I remember, but I do. I can still recall the warmth of those early September days when we first met, the feeling of belonging with her by my side. But those warm memories are tinged with the memories of the days that came later, casting out the warmth that still chills me to the bone.

I’ve been observing Sascha from afar for years now. I can see her walking down the school hallways, radiating an unapologetic sense of self. Only her physical appearance has changed since we were kids; her heart is still as pure and genuine as it was at age five. It’s a quality that always captures my admiration.

As I watch her, I’m reminded of my journey toward self-acceptance - which took much longer than hers. If only I had found that confidence when I was thirteen, maybe Sascha wouldn’t look at me with such disdain now.

As a foolish and insecure kid, I blew my chance to make things right with my best friend. My guard had been up, fueled by false bravado, and in just five short minutes, I lost the opportunity to earn back her trust. She values honesty above all else, which I couldn’t give her back then. And now, even if I could, it would be pointless. She would only throw it back in my face.

Suddenly, a deep voice interrupts my thoughts. “Hey, Earth to Taz.” Landry’s voice. With a shake of my head, I clear the clouded thoughts in my brain of a boy and girl running around a playground.

He stares at me with a sly, mischievous smirk playing on his lips. His eyes hold a hint of amusement and something else I can’t quite place.

“What?” I say, a bit defensive under his gaze.

“Nothing,” he shrugs nonchalantly, but the glint in his eye tells me there is definitely more to it than that.

Delzy speaks up, breaking the tension between us. “Let’s go, boys,” he says, leaving the bustling cafeteria. But I can’t help noticing how he steals glances back at Ivy and smiles at her melodic laughter before we exit through the large double doors.

My mind starts to race as I wonder what this all means for me. If he’s interested in getting to know Ivy better, does that mean I have a chance to work my way back into Sascha’s life? It all depends on whether they remain friends or not. But for now, I can’t help feeling hopeful about the possibilities.

Chapter 12

“Things Can Only Get Better”

Taz - Age 18, 1988

Fifth period is English. It’s an unfortunate coincidence that this class is right after lunch. English class is always a struggle for me, but being wound up from lunch will make it more difficult to concentrate. And to make matters worse, Delzy’s in this class with me, which will only add to the chaos.

When Ivy walks in, we’re hanging out in our usual spot at the back of the classroom with a few other students. She looks slightly happier than at lunch, but her head is down, obviously retreating back into her shell like some hot Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

She glances at our group and quickly looks away, pulling items out of her backpack methodically.

“Look who’s here.” I lean in and tease Delzy, prompting the teacher to ask if we’d like to share what we’re discussing. I hate when they ask that. Just once, I want to answer, “Your mom.” But that kind of smart-ass remark will get me in trouble with Coach. Our teachers all know we play for the Mavs, and they hold it over our heads whenever possible.

As the class finally settles down, he drones on about the syllabus. I tune out, already thinking about my plans for after school. When the teacher passes out a form to sign up for a book project and prepare a group presentation, I immediately grab it and scan for Delzy’s name. We both often miss school for games, so working on the same project together makes sense. Plus, we both know how to hustle and get things done efficiently.