Page 18 of The Coldest: Stay Dangerous Part 2

“Numbing yourself.”

My heart seizes as I look away. I want to deny what she says, I want to deny it vehemently. But Summy has been someone I could never lie to. The only person I could never lie to.

“You’ve been numbing yourself since you were a baby. Auty feels too much, and you make yourself feel nothing. Be mad, Wynnie. Get angry. Get upset. Yell, scream. I’m giving you permission. Heck, even be mad at me.”

“Never,” I giggle, turning toward her. “I can never be mad at you. If you could, you’d be here. I know that.”

“But I’m not. So be mad. They’re feelings, Wynnie, and they need to be felt. And the only person they have to make sense to is you. Auty can yell at you about things that have nothing to do with you. Any time she’s upset, you know about it. You have her thinking she is perfect, because you hold everything in. You have everyone around you thinking they do no wrong, because you laugh everything off. How is that fair to you? I’ll answer, it’s not.”

“Oh, it’s easy for you to say! You’re not here! I’m not like Auty. I can’t just yell and scream and hit people and they still wanna be around me. Especially if it’s about frivolous shit.”

“Your feelings aren’t frivolous, Wynnie. And I can’t really speak for these guys you hang with. I can only speak for my sisters. Hold onto Auty by letting her in. She’s been mean to you for twenty-some odd years. She can handle you yelling for a little while. And who knows, maybe you’ll feel lighter.”

I roll my eyes. “I’ll try. If I ever get out of here.”

“Try on me.”

My head almost snaps off my neck.

Summy isn’t alone anymore. Fredo is sitting next to her, legs folded into his chest.

“Go ahead, Wyn. Reach deep down and tell me the fuck off.”

Summy’s eyes expand as she takes him in. “Sheesh. Who is this, Wynnie?”

“I’m her brother-in-law. Or I would have been by now, if I went with my first mind and inserted myself into her and my brother’s business.”

“I mean I get why you didn’t–”

“No, Wynnie,” Summy stops me. “Feel it. Feel whatever you tamper down.”

Blowing out air, I shift from my sister to Fredo.

It’s funny how small differences add to their individuality. Fredo wore a mustache and goatee before he passed. Blond streaks were dispersed in his slightly lighter hair, pulled up in a bun. A bright tattoo is etched on his neck; he told me the pink planet covered in green slime is supposed to be Jupiter.

Fredo grew into himself after Rico left. It seemed like all the attention Rico would get transferred to Fredo, and he shined in it.

But he never forgot about me.

Somewhat.

The projector screen began flipping through different scenes of my life. Times where Fredo, Set, and I would tear the city up. Times where I’d spot him out with Set and whoever called themselves trying to take my place. Times where he’d check in, only when no one was looking.

“I can handle it–”

“Why did you abandon me with everyone else? I mean…” I clear my throat, before leveling my glare at him.

Anger feels so foreign to me. Anger toward anyone other than myself. My body fights against it. My shoulders literally shake under the weight. I feel it building and building, coiling tightly inside my chest.

“You knew more than anyone. I told you everything. You never went to bat for me. Not with Auty. Not with anyone. You let them talk shit about me when I fucked with Set. You let Auty believe I didn’t do shit for her. We still hung out, but it wasn’t the same. You’d check on me, sure, but you left me, too. You knew what Rico did to me, and you still blamed me for everything. You swore you weren’t a leader, but people listened to you. You could have stood up for me, but you folded. Like everyone else.”

Fredo peers at me long after I finished. But I don’t feel better. Fredo’s dead, and though everything I said I really did feel, what was the point if he can’t say anything back?

“The point is getting it off your chest, Wynnie. It’s not about getting an apology or acknowledgment, even though that’s nice. It’s about you. It’s purely about you and your feelings and letting them go.”

“Yeah,” Fredo agrees. “I mean, I’m sure I had my own issues and shit, and through it all, Rico is my brother. Just like through it all, Auty is your sister. But just ‘cause you understand the sides doesn’t mean shit was right.”

“The real test is telling people still around to hear it.” Summy gestures toward the screen, and it’s frozen on Rico.