Page 23 of Zero Confusion

“Wait, you can’t talk to me because I’m not gay?” When Zach stayed infuriatingly silent, Miles continued, “I wish you wouldn’t shut me out like that. If you really don’t want to talk about it, I’ll drop it, I swear, but don’t keep secrets from me because you think I won’t get it. I want to know you, Zee.”

Zach’s fingers drummed a light rhythm against Miles’s hand. Even as tense as a bowstring, Zach never pulled away, never tried to escape the embrace. This show of naked trust almost overwhelmed Miles, making him want to wrap Zach inside his body and protect him from the world, to be his safe harbor forever.

“Having a personal life is not the same thing as having secrets or hiding. You don’t tell me about every person you fuck, and neither do I. I mean…” Zach pulled back, and a note of accusation crept into his tone, “You’ve never volunteered any details.”

“I would.”

“No, you haven’t,” Zach said indignantly, pushing away from Miles’s chest. “I think I would remember something like that.”

“I said I would,” Miles insisted, raising his voice and clamping down on Zach’s waist to prevent him from moving. “If there was something to tell, I would.”

He let the implication sink in, enjoying Zach’s stunned silence and wide eyes brimming with shock. “Are you…”

Yeah, Miles was a virgin. He wasn’t ashamed of that fact, though he rarely volunteered it, letting people assume whatever they wanted. Mainly to avoid the awkward explanations to questions that inevitably followed, because the answer was very anti-climactic. He just…didn’t want to. After learning the term, he wondered if he might be asexual, though he’d eventually discarded that train of thought. He was attracted to people—mostly women, though he’d started noticing attractive men ever since Zach had come out to him. Either way, he didn’t think that label was right for him. He enjoyed porn. He wanted to have sex, looked forward to enjoying it one day, but there hadn’t been anyone who was worth the bother.

Miles smiled at Zach’s astonished expression and nodded. “I am.”

“Seriously? How? You’re so hot!” Zach exploded. “Are you waiting for marriage or something?”

A laugh burst out of Miles. “Definitely not. You know I’m not religious.”

“I know, but… How?”

He kissed Zach’s hair and cradled him closer to his chest instead of answering. Slowly, muscle by muscle, Zach’s tension melted, and he let out a sigh. “Fine. What do you want to know?”

Miles mulled it over. A million questions rushed through his head, stacking on top of each other, blurring into a giant mess of question marks. He wanted to know everything. And not the generic stuff he could find online—he wanted Zach’s own perspective.

“How did you get into BDSM? And why do you like it?”

Without being able to see his face, he couldn’t tell Zach’s reaction, so he waited in silence, content to concentrate on the soft puffs of breath across his chest. Finally, Zach spoke.

“I’m actually not…super into the whole D/s thing. At least not the way you’re probably thinking. It’s more of a bedroom-only kind of dynamic.”

“What’s D/s?”

“Dominant and submissive.” Zach let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I can’t believe I’m telling you about this. You probably think this is ridiculous.”

“No, I don’t,” Miles said firmly, giving Zach a shake for good measure. “Stop it. I’m asking because I want to know. I’m not gonna make fun of you or judge or any shit like that, and it’s fine if you don’t feel comfortable telling me.”

“It’s not that.” Zach sighed, his finger tracing Miles’s collar. “It’s awkward. What am I supposed to say? Hello, my name is Zach, and I get off on being tied up and dominated? Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.” He let out a mirthless chuckle. “The truth is, I want someone else to be in control. To decide what to do with me, to arrange me how they want, to use my body for their own pleasure, to treat me like a sex toy. Fucked-up, right?”

“No, not fucked-up,” Miles rasped. Every word out of Zach’s mouth shot adrenaline into his veins, making his body buzz, his mind run wild. Focusing on the conversation with every last brain cell, he managed to come up with another question. “How did you know you were into it?”

It wasn’t just idle curiosity. A part of him wondered if this was the missing piece in his own story.

Zach squirmed and cleared his throat. “I think I always knew? But I didn’t do anything about it until college, obviously.”

Miles would have preferred not to think about Zach’s college experiments, but he couldn’t prevent the jealousy roaring through him. Had Zach hooked up with some sweaty frat bros from his classes? Or was it one of those sleek older men from the club, all black leather and sharp looks? Did they treat his Zach right, or did they discard him right afterward and move on to the next target?

“Miles, are you okay?” Zach trailed a fingertip down his cheek, a frown marring his gorgeous face.

Was Miles okay? He wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Are you being safe?”

The question slipped from his lips at the idea of Zach being at someone else’s mercy. His stomach churned with the urge to destroy anyone who dared hurt him.

“Yes, Dad.” Zach rolled his eyes. “I always use protection and get tested regularly. And I’m on PrEP.”