Page 96 of Risking the Pucking Defense

“I saw you slip into that closet, and I moved on instinct. I didn’t stop to think about any of the consequences. A little like earlier on my couch. I just saw you hurting, and I followed. I had no idea if you wanted me there, or⁠—”

“I always want you there, Hails,” I assure her, hating seeing her questioning herself. “I was struggling. Knowing that I was going to go out there and she wasn’t going to be with my parents.” I rub at my chest as the familiar pain returns. “It fucking wrecked me. Sitting in the dressing room with the guys as if it was just another game, listening to Coach talk as if everything was normal. Fuck, it sent me spiraling because nothing is normal. Nothing ever will be again.”

She doesn’t say anything; she just watches me with empathy etched into her features as she listens to me talk.

“In that moment, I didn’t think I was going to be able to go out there. All I could think about doing was running. Away from the pain, the fear, the new normal that everyone expects me to just accept.”

“No one expects that, Hayden. Everyone knows that⁠—”

“I know that. I do,” I assure her. “But in that moment, I felt so alone. Everyone was so locked in on the game and what was expected of them. And there I was, barely able to tread water and keep myself afloat. I want to do the team proud. I want to prove to Coach that he made the right decision by putting me on the second line with Brody. I want to show my parents that everything they sacrificed for me to play hockey was worth it.”

I hate the tears that flood my eyes. I don’t want to cry anymore, but they just won’t stop.

“Hayden,” Hailee breathes, shifting closer so she can take my hand. “You do all of those things. Everyone is proud of you. Everyone knows you belong here; you’ve earned your place time and time again.”

“I hope so,” I force out through the lump in my throat.

Hailee wraps her arms around my shoulders, and she holds me tight as my emotions once again give me whiplash. I guess that’s something no one can prepare you for when you lose someone. While you’re going through unimaginable pain, life still goes on. There are still reasons to smile and laugh, and there are still things that bring you joy. Desire still exists. But no matter how high the highs might be, the devastation of the low is always waiting just behind it. Everyone says that it gets easier, and right now, I just have to believe that’s true.

She takes my face in her hands, her eyes locked on mine. “I know so,” she states, her tone leaving no room for argument.

“Thank you for chasing me. If you didn’t, I’m not sure I’d have made it out there tonight.”

She smiles coyly as she retakes her place and picks up a rib.

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Hayden,” she confesses, staring at the plate of garlic bread as if it might hold all the answers. “Since I moved here, I’ve prided myself on being focused on the job, having everything planned and scheduled. The only spontaneity I allowed myself was what takeout I might order or which bottle of wine I might grab at the store. But then I found you in that stairwell at Linc and Parker’s wedding, and everything has gone to hell.”

Guilt sinks in my gut like a rock.

“I’m sor⁠—”

“No,” she snaps, finally looking at me again. “I’m not blaming you. Well, not really,” she adds with a little laugh. “I’m just…I’m trying to explain, trying to understand. I’m…I’m breaking every freaking rule in the book, risking everything I’ve worked for, everything I’ve built here. But for the first time in a very long time, I’m stepping out of the box I put myself in when I started over here, and it’s terrifying. But it’s also exhilarating.”

I study her, my brows pinched as a million questions run through my head.

“Why did you put yourself in a box?” I finally settle on.

A self-deprecating laugh tumbles from her lips.

“Because it’s safe. Because while I’m inside, no one can touch me, no one can hurt me. I make the rules, and no one else has any control over my decisions or the moves I make.”

My heart slams against my ribs, and my fists curl with the need to hurt the man who forced her to live her life like that.

“I’m scared too,” I confess, aware that I’ve probably already gotten more out of her than she’s comfortable with.

She smiles at me. “At least we can be scared together.”

“Makes it sound less scary, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. It really does.”

28

HAILEE

Ialways thought I had a big couch, but as I lie here watching the TV with a hockey player stretched out behind me, I realize that it might not actually be big enough.

Hayden’s front is pressed to my back, his solid arm locked around my waist, ensuring that I don’t stand a chance at escaping. Not that I want to.