Page 50 of The Coldest: Stay Dangerous Part 2

“I knew then the way I was moving, I had no room for you in my life. But I’m such a selfish muthafucka, and then you validated it, telling me you didn’t care. You made me think I could have it all, and for a little while, I did. We’ve done so much shit to each other, even now. But I need you to know that, even if you don’t accept it, I am sorry, and I do regret it.

“I, uh, regret a lot. How I… used sex, even as a kid… all these years, Nut been preaching about how wrong it is, and it took me watching Mars grow up to see.”

My eyebrows kiss, but I stay silent. Is he even still talking to me?

“You probably won’t believe me… but I, uh, I guess it’s abstinent, not celibate. But I ain’t had no type of sex since I turned thirty last year. At first I wanted to see if I could. Now, I just haven’t had the urge anymore. Haven’t… had the urge to do a lot of shit, I guess.”

His grip turns slack, and I break away from him, scrambling onto my feet.

Rico does the same, and for a moment, we both just peer at each other.

He looks almost embarrassed. Biting the corner of his mouth again, he shrugs. “I’on know why I just told you that. I guess I just want you to see how serious I am. Serious about starting over. Not just with you. With my whole life. I’m not… I don’t want Mars to deal with the shit we dealt with. But that means doing shit differently, too.”

I narrow my eyes like that will help me focus on how to feel. The last month blurs around me, all the different times we’ve yelled, screamed, and hurt each other. The words are slurred as they repeat, and I can only make out the different emotions; rage, hurt–so much hurt, resentment.

My palm begins to itch where I cut myself, so I scratch it with my fingernail.

I really don’t think he’ll kill me. Actually… I know he won’t.

That realization has my chest deflating.

“You’re serious.” It’s more of a statement than a question, but he still answers me with a nod.

“Well, okay. I’ll accept your apology.”

Rico cracks his knuckles. “Do you have anything you wanna–”

“Nope. I don’t regret shit, Patches.” I grin, showing all of my teeth.

He chuckles once, before ambling over to the door. “Whatever, man. I’ma take us back to shore.”

Rolling my eyes, I get comfortable again on my couch. “Yeah, whatever.”

Abstinent at thirty. Hoes always wanna turn abstinent after getting ran through. Should have been abstinent while we were dating!

“Dick prolly fell off… prolly not even abstinent by choice,” I mumble, laying onto my side.

But shit, I got my apology, and a nice bikini tan. And even though I had a weak moment in those big arms of his, I still came out on top. I guess today isn’t so bad.

Still doesn’t beat Pandora’s yacht party, but it’s a close second.

Wyn

I wonder what would happen if I just took this butter knife and stabbed myself in the neck.

Darting my gaze to the rude bitch that is Nan, elbow deep in some type of dough, I ponder on it. She’s kind of spry for her age, but I think if I were to plunge it deep enough, she wouldn’t be able to save me.

That’s how ready I am to get the hell up out of here.

I’ve been in Belize for over four months now. And because it is now spring, the little stretch of beach that Rico’s extended family owns now experiences rain while the sun is out.

It’s storming right now. Miele went with NiNi and Reno to visit family in Mango Creek, so I’m stuck with Nan.

There’s a wedding party at the hotel, and she has me rolling up silverware while she goes over the rehearsal dinner menu with her head chef. When the chef leaves, Nan starts rolling dough, and humming some song that doesn’t even sound like a real song.

What a mean old lady. She refuses to speak English, even though I know she speaks it fluently. She’s not fooling me. Ain’t no way she was Spanish only in the Birch. But for whatever reason, she is Spanish only here. Even when everyone else responds in English.

And she doesn’t let anyone translate for me either. She just speaks slow like I’m the one in the wrong, or points her gnarled fingers at whatever she wants me to do. That’s why I’ve been avoiding her.