Page 45 of Run Home

I groan. “There’s more, Danae. I wish there wasn’t.” Sighing, I say, “I didn’t work as Griff’s PA immediately. He let me stay in his guest room, and I was doing virtual therapy sessions with Amber and working at a coffee shop. Griff included me in his social circle—hanging out with Adrian and some of the other Crowns players at the time. It was actually healthy for me to have some guy friends with no romantic attachment. Adrian was over at the house a lot, eating Griffin’s chef’s meals instead of at restaurants all the time. We all watched The Sandlot together a ridiculous number of times.”

I smile at the memories. “Those first couple of months were so good. I started going to Pilates classes and met my friend Alice. I took long walks exploring the local parks and attended almost all of The Crowns’ home games. I started to feel like life was enjoyable without being in a relationship,” I say before sighing. “And then, I met Ryan. Or, rather, Ryan met me.”

Danae looks at me with confusion, and I wave a hand. “It will make sense eventually. I was meeting some friends for dinner, and this random guy came over and started talking to me while we were standing outside waiting for a table. He was so friendly, asking me lots of questions. Flirting. He was still dressed in business clothes from his job as a sales rep for a big medical-software company. I found out he was twenty-five, which felt so adult to me. Ryan seemed stable. Mature. So different from the college guys.”

My brow furrows. “I’ll never forget the first time he met Griffin. I took Ryan with me to a game, and after it was over, we met Griffin in the staff parking lot. Ryan fawned all over Griff, who was clearly irritated but tried to hide it for my sake. Ryan made all these hinting comments to Griffin about meeting more of the team or seeing the stadium or watching a game from a suite. At the time, I thought it was sweet that he was so interested in my brother. I was so naïve.” I pause to roll my eyes.

“Griffin saw through it and tried to warn me. But I didn’t want to hear it. Ryan had acted surprised but chill when I told him on our second date that I was Griffin’s sister. He played it off so well. Never mind the fact that he had an entire man cave full of Crowns paraphernalia. I was an idiot for not connecting the dots myself, but I wanted the love too badly. I always crave it too much . . .” I trail off, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my chin there. Danae is quiet, not forcing me forward.

“It wasn’t long before I spent almost every evening with Ryan. Took him with me to as many of the games as would fit in his work schedule—although Griffin never gave us any kind of insider tours or connections, thank goodness.

“I’d show up unannounced at Ryan’s office to surprise him with lunch, or I’d offer to bring him coffee. I volunteered to clean his house or do his laundry so he had fewer things distracting him from work. I did everything I could to prove that loving me would make his life better.

“When he complimented me or went out of his way to say he loved me, I was on cloud nine. If we had any kind of small argument, I was depressed and not eating. When we’d been dating for three months, he went with me to Alice’s wedding and spent half the night talking to other women there. I was so furious, I snapped at him as we were getting into the car to go home. Then I spent the entire drive sobbing, apologizing, and begging him not to be mad at me.”

I turn my head, looking out the window to the back patio. Staring back in time. “The next morning, Ryan sent me a text message ending things. A text to break up with me, after I’d just taken him to my friend’s wedding. After I’d made him my whole life.”

When I look back to Danae, tears are streaming down her face. My own eyes are bone dry, but I don’t dare reattach myself to the feelings. “I drove to his office. Ryan refused to come talk to me at the security desk. So I drove to his house and sat on the front steps all day long, waiting for him to come home. I remember staring at the bright red maple tree in the neighbor’s yard, watching leaves detach in the wind and fall to the ground. I remember thinking all the color in my world would fall to the ground and die if I couldn’t convince Ryan to stay with me. It started pouring rain before he finally arrived. He told me to just go home.”

For the first time in the story, my voice starts to wobble. “I begged him, Danae. Like a pathetic fool, I begged him to take me back. He said, ‘It’s not worth this.’ Confused, I asked him what he meant by ‘it.’”

Swallowing hard, I recall his words. “He looked at me like I was stupid and said, ‘Sam. You’re Griffin West’s sister. Why do you think I talked to you at the restaurant? But it’s not worth living like this.’ Then he went inside and closed the door, and I understood what he meant—having access to Griffin wasn’t worth having to be with me.”

Danae’s face fumes. “How dare he?! You’re incredible, Samantha West. Having nothing to do with who your family members are—you are incredible. Ryan is a clown.”

I huff a laugh at her elementary-safe insult, and she looks at me like I’m crazy. “How are you not more emotional about this right now?” she asks, barely keeping her voice down to a level that won’t wake up Jason.

Shaking my head, I say, “It’s okay. I’ve gotten really good at disassociating from the emotions to clinically evaluate my past behaviors. I’ve spent hours processing through everything with Amber, then with Griffin and my parents. But trust me—in that moment, I was barely functioning. I wandered down the street in the rain, trying to process what had happened until it was pitch black and so cold. I was walking through the parking lot of a school when a truck drove really slowly past me. It spooked me enough to realize I wasn’t in a safe condition and needed to call for help. But Alice was on her honeymoon, and I was too embarrassed to call Griffin and make him rescue me again.”

The first hint of tears burns behind my eyes, and I will it away. “I called Adrian. I don’t think I even explained what was happening. Just called him in hysterics and told him the name on the outside of the school building. He found me.”

My words still and my eyes unfocus as I remember that night. Even though Adrian and I didn’t have feelings for each other then, I still see the whole night differently with the context of now. The beams of the headlights momentarily blinding me as I sat huddled under the overhang at the front doors of the school. The splashing pound of his footsteps as he ran across the wet pavement and crouched down in front of me. His fingers stroking wet hair off my face, his arms effortlessly lifting me up to carry me to his SUV. The warmth blasting from every air vent that he pointed my direction as he drove to his apartment.

The tender memories bring a small smile to my lips as I look back to Danae. I hold them close to my heart, not giving them away. I simply tell her, “I think Adrian knew it wouldn’t be good to drop me off in that state at Griffin’s house. So he took me back to his apartment to warm up. He gave me a pair of sweatpants and a Crowns hoodie to change into while he walked to one of the restaurants below the apartments to get some food.”

“Sweet Adrian,” Danae says, her voice full of emotion. “He really does have a heart of gold.”

Fully smitten, I agree, “He sure does. Adrian never even asked me to explain that night. I’m sure he pieced some things together for himself, but he didn’t make me tell him anything about what happened. He just took care of me until I was calm enough that he could safely drive me home to Griffin’s house.”

I give Danae a tight smile. “Griffin, on the other hand, asked all the questions until I explained everything. He made me go back to my parents in Oklahoma to get some regular in-person sessions with Amber. Once I got back to a healthier place, I missed the life I’d started building here in KC—the life before Ryan. The Crowns didn’t make the playoffs that year, so their season was over. Griff came down to visit in Oklahoma, I think to see for himself how I was doing. When he saw that I was in a good emotional space, he hired me to come back as his PA. Of course, he made it a point to regularly ask me intrusive questions about if I was dating anyone so he could keep an eye on me. But I haven’t gone on a single date since. I’ve never trusted myself to do it the right way.”

Danae regards me with understanding. “Which explains why you feel afraid about your relationship with Adrian.” I nod. She says, “I think you can trust yourself, Sam. And I think you can also trust Adrian. But you know Griffin will still have his watchful-big-brother eye out. And what do you need from me? I’ll do anything.”

“I talked to Amber briefly today, asking her to help me not mess up this relationship like I have every time in the past.” Danae tries to protest my statement, but I cut her off. “I know that the men were also at fault. But I did mess up, Danae. I can own it. You know how if you hand a kitten to a toddler, they’ll squeeze it until it can’t breathe? Not because they want to hurt it, but because they love it so much. And if you try to take it away, they squeeze tighter for fear of losing it?”

I point to myself. “That’s how I am with relationships. I stifle them to the point of death because I just want to feel loved. I dive into relationships more quickly than what’s safe. Amber has helped me recognize that this is my default setting, thanks to a lovely combination of childhood loss, trauma, and abuse. It is what it is.”

Danae starts to tear up again, so I jump to reassure her. “It is what it was. I’ve healed a lot since then. I’ve done the work to reset the default settings. But I’ve never put my growth to the test in a romantic relationship. And I’m scared that I can’t really do it.”

Closing my eyes briefly, I exhale hard. “But Amber believes I can, with the right support. She suggested asking a couple of friends to keep an eye on how I start this with Adrian. People to ask me tough questions to make sure I don’t fully dive in before I know it’s safe. I was hoping you’d be one of those people, if you wouldn’t mind? I know you already have so much on your plate with Jason and the wedding and teaching and life so it’s okay if you’re—”

“Yes, Samantha. Of course, I’ll be one of those people,” Danae cuts in. “I believe in you too. Look at all the ways you’ve supported Jason and me over the past year and a half. I know you can handle this relationship with Adrian. And I’m happy to be there for you. I want things to work out for you guys.”

“I do too,” I confess. “I’m scared of how much I want it. If it’s too much again. If I’ll force it too hard because I selfishly want it so badly.”

“I’ll help you keep some guardrails,” Danae says, gently squeezing my hand again. “We can make a pro/con list—pros of the healthy attitudes that indicate things are going well and cons of the unhealthy behaviors that are red flags.”

“Of course you would turn this into a pro/con list,” I tease, winking at her.