Page 102 of Wear It Like a Crown

“Thank you,” Leo replied, just as quietly. Shoving a hand throughhis hair, he adjusted his carry-on and moved towards the door Joshua had left open for him.

When he entered, Joshua had already dropped the bag in the middle of the room—suite, really—that was flooded with sunlight, still pale with the early hour. Open glass doors led out onto a terrace, and beyond it, the ocean extended, gleaming like a silken scarf and melting into the sky. Leo’s tired mind needed a moment to process it as more than a lucid dream.

An enormous bed was set against one wall, and Leo’s attention lingered there. He took in the pristine, white sheets. Only one pillow was slept on, one open water bottle on the left of two bedside tables. Irrational relief settled in his bones. In theory, he’d known Joshua wouldn’t go out and fuck the first random bloke, but it had still been a distant possibility. And Leo couldn’t have blamed him. Not when things between them were…this.

Leo lifted his head and worked up the courage to meet Joshua’s gaze. For a long beat they stared at each other across the expanse of carpeted floor. With the way Joshua was standing near the open terrace doors, light streamed in behind him and smoothed out the details of his features, caught halfway between a cut-out and a real person.

Jesus, okay. Leo needed to get a grip.

“I should warn you,” he said, a little unfocused, “that I’ve barely slept since… before the last time we saw each other. So if I maybe don’t make perfect sense… Sorry.”

“Do you want coffee?” Joshua asked. “Or English breakfast?”

“I just want you,” Leo told him, completely honest. It was out before he could think better of it, but he didn’t want to take it back. For fuck’s sake, he had not flown twelve bloody hours to chicken out. “I want you, and also maybe some sleep in the near future. But mostly you.”

Something unbearably bright skittered over Joshua’s face, and Leo had to look away. No. He didn’t get to keep that, not yet. Not until he’d put himself out there.

After a dragging second, Joshua moved away from the terrace doors, turned his back to Leo as he fiddled with the kettle that sat in acorner of the suite, next to a coffee maker and a selection of tea. Leo didn’t think he could stomach even water right now.

“You said…” Joshua glanced over his shoulder, voice careful. “In your flat, you said it didn’t matter what you want. Or what I want. Because it couldn’t be.”

“I was—fuck.” Leo wiped a hand over his eyes. Everything felt hazy, and the only thing he could focus on was the dip between Joshua’s shoulder blades, the curls at the nape of his neck, and how much Leo wanted to kiss the exposed skin above the collar of his shirt. “I wasn’t wrong,” Leo said slowly. “Except I was. But… Just, before we can be—if you still even maybe want to, there are things you should know. About me.”

“Things?” Joshua repeated. Flicking the kettle on, he kept his hands busy by readying two cups, selecting tea bags. He’d have seemed thoroughly distracted, unresponsive, if it weren’t for the tiny glances he kept shooting at Leo.

“Things.” Leo fought against the bile rising to the back of his throat. He could do this. “Things that I should have told you sooner. But I was…”

“Scared?” Now Joshua had turned around, studying Leo. It wasn’t with anger or reproach, rather with something cautious, the way one would hold perfectly still to watch a flock of wild birds just a little longer before they took flight. Leo was momentarily unsettled, confusion tangling with the bright sunshine that slanted into the room.

“Scared,” he confirmed, slightly delayed. “Because I thought you wouldn’t like it, and youwon’t. But I also thought… I told myself I was protecting you. Took Nate to make me realise that maybe you don’t even want that. That I had no right to take the decision from you.”

“So you’re ready to tell me now?” Joshua asked, so quiet it nearly got lost in the distance between them.

“I’m… Yes.” Leo sucked in a breath. “I’m ready to tell you…”—everything—“everything. Starting with—” No. He couldn’t just drop that bomb without preparing the ground first, giving Joshua a chance to adjust. “Starting with how you already know I had a crush on you, at Eton. But I didn’t tell you that you made me realise I was gay.”

Surprise widened Joshua’s eyes. God, they were lovely;hewas lovely. “I did?”

“Bit creepy, maybe.” Leo pursed his lips and gave a little shrug, not quite able to hold Joshua’s gaze. His cheeks felt hot. “I mean, you were fourteen, and we were, like—in the Wall Game. We ended up shoved close, and that rather… I liked that rather more than I should. Which was how I realised that yeah, definitely more interested in that cherubic little thing with the curls and the ‘look at me, I’m a prince’ swagger than I’d ever been interested in a girl.”

Joshua made a soft noise, a half-formed chuckle. He messed up his curls with one hand and seemed to search for an appropriate response, but was saved by the kettle announcing it was done.

Leo waited until Joshua had turned away to pour water into the cups before he continued. “Sometimes I wondered whether perhaps, if it hadn’t been for you, it would have taken me longer to figure things out.”

Some water spilled when Joshua’s hand jerked. He stilled for a moment, then resumed preparing the tea, his voice heavy. “Long enough that things could have been—with your parents…” He trailed off, and Leo finished for him.

“Long enough that things might have gone differently, yes. If I’d been a little older, a bit more mature, already at uni or something…”

“Oh.” Setting the kettle down, Joshua leaned against the cabinet, his head bent as he exhaled. “I’m sorry?”

Distant amusement tugged at Leo’s mouth, made the corners curve up. “Did you really just apologise for being too cute for your own good at age fourteen? That’s ridiculous.”

“No, I just…” Joshua glanced up before Leo had a chance to control his expression, and there was a beat when they simply looked at each other, miles of space between them. Leo steadied himself with one hand on the back of an armchair, but he still felt completely out of his depth. He didn’t look away though, and neither did Joshua.

“You just…?” Leo prompted.

“I just wish things had gone differently for you.” Joshua swallowed. “I wish your parents had been understanding, wish that you hadn’t gone through living on the street and… You know, the things that entailed.” With a helpless shrug, he focused on the steeping tea, set one of the cups on a saucer and carefully placed a teaspoon on it. His hands shook just enough for Leo to notice.

Joshua’s voice hadn’t carried pity. Sadness, yes, but no pity.