Page 27 of Bless This Hot Mess

“Same thing?” Japheth offered.

“Not the same,” Rebekkah muttered.

Japheth pressed on, “He had twelve guys that were his best friends. They lived together, travelled together…”

“Slept together?” Ronald interrupted, intrigued. “Like a gay posse? I could get with that.”

Japhethblinked, “You could?”

“Why not?” Ronald grinned. “Variety, diversity, spontaneity…”

Rebekkah, flustered, shook her head, “We are getting very off track. I was telling you how I’ve been sampling…”

“Stealing,” Ronald and Japheth corrected in stereo.

“Fine! Stealing melodies,” Rebekkah admitted, but this time with conviction. “It all stems from a very traumatic experience I had at church camp. There I was, minding my business, chasing butterflies by the lake and I was hummingHit Me Baby, One More Time. And one of the camp counsellors scolded me. I wasn’t even singing the lyrics. I was just humming it. And he said, that wasSatan’s music. So, now, when I hear secular music, I just get this anchor of panic in my chest.”

“Wait. When was this?” Japheth asked.

“When the song came out, I guess. I was young, very impressionable,” Rebekkah back peddled.

“Right. It’s just… that song came out in 1998. Last year. So were you there as a kid or a counsellor?” Japheth pressed.

“How oldareyou?” Ronald tilted his head appraisingly.

“Thathas no bearing on my story or the fact that I was blindsided by having to figure out what music I could listen to and what music was being written by devils,” Rebekkah rubbed her elbows, as if a chill ran down her spine.

“So, you were… twenty-eight when this happened?” Japheth offered.

“You’re twenty-eight?!” Ronald exclaimed.

“Well, she’s twenty-nine now. That was a year ago.” Japheth clarified for their new friend and prospective bandmate.

“Yeah, I was gonna say older, but then I’m twenty-five so the age of anyone more senior than me gets a little muddy,” Ronald shared helpfully.

“Anyway!” Rebekkah sliced the air with her arms, hoping to cut through this runaway conversation and get back to the important points at hand. “I started taking those pop songs and rewriting them, for Jesus.”

Ronald tilted his head, concerned, “Is he your pimp?”

“No!” Rebekkah looked genuinely horrified.

Japheth, trying to regain some semblance of control, stepped forward again, “Ronald. What do you say? Will you be our third and join Trinity?”

“No throuple?” Ronald asked, a playful glint in his eye.

Japheth gave a nervous chuckle, “That’s… a different kind of communion. We really appreciate you sharing that you’re pansexual, but right now…”

Rebekkah cut in smoothly, “Right now, we’re just looking for someone to sing with.”

Ronald tapped his chin thoughtfully, “No sex, then?”

Japheth looked nervously at Rebekkah, “Mmm…” he hedged.

Rebekkah firmly shook her head, “Mmm…mmm,” she hummed with certainty. “It’s okay that you’re agnostic. Letting Jesus in isn’t something that happens right away for everyone. Sometimes it’s just about acknowledging that maybe you’re not alone. There’s someone else on your team.”

Ronald chuckled, “I’m not agnostic by choice. And I’m not pansexual by choice. It’s just my default setting. I had no idea I even had a faith switch.”

Japheth grabbed him by the shoulder, “Ronald, we want to turn you on…”