Page 18 of Love in Development

IvoryKnight: I dont know him, but I do know that you are your own person.As much as our parents may want us to be like them, we have to live our own lives.Even if they expect way too much from us.Everyone calls me perfect and I just always feel this pressure to live up to their expectations.Its stressful and exhausting.So I started playing video games to escape and let off steam.

ScarlettSaber: Me too.

IvoryKnight: But now everyone here expects the same.Ive gotten too good at COTSA.Despite how much I love it, I dont play as often anymore because of all the hero worship.

How true that was.He was good.Really good at the game.

I jumped when Buzz tapped me on the shoulder.“Time to go.I need laptop longer.Leave it here.”

His words were disappointing but understandable.It was very late; the dance was over.I texted Mom that I was on my way home so she wouldn’t worry, but I didn’t want to say goodbye to IvoryKnight.

THE BREATH IN MY EARSkept the rhythm of my swinging arms and the slap of my running shoes on the green rubber track.The steady beat of my heart was like a soothing lullaby.It was another Monday morning, and I needed courage.Courage to admit my own mistakes.A bag with my clothes had greeted me along with Mom’s worried frown when I’d gotten home Saturday night after the dance debacle and my chat with IvoryKnight.Then I’d spent my Sunday working, catching up on school and banging my head against the wall.Why was I so difficult when it came to relationships?

I could tell a complete stranger about my emotions, but not my friends?People who had proven that they cared about me, wanted to spend time with me, and went out of their way to help me?They—Lin most likely—had bought my dress, given me a makeover, and spent time cheering me up.

I completed another lap and pressed on.

And in return, I had left them high and dry without telling them anything.They’d probably been worried.Or maybe mad.I had been ungrateful for their friendship the entire semester so far.Maybe I had gone too far?Perhaps if I explained how I’d never had friends in real life before...at least not since my playground days in grade school.And even then, I preferred to sit by myself and play a handheld.

The balls of my feet absorbed the impact, propelling me forward without thought.I’d strapped down my chest as best I could for the run, and it was cool enough that I wore sweats.But I worried people would notice—they would watch me, they would stare.I would become the center of attention for something I couldn’t control.It all came back to looks.I scrunched my shoulders and pulled the hoodie forward.It ruined my posture for the moment but made me feel better.The band was on the field practicing, but no one came to watch them this early.The fewer eyes, the better.But my worries had forced me into action.I always thought better when moving.

Ugh.How did you apologize for being lame with your feelings?I would have to expose my emotions to do that!Maybe if I just pretended everything was alright, they would go with the flow.They usually did.

The rest of the morning proved that they were definitely still mad.I suddenly felt what it was like to have siblings pretend you didn’t exist.At lunch, I sat at their table.If I forced my presence on them, they would eventually have to acknowledge me.“Hey!Pizza today.Yum!”I took a bite of the cheesy, over-sauced crust.The tomato sauce lacked flavor, unlike what we served at DragonByte.

“Charisse, do you hear something?”Lin looked out across the cafeteria and picked at her salad.I barely heard or saw anything else in the room; I was so focused on the two of them.

“C’mon guys.”Setting down my slice, I twisted my fingers in my lap.I was just going to have to come out and say it.It would hurt, but it was like ripping off a Band-Aid, right?I gripped the edge of the table and held on.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“What was that?It was almost like a ghost trying to whisper in my ear.”

Lin was being a bit callous, and Charisse was uncharacteristically silent.

“Look, I didn’t mean to run off and not tell you guys.I just got...overwhelmed.I really am sorry.I won’t do it again.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Lin said.

Lin was actually looking at me—talking to me.I had to be honest with her and myself, like IvoryKnight had said, or our friendship would end before it really got off the ground.My lungs expanded to defend myself, then collapsed.“Okay.I’ll try not to do it again.”

She nodded as if that were better, and Charisse exploded like a seam had burst.

“Are you okay?What happened?Was someone mean to you?Why didn’t you tell us you were going?We waited for a long time, and then we went to look for you.We searched the entire school!Did you not like the dress—or the shoes?Were they hurting your feet?We stopped by DragonByte and Buzz said you were there, but Lin wanted to leave before finding you.”

As Charisse spoke, I felt worse and worse.I was a terrible friend, but honestly, I didn’t know how to do better—or even if I could.But the room came into color again, and the noise of the crowd returned as if someone had turned up the volume.The scents of pizza, fried food, and teenagers returned.Not too different from work.Everything mattered more.

“No.Nothing like that.You guys were great.You’re a genius with makeup, Charisse.And the dress was perfect.Thanks, Lin.”I looked at her, and she met my eyes, then nodded, and something in me melted, just like that first day.We were good again.And I realized that I really cared about these two weird chicks.They were my friends.

“By the way, I love the new bob.”I gestured to Lin’s shorter hair.

She blushed, and Charisse started in on the different aspects of Lin’s new haircut.And my world was back to normal.I hadn’t realized how out of kilter it had become.My friends gave me balance.

After school, we skipped football practice to go straight to DragonByte to celebrate.I said I would play whatever Lin and Charisse wanted.Surprisingly, they were both set on a first-person shooter game.I avoided FPSs because they weren’t my style, but I needed to make it up to them.Lin was racking up the kills, and I promised myself not to get on her bad side anymore.Charisse kept spending all her time changing her avatar’s outfits, hair, and even voice.I just shook my head and smiled.I backed up Lin, doing my part for the team.

My quick hand speed helped me keep up with her, and we made a decent duo.Charisse finally joined us, only to be killed immediately, every round, and then spent the rest of the round as a ghost following us and commentating on our kills and everyone’s outfits.

I wanted to log in to COTSA and see if IvoryKnight was on.His advice had been right on.But playing with my friends was more important right now.Lin got another headshot, and Buzz interrupted the fun to present me with my fixed computer and a ridiculously small bill.