Page 107 of In the Same Boat

‘Did you want to?’

‘No, of course not. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. That we had something between us.’

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘Because she looked so freaked out.’

‘By you?’

‘By what it meant,’ I reply. ‘I didn’t want to be one more person pushing her. You and Chrissy were already doing plenty of that.’

‘Fair,’ he says.

‘So I gave her space.’

‘And I gave her the push she needed to run away and never want to come back,’ he adds.

I run a hand through my hair. I really hope that’s not true, but…

‘I think it might be too late,’ I say.

‘It might not be, if you talk to her.’

‘I think the best thing I can do is nothing,’ I insist.

He pauses for a second. Then…

‘After your mum died,’ he starts quietly, ‘I did nothing for a long time. I told myself it was loyalty, then what was best for you, then it was all habit. Really, I was scared. Scared to want something and lose it again. Scared to show myself up. And, yes, scared people would think I’d forgotten about her.’

He doesn’t talk about Mum often – not like this, I mean. Usually, it’s a funny anecdote, an old memory, something that feels emotionally safe.

‘Then I met Chrissy,’ he says. ‘And I wanted to be someone who wasn’t frightened any more. I went about it badly, I know that. But I don’t regret wanting love, or trying to get it.’

His voice wobbles slightly at the end of his sentence.

‘I don’t regret trying either,’ I say softly.

‘Then tell her,’ he insists.

‘She’ll be on the flight home before I can get to her,’ I reply.

‘Then go home.’

‘It’s not that simple,’ I insist.

‘Why?’

‘Because she’s angry. Because her mum’s angry. Because we’ve made a right mess between us. I don’t know if they’ll ever want to hear from us again, but I know they won’t want to hear from us today.’

‘Okay, then give her a bit of space, let her cool down, but then talk to her, yeah?’

‘We’ll see,’ I reply – but we won’t see. I know when I’m beat. This isn’t a video game, I can’t just go back to the last checkpoint, to try things again and hope I win this time.

Nope, I’ve really blown it this time. I just need to accept that.

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SAMMIE