Page 148 of The Coldest: Stay Dangerous Part 2

“Auty’s said and done worse. Why does it matter now?”

“It always mattered. It always bothered me. Now… now I can’t hide it.” I wipe my face hard. “I used to say I’d hate you for her, since she’s incapable. Now I… I think I hate her for you, since you’re incapable. I hate anyone who I feel like don’t fuck witchu, Snow. And I wanna body anyone who fuck witchu too much. You see I’m in quite a predicament.”

“A conundrum indeed,” she giggles. When she finally takes my hand, my chest deflates, and my throat finally opens. I drive up a little, the line moving.

“I want you and Haze to be good. I always have.” I close my hand around hers, and bring it to my mouth. “But, not at your expense. I’ma choose you over her, and not regret it at all.” Our hands drop back to her lap. “She is spiraling, bae. Been that. But you’re not the reason. And it’s not your problem.”

“She’s my sister,” she whispers, wiping her tears with her free hand. “I will never wash my hands of her. Never.”

“But now I bet you thirsty right? Or you itching for some weed? Maybe something else?”

“Fuck you!” she hisses, glancing at Mars before throwing my hand back at me. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not, Snow. You sad as fuck, can feel your energy filling up my fuckin’ whip. And it gets worse whenever you around Haze.”

The truth makes her avert her gaze, and she turns in her seat. It’s our turn to get to the window, so I show them my order confirmation and get our chicken dinners.

“You know how I come behind my things, Snow. And you, my love, are my most precious thing. I absolutely will do whatever I need to so that you straight. Hate me all you want, but you’ll be hating me alive and sober.”

She mocks me as she takes the food so I can drive off. We’re both quiet, low music filling the space, mixing with the chicken I can’t wait to fuck up.

“You can hate me, too, because I’m not going as your date to Reem and YT’s wedding. I’m a bridesmaid anyway.”

“Okay,” I chuckle, “I’m a groomsmen, nigga. You can still be my date.” It takes a second for me to feel pissed, since she caught me off guard with her comment. That was one of the texts I sent while she was ignoring me, but all of them just said delivered, not read.

I assumed she blocked me.

“I thought you’d wanna bring Gianna instead,” she spits. “You are so lame for that, by the way. She’s like, twenty-three. And I just know she don’t wipe good with all that ass she’s toting.”

“You sound like a hater fasho.” When she doesn’t disagree, I laugh harder, not stopping until we get to her crib.

“Ummmm, you are not allowed up!” she shrieks, taking off her seatbelt.

“Ooo, it’s just us, Snow?” Mars asks, cheesing at her like she just handed him a million dollars.

“Nah. This a group movie night. Don’t forget your backpack.”

I’m already in Snow’s parking space she don’t use. I’m not going back home because she don’t understand psychological warfare.

Snow grabs Mars’s hand and they walk ahead of me, debating which movie we’ll all be watching. She ignores me, even when I fix all of our plates and we go sit at her new dining room table and eat.

I like watching her engage with Mars, so it’s no skin off my back. Not at first, anyway. I take a shower and change into some clothes I brought over here while they clean up. When I leave the bathroom, they’re settled onto her bed, watching some animated movie on her projector. There’s room on the other side of Mars for me, so I take my place there, and get on my phone.

Soft snores have me glancing up. The movie’s still playing, but only Snow is watching it. Mars is sound asleep, snoring louder and louder as he drifts off.

He looks just like Fredo, especially now. No hint of Ju anywhere.

Would our baby had been like that? No hint of Snow?

My chest constricts like it always does when I think about what could have been. It’s my most delusional thought, and yet, it cuts me the deepest. I can think about Ma before I think about the baby Snow killed. My fists clench, my breathing turns labored.

Snow’s so into the movie, she doesn’t even notice.

But I push through. Because there actually may be a time where I have that chance again.

Would I want our child to be my carbon copy? No. Well…

Maybe I’d be okay with our son looking like me, if he inherited everything else from Snow. Her curiosity. Her loyalty. Her heart.