Page 103 of Wear It Like a Crown

Leo felt his breathing ease. “No use in crying over spilt milk, is there?C’est la vie.”

He fell silent as Joshua drew near to hand over the saucer, and he still didn’t think he could stomach anything, but—the simple act of Joshua offering Leo tea, even after everything… Their fingers brushed over the porcelain, and Leo fought the impulse to wrap his fingers around Joshua’s wrist and hold on.

Perhaps Joshua would let him. But until Leo had come clean, it wouldn’t feel right, wouldn’t feel like something he deserved.

Accepting the tea, Leo withdrew by half a step and stared into the steaming water, clouded with murky brown that seeped from the tea bag. The sharp, bitter scent distracted him from a whiff of Joshua’s cologne, mixed with soap and a hint of sleep-sweat. So close, so close. Leo wanted to tumble him onto the bed and learn every inch of Joshua’s body with his fingertips and his mouth, to the point where he’d never be able to forget. To the point where Joshua wouldn’t ever forget either.

When Leo looked up through his lashes, Joshua was entirely focused on him, eyes dark. Leo lowered his gaze.

It took him a second to remember what they’d been talking about. “I guess,” he picked the thread back up, a slight rasp to his voice, “there are some life lessons in there as well. Things I learned out there. Of course there are things I’d change if I could, if I’d known better…” He paused, then made himself continue. “But in the end, it’s made me grow, I suppose. I was a self-centred little twat at Eton. More than just a tad obnoxious, convinced that the world was my playground. I had no idea what real life was like.” With a snort, he shook his head. “You probably wouldn’t have liked me very much back then. Honestly, I don’t think I’d have liked myself.”

A light touch to his waist made Leo still entirely. He hadn’t realised Joshua was still close enough to reach for him and he didn’t dare glance up, didn’t dare move.

After a quiet second, Joshua’s hand fell away. “I think you’re too harsh on yourself.”

Leo’s mind was a mess of tangled thoughts and hopes, oftouchandholdandkeepandJoshua. “Maybe,” he managed.

The silence that followed was loaded, heavy with all the words Leo should say. He didn’t know how to begin, tried to ground himself in the act of fishing the tea bag out of the water, squeezing out the last dregs of taste by winding the thread tightly around the bag and tugging on the end. Jesus fucking Christ, why was this so bloodyhard?

It was Joshua who broke the silence. “Is there more? You said you had things to tell me.”

Okay. So this was it. This wasit, and if Leo didn’t do this now—then he might as well give up, because he’d never be what Joshua deserved.

He made himself look up and hold Joshua’s gaze. “There is more, yes. There is a very good, very concrete reason why I think—why I thought that as much as I wanted it, as much as I wantedyou, it couldn’t work. Even though I was in love with you.” He paused. “Am in love with you.”

The bright, gentle warmth in Joshua’s eyes sent a shiver down Leo’s spine. While Joshua stayed quiet, he was smiling, so faintly it seemed like a distant idea.

To distract himself, Leo took a quick sip of his tea, coughing as he inhaled some steam. He set the cup aside and used it as an excuse to turn away so he wouldn’t have to say this and see the warmth fade from Joshua’s face. “So the thing is that I—I was young and naive, had no idea where to turn, you know? So I slept with guys. For money.” Oh God.Oh God. Intestines twisting, Leo pushed on. “It wasn’t a big plan, nothing like that, but the first time just somehow happened, like… I’d only wanted a place to sleep for the night, and instead I was handed some money and kicked back outside, and—it made sense, after that. It wasn’t too bad. It was money, straight-up cash that could buy me food, or a new pair of winter boots or a sleeping bag. I didn’t need references I didn’t have, and I wasn’t begging on some sidewalk or something like that, because I’ve always been a proud fucker, and…”

Abruptly he felt like choking on the rush of words, his throat tootight to continue, lungs compressed to a tiny ball of fear. The sheer amount ofnothingthat followed pressed down on him. Just silence.

Then Joshua stepped in front of him, walked right into Leo’s space, so close that Leo couldn’t help but look at him. Very slowly, carefully, Joshua reached out to lace their fingers. Leo inhaled on a gasp.

“I wish,” Joshua whispered, rough and thick, “that someone had told your younger self it’s okay to accept help.”

There was no surprise on Joshua’s face. No disgust, no shock. Just deep sorrow. It was like being submerged in ice-cold water, then resurfacing to a world that was spinning too fast.

“You knew.” Leo’s voice almost gave out. “How?”

“I suspected.” Joshua’s lips pressed together and he squeezed Leo’s hand, but didn’t let go. “After I left your flat, that’s when the pieces fell into place, and I thought… It was your secret to share. Not mine to force out of you.”

How was he so composed? Why wasn’t he running? Why had he let Leo into his room and made him tea; why was he stilllistening?

“Talk to me?” Joshua asked, uncertainty woven into the question. It helped, somehow. Leo tightened his grip on Joshua’s hand, focused on the warmth of that touch.

“You’re not shocked? Upset?”

“I was, a little. At first. But I realised it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t define you.”

“I was a rent boy, Joshua.” Drawing a painful breath, Leo forced himself to meet Joshua’s eyes. “I got on my knees for money. In toilet stalls, in dirty alleys that smelled like piss. I pretended to like it when someone fucked me without prep, something that would have hurt like a bitch if I hadn’t learned to do it myself. I mean, it wasn’t—it wasn’t always bad, it was mostly okay, most of the time, but… Fuck.”

Unease flashed over Joshua’s face, and now,nowhe’d understand. He’d drop Leo’s hand and take a step back.

“I’m in love with you,” Joshua said.

He—what? Now?Now?

Leo’s heart thudded against his ribs. “You are?”