Page 69 of Beautiful Small Things

The Inevitable

James- Age 24

The past few months have been unbelievable. Marcus, Iris, and I have settled into a routine. I’m with Iris during the day, working as her nanny and loving every minute of it. When Marcus gets home, we have dinner together, and after we put the baby to bed, we have time alone. More often than not, it involves mind-blowing sex and sweet cuddles.

We celebrated my twenty-fourth birthday together at the beach, just the three of us. We had a picnic, complete with German Chocolate birthday cake, my favorite. It was the best birthday I’ve ever had.

We haven’t told our families about us yet, instead preferring to live in this little bubble as long as possible. It’s been a dream. Uncomplicated and easy. But then the universe reminds you of its ability to completely dismantle your life.

It all changes for me a week before Iris’s first birthday. We go outside to check the mail like we always do, but now she’s toddling next to me, holding my hand.

I’m leaning on the kitchen counter and sifting through the envelopes when I see one from The Renault Conservatory. I haven’t reapplied. I haven’t given much thought to my future in dance since Marcus and I became a couple. I go to the studio a few times per week and dance to stay in shape and support my mental health, but I no longer crave the dream of dancing professionally. I never thought I’d feel settled at twenty-four years old, but here I am, and I’m happy.

Once we get inside and Iris settles down for a nap, I grab the envelope and flip it over in my hands a few times. It’s so thoughtful of them to preemptively write to me again to deny my entry before I’ve even reapplied.

I open the letter just to remind myself why I don’t want to pursue this career, and I’m punched in the gut as I read the first line.

Dear Ms. Parker,

We are pleased to inform you that a spot has become available for the upcoming session. We have reviewed your application materials and we are certain you will make a wonderful addition to this company.

Please respond…

I quit reading after that as a multitude of complicated emotions clouded my ability to think straight. I’m surprised, elated, terrified, and proud. The sound of Iris babbling nonsensically in the next room cuts through the cloud of emotion like a sharpened sword. Dread settles into my chest, thinking of being away from her. Being away from them. It makes my throat feel tight and my heart physically hurt.

I look at the date on the letter and see I have twelve days to think this over before I have to inform them that I plan to commit to admittance.

I look at the clock and see that it’s almost time for Marcus to get home so I stuff the letter into a drawer in the kitchen for safekeeping. I’ll think about it later. Iris needs me right now.

A few days later I’m slightly closer to making a decision. I’m leaning towards politely declining their offer. I’m happy. I don’t want to move across the country.

But will I always wonder if I don’t go?

This decision has been anguishing. I’m 78% sure I’m going to stay. The nagging feeling that I will miss out on something extraordinary dissipates. My period is late and I know it’s because of the stress of this situation. I need to move on. Still, I should be responsible and take a pregnancy test, just to err on the side of caution. I’ve always been very diligent about taking my birth control pills, but if I’m late, I take a test just to be sure.

I’m perched above the counter, staring down at the test on the counter. Just one blue line. I wait a few more minutes just to be sure. Still just one line. I hold it up to the light and stare through it. It’s definitely negative, just like I knew it would be.

I toss it in the trash can and wash my hands, satisfied that once I inform them that I plan to decline the admission, my body will relax.

I’m grappling with the decision to tell Marcus about the letter. After all, it is my life and my decision. But my life is now intertwined with his. He deserves to know that my plans have changed.

I don’t know how he is going to react. He and I prefer to live in the moment. We talk in terms of later this week or even next month. We’ve never talked about six months or one year from now.

I hear Marcus come through the front door just as I exit the bathroom.

“Hey, you,” I say as I catch him removing his scrubs and changing into his workout clothes.

“Hey, yourself,” he flirts. “You look beautiful today.”

“Well, thank you, Dr. Sinclair,” I tease. I’m aware of the effect that has on him.

“Get over here,” he commands, and I can’t get to him fast enough. As I reach him he takes me in his arms and pulls my hair, giving him access to my neck. He kisses and nips the tender column of my throat. “Is the baby asleep?”

“Still down for her nap,” I whimper.

“I need you,” he says, letting go of my hair and reaching around to cup my ass in his hands. He swiftly lifts me in the air and walks me back to the bed, where he drops me with a bounce.

Staring at me the entire time he undresses, he looms over me, predator and prey. God, this is the sexiest man I’ve ever met. I can’t believe he’s mine. I can’t believe this is my life.