Page 33 of Big & Lily

“Fuck off, Dane,” I snap.

Okay, there is a point of exhaustion where a person shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions. I climbed a mountain today. Ofttimes, on my hands and knees. I fell into frigid water. Then I humped back down the steep trail, with the blisters and bruised toes to prove it. All while having to pee. The last time I did any kind of serious exercise was when Annie and I entered the mother/daughter FunFit Challenge at the Y when Annie was in middle school. I’m damn well entitled to let loose a few f-bombs, especially with a guy who is trying to seduce my vulnerable, sad,marriedsister.

Dane throws up his palms, backs away from Lily, and gives me a wide berth on his way back into the bar. I dig my hands into my hips. “Honestly, what is going on with you?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, actually, I’m not. Listen, I understand that you are creating some happy-go-lucky Lily for this trip. But you’re going to get yourself in trouble if you’re not careful.”

“I’m trying to have fun.”

“So you’ve mentioned. News flash: you’re supposed to be having fun with me. Not some convict!”

She throws her cigarette to the ground and dramatically grinds at it with her boot. “What? Who is a convict?”

Instead of stating the obvious, I climb up onto my soapbox. “It’s fine if you don’t want anyone to know why we are here. Thatyou don’t want to bethatwoman, to be constantly reminded of what happened. I don’t blame you for taking off your rings and reinventing yourself for a week. But can’t we make this trip about focusing on you, like a reflection of where you are now, so you can move forward when we go home? These people are strangers, Lil. A guy with a record? You are still married.”

“Tell that to Eric.”

Touché.

“And what guy with a record? Do you have some kind of wilderness fever? Did you eat some poison berries today? You sound insane.”

“I’m talking about Dane.”

“What the hell?”

“He said, worst thirty days he ever did.”

“In rehab, dummy.”

Oh. Hmm. I stiffen my spine to defend my position. I’m still right. “That could be just as bad. You don’t need to get mixed up w—”

“All right, Mother Teresa,” she groans. “Don’t be a snob. Besides, Dane is harmless. And it’s helping me forget—”

“You think you can actually forget what happened? Why don’t you just tell me, get it off your chest. Let’s go back to the cabin, crawl under the covers, and we can talk all night if you need to.”

My sister’s eyes soften and well up. She lets out a big sigh and opens her mouth. Finally. She’s going to tell me what Eric said, how things got to this breaking point, and we’ll start to chart where she goes from here. Unburdening herself is going to make things so much better, I just know it. “I ... I...” she says, and I can hear the quiver in her voice. Then her face changes, and I can tell I’ve lost her again. With her arms crossed, she juts her chin toward me. “Why are you even here if you can’t chill out and let things go for one fucking week?”

The slap in my face sets me ablaze. No more Mr. Nice Guy.“Goddammit, Lily! Youbeggedme to come. You said you can’t do this without me, and you were going no matter what. What was I supposed to do, Lily?”

Before either of us can say another word or punch each other in the face—which is what we both want to do right now—Brick comes out from behind the building.

“There you are. I’m sorry, I thought I said I’d meet you in the back. I was waiting.” He gestures over his shoulder with his thumb.

“No, I’m sorry. You did. Lily and I got talking and lost track of time. We’re ready. Right, Lily?”

“Yeah. Sure.” The fight has gone out of my sister, for now.

We climb into Heidi’s pickup, sitting three across on a worn bench seat held together with duct tape in a few spots. A dream catcher and a pungent pine air freshener hang from the rearview mirror. Lily and I cross our arms and face forward. Brick, most certainly feeling the tension, chews on a cuticle and says nothing.

In the cabin, Lily changes into her pajamas, and we walk the trail to the bathrooms, me with a frying pan in each hand, in silence. Wordlessly, we climb into our separate twin beds under the bleached moose antlers.

My exhaustion turns into a buzzy, leg-cramping insomnia as I toss and turn and occasionally peer over at my sister’s back. At some point I must have passed out, because when I wake up it is morning. I’m still deeply tired, with a heavy feeling in my chest, and Lily wrapped around me, her face once again tucked into my damp collarbone.

Chapter Sixteen

At breakfast, Brick filled us in on today’s outing— kayaking on a quiet, glass-like glacial lake, paddling among icebergs, and looking for wildlife on the shoreline. It sounded just my speed—until he said the only way to get there was in a flying tin can.