Page 90 of Bless This Hot Mess

“And generous!” Ronald exclaimed. “A Kia Rio for each of us?”

Japheth walked back into Stanford Weinus’ office, a silly grin plastered across his face. If his cowboy boots didn’t weigh him down, he likely would have been levitating. “I don’t know what he called me there, toward the end? He always has these funny little Italian nicknames for me. I think he called mePolpetto. What do you think it means?” Japheth asked.

“It means meatball,” Weinus answered.

“Oh. Okay,” Japheth glanced at his reflection in the glass of the bookshelf. “I must have heard it wrong.”

“You heard right,” Weinus confirmed. “The Ferraris have been my clients for years. I’ve picked up a little Italian alongthe way out of… necessity. Where’s thebagno? May I have anotherpolpetto? Would you liketutti giustiziati?”

“Mr. Weinus, now that you’re our lawyer, should we get those replies to the cease-and-desist letters drawn up?” Rebekkah queried, bringing everyone back to the pressing matter at hand. “We’d really like to make sure we can be back on the air for the Trinity Radio Hour tomorrow! I have an update onBaby Got Backby Sir Mix-a-Lot that I’m dying for us to try. Could you draw up one of thosewe’re not gonna cease or desistletters to Sir Mix-a-Lot as well please? Just as a nicety, we can fax it to him in advance. Maybe he’ll want to listen to the show to hear the new cover!”

“I’ll fire up the typewriter,” Betty said, already taking a note as she peeled out of the room.

“The song is gonna start with a casual conversation so it will have a natural flow from our riposte and repartee segment right over the intro to the song. Japheth, you’ll be like, ‘Oh my God Becky, look at her faith.’ And Ronald you’ll be like, ‘It is so big, it’s like one of those altar boys’ girlfriends but you know, who understands what those altar guys are into?’ And then Japheth you’ll reply, ‘They only talk to her because she looks likea total?—’”

Bells chimed as the Weinus, Weinus, and Ware office doors opened and Trinity spilled onto the street, freshly printed replies to the cease-and-desist letters still warm from the printer like baked bread and with signatures and stamped lawyerly seals still damp.

Trinity walked arm-in-arm-in-arm down the sidewalk through downtown Greater Napanee. Maple leaves tattled in the breeze, a hardware store wind chime gossiped good news, and the bakery across the street exhaled warm sugar from freshly frosted cinnamon buns. The sun on their faces felt like a happy ending, and as they turned the corner, the light streaming down in visible rays through the clouds felt like a benediction–Trinity had finally caught the break they deserved.

“I’d like to apologize, Japheth,” Rebekkah said, squinting at the brilliant sky and raising a hand to shield her eyes. “I don’t have a lot of practice in the ways or means of men but if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say Rino likes you. A little more than Ronald or me. He called you ameatball, that’s gotta mean something right? Is that gay or bisexual code for something?”

“I don’t have a lot of practice yet either. Maybe he was just hungry? He did ask me to be his plus-one for dinner tonight,” Japheth hedged, but a warmth was already creeping up his neck and colouring his features. “I’m not gonna think about him. Ican’tthink about him.”

“Why can’t you think about him? It’s nice to think about people like that,” Ronald offered with a little shoulder bump of encouragement.

“Because I was thinking about Micah, a lot. Like all the time. Well, all the time I wasn’t thinking about Rino. And look wherethatgot me!” Japheth admitted. “I’ve never had a boyfriend. I haven’t even been on a real date. Thinking aboutsomeone likethatjust gets me ten steps ahead of myself and then if it all crashes down, I’ll feel so much worse. It’s better if I just don’t make any plans, don’t dream too big, just… expect nothing.”

“Dude. That’s not a cute look for you. You dream HUGE. And now you have this big fish on the line, and you’re just gonna pretend like it’s not happening?” Ronald said, walking backwards and placing his hands on Japheth’s shoulders, coaching him. “Rino is not some average lake mackerel. He’s not any old black crappie, or a lame white sucker. Rino is a fish of ten thousand casts. He’s a muskie.”

“I like the way he smells,” Japheth countered defensively.

“Definitely no complaints,” Ronald agreed. “What I’m saying is that Rino is a lot like his lake dwelling doppelganger. Muskellunge are massive, torpedo-shaped predators that hunt during daylight and prey on other fish, frogs and even small mammals. They have a forked tail like a devil and a big wolf-like snout with strong, canine-type teeth. A muskie could literally tear out another fish’s throat. They’re naturally born killers.”

“What’s nice about them?” Japheth asked cautiously.

Ronald skirted past sharing more compliments for what in his view was a deadly cool fish and doubled down, “You gotta reel this man in! Just as much as you’re hunting him, he’s also hunting you. Get your head in the game bro! It’s gonna be a fight. He’s not gonna come easy. But you’re not gonna let him go until he does. Do not let him get away!”

“I agree with Ronald,” Rebekkah said simply. “I want what’s best for you. Youknowthat. I think your tree-hugging, song-singing, lamé and leather aesthetic is going to be a great yin to Rino’s torpedo-big, devil-tailed, wolf-jawed, naturally-born-killer in an Armani suit yang.”

“Japheth, as one of your best friends and bandmates, I’mgonna level with you. Rebekkah and Isaw it,” Ronald said, dodging a dog in his backwards walk with the help of Rebekkah, able to be of assistance now that she wasn’t near-sighted from the worst-case-scenario paper bag. “That hug? It came out of nowhere and felt like there was some kind of magical magnetic force that justschloooop, pulled you two together like a couple of very different things that were meant to be married.”

“Married?!” Japheth exclaimed. “Why is everyone suddenly trying to marry me off? First, Suwarna with her priestess cape in the radio station lobby and now you?”

“What I’m saying is,” Ronald took a breath and decided to take a more indirect approach as obviously the direct was too affronting for his virtuous and virginal friend. “There is molecular chemistry going on between you guys. Is the chemistry complicated? Yeah, but it also looked complimentary. Some serious (Mg,Fe²?)7Si8022(OH)2.”

“Japheth, we believe in you. And I agree with Ronald, it might just be time for you to meet Rino toe-to-toe for some non-virginal activities.” Rebekkah dropped casually, as if it were as easy as doing a timestep into a Maxi Ford or a cramp roll following a paradiddle.

“Wait, I’m not sure if I’m ready to go toe-to-toe with Rino. That gives me a rollercoaster in my stomach just thinking about it. And what’s that chemistry formula Ronald? You think that Rino and I are…?” Japheth asked.

“Cummingtonite!” Ronald grinned and waggled his eyebrows.

“What!?” Japheth stopped in his tracks.

“You guys are cummingtonite! Don’t hold back. Just go for it,” Ronald gave him a little slap on the chin. “He asked you to be his plus one. Play this right and the attraction is going to grow exponentially.”

“I’ll admit I find him attractive,” Japheth shrugged shyly. “But I’m not ready for marriage or that chemistry formula you mentioned Ronald.”

“I don’t want to pressure you, I just want to encourage you,” Ronald placed a hand on Japheth’s jaw. “You deserve good things. You deserve good people in your life. You deserve for your dreams to come true. And you deserve to have a real-life, three-dimensional man friend that you can do all kinds of naughty and nice things with. You deserve more than a two-dimensional fantasy romance.”