Page 19 of Bless This Hot Mess

April brought a vision of Jesus holding a hammer, jeans hanging low on his hips, his carpenter’s muscles bulging as he worked on a cross. Japheth’s heart raced, heat rising to his cheeks. He flipped to May; Sword Jesus, standing valiantly on a mountaintop, holding a golden sword that gleamed in the moonlight. The wind whipped through his hair, a silent promise of victory over the temptations of the flesh. Japheth’s breath hitched, “My knight in shining armour.”

He swallowed hard as he flipped past June to July. There it was. The baptism scene. River Jesus, shirtless and drippingwet, arms outstretched as if to embrace the world, or just Japheth, specifically. The sun hit river Jesus’s muscles just right, casting shadows that accentuated every sinew, every line as drops of water chased each other in glistening lines down his torso.

Japheth bit his lip. “Come on Sexy Jesus,” he whispered, feeling a familiar flush run through his body. “Quench my soul.”

Suddenly overwhelmed, Japheth slowly sank by the side of his bed, staring up at the Sexy Jesus calendar. His knees hit the floor with a soft thud, and before he could stop himself, he started to pray.

“In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit…” Japheth began, eyes locked on river Jesus. But the prayer took a turn, the words tumbling out before he could control them. He began to sing, his voice quiet at first, then rising in passion. Japheth’s voice soared higher as he lost himself in the moment,

“I can’t help it, man, I’ve got a crush so true

I’m a full-on Jesus freak, and I’m thirsty for You

When I hit my knees, I feel the heat inside,

Lookingup at Heaven, Baby, let’s collide!

Ecstasies are on the way, I’m burning up hot,

With You in my heart, I’ll give You all I’ve got.

I’m flying my freak flag, I’ll let it show,

You’re so Holy, and I’m feeling something down below!

Come on sexy Jesus, quench my soul tonight,

Come on sexy Jesus, everything feels so right.

Come on sexy Jesus, I need that holy spray

Baptize me now, let’s wash mysins away!

Come on sexy Jesus, lay me down real deep,

I’m praying for You to rock me till I sleep.

Come on sexy Jesus, make me feel divine,

I’m your faithful lover, let me taste the wine!

You’re no longer incarnate, so it’s all in my head,

But when I think of You, I can’t stay in bed.

Heavenly carpenter, You make me feel right,

Got me beggin’ for a miracle all through the night!

You’re not incarnate now, so it’s all good,

But when I think of You, well, there’s some… wood.

Heavenly carpenter, work me with care,

Saint Peter won’t mind, he’s chill, I swear!

Come on sexy Jesus, quench my soul tonight,