Page 71 of Big & Lily

I could have used you this morning, I think to myself as tears of gratitude for this visit fill my eyes,before we started this disaster of an adventure.

I’m simply an advisor, not a miracle worker, Merlin says.He flicks his tail and dashes off, gone before I can argue with him. He’s made his point; the rest is up to us.

“That fox is telling us we are going to have to find another way out,” I say. “He was at the creek. We need to follow the water. It flows down, doesn’t it? And that’s where camp is.”

“The fox is telling us? Did you hit your head in the fall?”

“No. I don’t think so. Here’s the thing. The universe puts a fox on your path to lead you in the right direction. Luna taught me that. She gave me this ring to remind me.” I hold my shaking hand out to my sister.

“I kinda love that. Well, shit.” Lily stands up slowly, groaning. “If the fox says we gotta go, we gotta go.”

“I need a sec, my ankle is—”

“Come on, Big.” She offers me her uninjured hand, but when I grab it, she moans and doubles over, holding her ribs.

“Lily, we can’t.” I feel whatever energy I have left draining out ofme. I can see my ankle swelling up. “The fox was wrong. We should wait until Brick figures out we’re gone.”

“No, let’s go. Stand up and then lean on me. You can do it.”

I roll back onto my hands and knees and manage to stand on one leg. Lily comes up close, and I put my arm around her. She grabs my waist. “I like your idea of following the creek,” she says.

I glance at Lily. “You like my idea? No argument? That’s a first.”

“Shut the fuck up and walk.”

Inch by inch, we shuffle alongside the creek like a beat-up and decrepit pair of three-legged racers. I hop on one foot until my lungs burn and I need to stop, which is frequently. There is very little conversation between us, just a series of grunts and groans and cursing.

Then Lily speaks up. “I regret telling you that,” she says with labored breathing. “About what Eric said. I was in shock when he did. It was almost as bad as when I found out about the condoms. And that was bad. He was basically saying that everything we were working for, that we dreamed of—well, I thought we dreamed of—a family, a future, was a lie.”

“I’m sorry, hon. It’s unforgiveable. Not to mention, it didn’t exactly cast me and Tim in the best light, did it?” I try to smile through the pain in my ankle to show I can take it in stride, but Lily doesn’t see it. She’s watching the ground for landmines like rocks and tangled overgrowth that could take us down.

“That’s the thing, Big. It casts you in the best light.”

“Being called mediocre is a compliment?”

“There is nothing mediocre about you. Just the opposite. You have an enviable life. You have the life I want. I’ve always wanted it.”

I know this about my sister. And it kills me every time I think about it. Now included. She deserves to get what she wants.

“The fact that Eric sees your life as a punishment is on him,” she says, stopping to catch her breath. She lets go of me to run herhand through her ratty hair. I wobble, trying to maintain my balance. “And on me for picking a guy who thinks that way.” She scans the forest floor. “The ground slopes up over there, but it’s not as steep. I think we should try going that way.”

I am not used to my sister taking charge and solving a problem. Usually, she sits back, waits for me to decide, and then argues with me over it. Right now, I’m more than happy to hand over the reins, although even with resting most of my weight on Lily, I can’t go far. “This is ridiculous,” I say. “Just go on and leave me here.”

“Such a martyr. Come on, we can stop here. We’ll rest and go again.” Lily helps me lower myself to the ground. Above us, the sun is higher in the sky. I wanted my sister to leave Alaska with her own fox, something to strengthen her resolve and help find her right path. With the blood and mud streaked down her face, her hair wild and filled with leaves, and the determination to find a way out of here set in her jaw, Lily looks fierce. Maybe she doesn’t need a spiritual awakening. I’m starting to think she’s got all she needs inside her, and I never gave her enough credit. Or the space to prove it.

“I think might be time for the master to step aside, young Padawan.”

“You did hit your head, didn’t you?”

“Well, maybe, but no. I just think sometimes I don’t give you enough credit to figure things out on your own. I hang on too tight.”

“I think I hold onto you tighter than you hold onto me.”

“It’s not a competition, Lil. We both get the codependence prize.”

“You mean consolation prize?”

I laugh even though it hurts. “More like a participation trophy, like Cam used to get for peewee baseball. Only, ours says,World’s Most Enmeshed Sisters. But seriously, I never let anyone skin theirknee. I’m always there with Bactine and a Band-Aid before they even realize they were hurt.”