Page 91 of Bless This Hot Mess

Japheth slowed to a stop as he considered first the billboard of Micah and then his months-long secret affair with the Sexy Jesus calendar. Maybe it was time to conjure up some courage.

“Just go for it!” Rebekkah echoed, as if she’d been in Rino’s corner all along. “Rino is obviouslynotscary. Or a mobster. You have nothing to worry about and a torpedo-big man to gain!”

“I mean,” Ronald said, hands in pockets, shoulders dipping and raising as he weighed the man’s merits. “He’s alittlescary. But not terrifying. Scary in that way that gets your pulse going? I’mon edgewhen he’s in the room, but I also want tostayin the room.”

“Right!” Japheth said, animatedly turning from Ronald to Rebekkah and his topaz lamé blazer winked at them in the sunlight. “Not like I want to run away or to hide. He just makes all the endorphins in my body kind of light up? All at once? It’s like… fight? Flight? Both? Should I stay or should I go? I just don’t know!”

“Oh, I know! My guess is the scary feeling that you’re having when he’s around is actually justexcitement. Like you want it so badly but you’re a little bit scared of it too,” Ronaldcoached.

“But how do I know if it’s real? On his side?” Japheth asked, kicking a stone and sending it skittering across the sidewalk.

“You’ll know,” Ronald said simply. “Just trust yourself.”

“I trusted myself with Micah and look where that got us! And what kind of guy am I if I’m head over heels for one man in the morning and heels over head for another in the afternoon?” Japheth asked without irony.

“Honestly? I think you’re just really,reallyoverdue. There’s no shame in that,” Ronald rested an arm around Japheth’s shoulders. “You’ve held back for Jesus for a long time. But take a little time to consider… Would Jesus mind if you got your freak on without Him? Maybe He’d cheer you on because He loves you and wants you to feel all the fireworks He made possible in this human form. Maybe by becoming a good lover, you’re actually becoming more like Him.”

They walked in silence for a while as they all pondered the profound.

“I’m also sorry that it didn’t work out with Micah, Ronald,” Rebekkah said, meaningfully touching his elbow. “Even though Japheth was gonna consummate that, I know you had big hopes for Micah too.”

“It’s okay,” Ronald said, with a little shrug. “I’m pretty busy with building the Ark and dating Carrington now.”

“I meant as our lawyer, Ronald,” Rebekkah said, patient but pointed.

“Yes!” Ronald said with a quick nod. “That part was disappointing, but it makes sense. If he’s snowmobiling and saving orphans and playing rec hockey, when would he be litigating? There was always something a little fishy there. And who needs all the fish in the sea when Japheth just caught himself a muskie?”

“Everything is looking up. It’s a beautiful sunny day;Japheth might lose his virginity with a guy who is mad hot and not a real mobsterandthey might even get married!” Rebekkah started counting their blessings.

“Hold up! We hugged. For like five seconds!” Japheth held his hands up in an effort to catch the reins of Rebekkah’s runaway imagination. The hug had been incredible, and the five second hold was admittedly a longer embrace than the average hello, goodbye or thank you while also leaving that lingering feeling of being not nearly enough. He tried not to think about it, at least not too much.

“Andwe’re all going to have matching Kia Rios!” Rebekkah shouted, spinning once in place like someone trying on good luck and liking the feeling. “And we have areallawyer now who is standing up to those record labels.Andwe can keep stealing their songs–legally! For God. She’ll be thrilled!”

“Guys? Guys!” Japheth said, coming to a ceremonious stop with hands outstretched in the air at a corner where the crossing guard eyed them with concealed interest. It may have been that she momentarily mistook Rebekkah for Jim Carrey… or Anne Heche. Small town celebrity sightings were rare but not unheard of in the Land O’Lakes region.

Japheth bent over and blew the crossing guard’s whistle. Before she could reprimand him, he lifted his chin like a town crier, “I’d like to make an announcement. I think I might finally quit my job at Saddles ‘n’ Spurs! I was saving up for a car… but nowI HAVE A CAR!”

“That’s right! Do it, do it, do it!” Ronald chanted.

“Quit! Quit! Quit!” Rebekkah joined in.

“I’m doing it!” Japheth exclaimed as he dialled into work. “Hello Diane? It’s Japheth. I’d like to thank you for my illustrious career with Saddles ‘n’ Spurs. You’ve been extremely generous with opportunities to escalate through the ranksfrom bus boy to dishwasher to fry guy. And of course, finally trusting me enough after seven years to don the Madonna mic and take orders at the drive thru. I can’t thank you enough. But I have bittersweet news today–I’m almost famous now and this is my swan song. I’m resigning. I’ll bike by to turn in my uniform as soon as it’s washed, ironed and folded. Thank you. You have a good day too.”

“Just to confirm, does this mean no more free nugget dinners?” Ronald asked gravely, and then catching himself, corrected course, “No, it’sgood! Really! I’m happy for you.”

“I’m officially retired from the 9 to 5 and the 3 ‘til late! I’m semi-retired, baby!” Japheth let out a celebratory howl and threw his hands in the air.

“Good for you, bud,” the crossing guard nodded her approval. “Happy semi-retirement.”

“Trinity? Is this whatmaking itfeels like?” Rebekkah asked, eyes glossy with the kind of fascination in fame that impels one to buy tabloids at the check-out counter. “Is our lifeperfectright now or what?”

From behind them came footsteps running–two sets hitting the sidewalk hard, urgent as alarms. “No running! Sidewalks are for walking!” the crossing guard waved one hand above her head and blew her whistle with the other.

“You guys aren’t with her?!” Carrington called, ignoring the safety briefing from the crossing guard. They ran up, looked at Trinity and scanned the block around them, breathing heavily and blazer flaring like a cape behind them.

“They aren’t with her!” Suwarna echoed, heels skittering, bun unspooling as she arrived on the scene a moment later.

“Carrington? Suwarna?!” Ronald asked, his voice catching the pitch of their panic. “What’s going on?”